Shame???

[Virtues]

It was proposed in group today that rigid patterns in thinking (specifically regarding shame) were instilled in us from early childhood on. I at first rejected this idea saying that I lived a fairly "normal" childhood and my shame didn't come until my trauma in adulthood. My shame was a result of the freeze response (fight/flight/freeze). However, after group I got to thinking...

I was raised in a physically abusive household. I took on the role of the "hero" at an early age. I would divert my father's attention to beat on me, less he wouldn't beat on my mother and my brother. Of course this approach didn't always work as you can imagine. Did I start to shame myself with feelings of failure at an early age every time that my mother and brother were beaten? This would add credibility to the theory that we can be predispositioned for PTSD.

To those that suffered their trauma in adulthood, do you think you developed rigid patterns of shame in childhood, or do you think they came with your trauma? What do you think?

 

[Anarchy]

For several years I couldn't comprehend that i could have PTSD, I just couldn't possibly have,

and I had a good childhood...

:whistling:Oh feck!


the lies we tell ourselves,


and other stories:unsure:

 

[NaeNae75]

It was proposed in group today that rigid patterns in thinking (specifically regarding shame) were...

I would say for me, my childhood was abusive, so I suppose that means that it could be easily explained why my "rigid thinking" would easily be "mis" formed then. So, I don't suppose this would give you much insight. But I'm going to speak on behalf of my s/o for this one.

My s/o was raised in a very "normal" Christian family in a small town in northern WI. His whole family mirrors that of a 1950's sitcom. The rest of his family are very well adjusted people. They are all very kind and supportive people. In fact, they have been very welcoming to me as well. Their family is very comfortable to be around.

I'm not completely sure what incited his PTSD, but it was not from childhood trauma as far as I know. He's been in the military for 23+ years and was mentally, emotionally, verbally, and physically abused by his ex wife. They were only together a short time, but she did a real number on him because of their son. He suffers extreme shame from a lot of this...a morbid amount.

In fact, he bears more shame and guilt than just about anyone I've ever met in my entire life. Where am I going with this? Well, one would think on the outside that his shame and guilt would be rooted in his military career and his tumultuous relationship with his ex...I say no. From many, many years of learning the in's and out's of him and his life, I've learned that his shame too, is rooted in his family of origin.

You see, even with his "perfect" Christian upbringing, his abnormal shame was in fact rooted in his childhood. Somewhat because of their strict Christian values. For some unknown reason, his brothers and sister ended up normal, healthy, responsible Christians much like his parents. They all have extremely healthy, loving kids too. But for him....he took the morals and values he was taught to some odd extreme. They found them freeing, and he found it stifling.

Even as a teen, he felt shame and guilt for anything that went against "biblical" teachings. It even led to exacerbating some of his trauma situations....I'm not blaming religion, just saying he took things maybe a bit overboard....forgot about the "forgiveness" part of it. He feels guilty for basically everything in his life. Whether it was his fault or not, and whether he "caused" it or it happened to him.

So I guess my point is, the "root" of his shame and guilt did develop as a child, but his trauma served not only as tons of shit filled fertilizer, but has also served as a toxic mutating substance. His shame has festered and morphed into what it is now. It hurts my heart...I would wish for nothing more than taking this away from him.