How Do You Behave In Order To Fit In?

[Friday]

The friend thing is off the table then, which is fine.

What takes it off the table?

 

[aut555]

Thanks.

The friend thing is off the table then, which is fine. Never been one to fit in anywher...

I have heard of people being friends for years then one fight later, they never talk to each other again. Maybe just start with casual acquaintances. Start saying hi to the store clerk. Maybe pick conversation with someone in line at the bank. Start the art of small talk. That will help you fit in a little more. From there you will feel more confident and start talking to more people. I semi chat with people, ask them how their day is going. You pick up information sometimes that is vaulable. You have to put a little bit of yourself out there and possibly expect rejection. But that's ok. I heard one man say he asks woman all the time for dates, and a lot say no. He said he is just looking for one to say yes. See that, he doesn't look at it as rejection. Ok hope this helped my friend.

 

[Sideways]

Fitting in means asking a lot of questions for me. Constantly giving people opportunities to talk about themselves, although not ina "How awesome am I" kind of way. People mostly seem to appreciate genuine (and I mean genuine) interest in who they are and what's important to them. People with kids like talking about their kids, so I ask how old they are, what grade they're in. People with dogs like talking about their dogs, so I ask about how their dog's individual behaviour has changed their lifestyle ("I take me dog to the dog beach" for example, gets met with questions like how often, did you do that before you got a dog, does it always have to be 'dog friendly' beaches now? Etc).

The questions you ask will demonstrate whether you're listening and interested. And people like talking about themselves (healthy, mentally sound ones that is!).

For me, it's an easy way to get into conversation, without having to reveal anything (like, Anything!) about myself straight up. People warm to you if you show an interest in them, and it gives you clues about whether this is someone that you'd consider being more than just a superficial acquaintance with.

'Fitting in', for me, is a means to an end. And I think that, save the odd really charismatic person, most people have to pull off to a degree whenever they're confronted with a new group. With ptsd, I think it's just that much harder (trust issues etc etc), rather than something that is 'unique' to ptsd'ers. Fitting in is a launching pad - am I going to take this relationship further? Fitting in for the sake of fitting in tends towards insecurity (got that in bucketloads) and feeds that insecurity in a way (for me) because I'm consciously setting out to please the group and phoniness in that case is an asset.

But if I'm trying to 'fit in' for the sake of dipping my toe in to suss out potential deeper friendships? I think that's normal, can be healthy even. Wanting to get along with people is not a bad thing - human connectedness is something that a lot of us need at a fairly basic level. It's when 'fitting in' is just about pleasing the masses that it becomes less healthy (for me). Not putting all my strangeness out on display so people aren't scared off is fine: but when that becomes "they will NEVER accept my strangeness" that I need to reassess my own self-concept and the quality of people I'm trying to "get along" with.

All that is just my experience though. Take it with a grain of salt, because I'm not exactly winning any popularity contests!!

 

[EveHarrington]

I have heard of people being friends for years then one fight later, they never talk to each other again...

I do all of this and I'm fine with it. I just don't fit into groups or anything beyond the superficial level. (I never really think of chatting with the supermarket clerk as fitting in.) I guess I'm fortunate that the dating thing is off the table. Guys haven't been interested in me as I am not the attractive type so I don't get approached or hit on. Thank goodness!!!!

 

[EveHarrington]

I don't know. I don't think we need to stand out to make friends. I think we need a moment of connectio...

I don't react negatively in groups or get over reactive. I tend not to react at all as its not appropriate. I don't scream or yell or raise my voice. If something upsets me or I disagree I just hold it in.

 

[EveHarrington]

What....?

I don't think I could stand out to others. I wouldn't even know how.

 

[Sideways]

"The attractive type":oops:

Long term, I like to think that learning to like myself, and be comfortable in my own skin, will take care of a lot of this. And I know it's reeeally long term, but it's hope, yeah?

It's cliché but people who are comfortable with themselves are so often easier to like, easier to get to know, easier to get along with...

Short term solutions, like "How do I approach this group..." are what get us by. But in the long term, we're gonna learn how to like ourselves. I mean, I hate me. I really do. So why would anyone else be any different? People pick up on that inner turmoil like it's the plague sometimes. But when I finally start to like me, it's going to be easier for others to feel that too...surely...hopefully...

 

[EveHarrington]

"The attractive type":oops:

Long term, I like to think that learning to like myself, and be com...

Point taken.

This thread was for naught.

Sorry to waste everyone's time. :-/

 

[Sideways]

I tend not to react at all as its not appropriate.

Sorry, totally taking over. Last comment, I swear!

I think that often this is our perception, but not always the case. When you're coming from a trauma background, we learn that standing out = dangerous. But I'm not sure that's always true. It's often okay to be someone that people remember, in good ways, you know? The person that was especially nice to you, stayed and listened or helped wash the dishes after everyone had gone home...

 

[Sideways]

Sorry to waste everyone's time. :-/

It's been insightful for me personally, so thank you for the thread. Sorry you've gone away feeling it's hopeless, because I don't think it is. Not for any of us.

 

[Chiqui]

How do you behave in order to fit in with other people in a group?

Serious question.

I am not...

I just don't know how to fit in a group...never been good on it. I can do it with one person or two, but only for a little while.

 

[Dana1010]

What I've found is that there's a lot of unspoken rules in social groups. Like you have to know it, but you can't talk about it. When I look back at the times I was ruthlessly trounced out of a tribe, it was usually due to one of these open secrets that I should have known, but didn't (due to severe social deprivations growing up). When I look back, I can see that if I'd only known the code, I may have avoided the ousting.

At other times, though, I was gotten rid of simply because of the circumstances of my existence -- someone decided I didn't belong, and there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it. The more I tried to talk their talk and walk their walk, the more irritated they became at the impostor worming and weasling her way into their little world.

So basically (a) if you want to fit in, look for a group of people who have a lot in common with you, even the superficial things, nay, especially the superficial things. If you get the job, education, zip code, family inheritance stuff leveled out in the beginning, it can't come out to bite you down the road.

(b) Know their unwritten rules, and if you don't, try to stay silent and observant until you get a feel for them.

This is what I've learned about fitting in -- it's a little ugly, to be sure, and basically why I stay home.

Finding a kindred soul that you can totally be yourself around? I can't speak to that, because I've never had it. It does seem a bit easier to make one friend than to gain access to a clique. The larger the group gets, the more rules and regs are observed.

"Life is but high school fought with live ammo."