How Do You Behave In Order To Fit In?

[lostforgottensoul]

try to stay silent and observant until you get a feel for them.

This is what i do. Exactly what i do. I am silent but listen to everything and watch everything. If in a conversation in a group i listen to everyone to get a feel for all of their stances before commenting, if at all.

I dont have a lot of experiences with friends. This is what ive done to "fit in" with work co-workers my entire life including today.

It also allows me to see individual personalities inside of a group of people.

 

[EveHarrington]

What I've found is that there's a lot of unspoken rules in social groups. Like you have to know it, bu...

Are people really this ruthless? I'd have no chance!

 

[Dana1010]

Are people really this ruthless? I'd have no chance!

I'm speaking my truth. You wouldn't be the first person to call me pessimistic, if that's any comfort.

 

[Friday]

don't think I could stand out to others. I wouldn't even know how

Knowing how isn't something we're born with. It's something we learn. If you want to learn it? You can. Maybe not right now, if it's too much to even think about, but it's just a skill. :) Skills can be taught / learned / practiced / mastered.

Something to keep in mind, when I'm talking about blending in versus standing out? I'm not talking about being the life of the party. You don't have to be the center of everyone's attention (also a bad way to make friends); I'm talking about deliberately breaking away from the herd to connect with 1 person. Or a few. What changes from fitting in with the sea of commuters, sea of PTA parents, sea of book club peeps, sea of students, sea of party people, sea of gym users, sea of people in a cafe.... just one more person / just one more face (blending in)... To standing out? Targeting someone and talking to them. Drawing their attention to yourself.

That may be as far as it goes. I talk to people all the time that I'll never see again. Or I'll see in passing / elevator acquaintances in the same apartment building / parents at the same school.

99% of the time people are shocked I'm talking to them. Because it's simply not done. You don't accost strangers except under very very narrow guidelines. LMAO. I've spent more than 20 years moving every few months. If I didn't talk to strangers I'd never talk to anyone, and I'd never have made any friends.

I had to relearn the whole social interaction thing after PTSD. First I had to relearn how to blend in (instead of setting off the internal alarm bells of everyone around me because my anxiety was running so hot... Pheramones aren't just for sex, fear & anger will trip most people's alarms... And all the tiny signs of anxiety make people nervous... So first I have to calm myself). Then I had to relearn how to interact with people.

Right now, this moment? I'm having to relearn the whole dang thing all over again, & I can only do it sometimes. It takes too much bleeding energy I simply don't have, if I can even remember how. I know how but when my head is stuck in the past, or there is no past/no future... I can't talk. Right now, this moment, I need to focus on me... Not on other people.

Like I said, it's just a skill. But so is running. Can't just decide to start running and do a marathon.

it's a little ugly, to be sure,

<chuckling> I think it's fascinating / often beautiful / love people & all the different ways we do the same things ...when I don't want to just burn the world down... But then I'm an anthropologist at heart ;)

 

[Deleted member 541]

I think the first thing about "fitting in" is the desire to do so. If you don't have the desire, the want or the drive to do it, it ain't gonna happen.

@EveHarrington I think that you are "thinking" way too much about trying to fit in, instead of just doing. Honestly, I think it's about taking a risk and just doing. Jumping in with both feet. Yes, rejection is always a possibility, but that doesn't mean you stop and go crawl in a hole and never try again. We all have to face the unpleasant shit in life, if EVERYONE in the world stopped after one bad incident the whole fricking world would cease to operate. Everyday, everyone in life takes a chance and puts themselves out there. We with PTSD are no different, it just feels different to us because of our symptoms. Facing our shit, is how we get out of the grip of PTSD.

 

[EveHarrington]

I think the first thing about "fitting in" is the desire to do so. If you don't have the desire, the wan...

I'm sincerely trying to get help here. "Just do it" isn't helpful IMHO. I find your words to be overly harsh and not even remotely helpful. If I knew how to JUST DO IT-----I would have by now. Not everyone navigates PTSD as easily as you do. Keep that in mind.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@EveHarrington I never said,"just do it". I said I thought you were THINKING to much and not doing. so I'm not sure where you came up with that line of shit.. I get the feeling that you're in fighting mode, so I will give you all the space that you need.

Have a wonderful life.

 

[Lee2001]

Well this is a good question and very interesting to read all of these replies! So I find this challenging just due to fitting in means acting like nothing is "wrong". For me to do this makes me feel like a hypocrit.... Which I hate. But I sure would not want others to know how I am dealing with PTSD and struggling. So onward to smiling, acting bubbly, and not a care in the world! Been doing this most of my life! This probably is not the healthiest way but until someone knows you very well, I think it would be hard to be real. Considering a lot of people do not understand PTSD. I like what others said on reading social cues... That really is the best way and just being around people you are more comfortable with and do not feel like you have to try so hard! I have friends that I have to try some with, and then some friends it seems to be easier with:)

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I think what @She Cat is saying has a ton of merit. My issue is a bit different, trying to be around people in general, but has the same over thinking issue to it which has kept me from actually doing it, caused even more terror, and now i have to be ok with a stranger living with me quickly.

@She Cat isnt dismissing your concerns but i agree that you are over thinking it. The same advise came to me as well; very thoughtful, well thought out replies about how to make conversation with people and how to fit into a group of people and how to make friends but unless i actually get out there, get my feet wet, and do it; all of that advise is useless.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@lostforgottensoul Yes that was exactly what I was trying to convey. Thank you. Now I will bow out as my opinions are not wanted.

 

[EveHarrington]

Yes-----I apologize @She Cat as I reacted out of feeling like I was being told to be quiet because I was annoying people with my posts.

I really do struggle with this issue and it's hard to just do it when I don't have the experience that others have in forming relationships and such.

 

[aut555]

Yes-----I apologize @She Cat as I reacted out of feeling like I was being told t...

Think it's great that you are here checking out feelings and getting feedback. Truthfully, l never felt drawn to be in a big group, because of the group mentality mindset. But it could be my upbringing. I am just super happy if one person gets me and we are friends too. If you have done any volunteer work, that is usually a group of like-minded people without to much politics. Have consider this? Later friend.