How Do You Behave In Order To Fit In?

[EveHarrington]

That is not what I said.

I was advising of good qualities due to conduct on here because you said I...

Ok so I say I'll change my behavior.

You say no I have it wrong.

Then you say my behavior in this thread is wrong and I should examine my own behavior.

???

But seriously I thought I made it clear from the beginning that I know I need to change in order to fit in. I mean the thread is asking how to fit in! I guess I thought that it was understood that I know it's all me and my bad behavior and trying to figure out how I need to behave in order to fit in.

So again, it's been established that the problem is me. Why would I start a thread asking how to change my behavior in order to fit in if I didn't already know that the problem is me!?! I know all too well that this is my issue. If it was everyone else then I wouldn't sell out and change myself in order to be liked by people.

I don't think I can stress this point any more clearly and I'm sorry that you've spent so much time responding to my thread when a basic premise wasn't understood, that this is all me and I'm trying to figure out how to change my behavior so I fit in with other people.

 

[EveHarrington]

I mean I'm not stupid. A lifetime of this crap and I'd be so dumb as to think that it's everyone else? Lol. It's established that it's me and I've stated that I want to know how to behave in order to fit in.

 

[scout86]

I'm not sure anyone's saying you HAVE to change your behavior. It sounds more like you might benefit from getting a better understanding of the consequences of your behavior.

I'll be honest, I can't answer your original question because I've rarely felt like I "fit in" in a group. Possibly because I actually don't, most of the time. But I do have friends. It's my impression, if
you want to have a friend, you have to be a friend. You have to be safe to engage with. You have to be careful about misinterpreting other people's words and motives. You have to respect other people's feeling just like you want them to respect yours. You have to be conscious of the fact that, if you lash out at someone, it's likely to affect the relationship.

That's hard to do sometimes. I'm thinking it takes practice. But I'm also thinking it's a skill set that people can learn.

 

[EveHarrington]

And I'm cracking up at the fact that I reacted to ONE person, someone who throws their weight around in every thread they respond to-----and then they stomped their feet and ran away because I dared to say that I didn't think it was helpful to blame my entire issue on "over thinking". OMG. Somehow getting upset with one person has been extrapolated to I'm being nasty to everyone in this thread. Good lord.

 

[aut555]

And I'm cracking up at the fact that I reacted to ONE person, someone who throws their weight aro...

Hey, l like this. Thanks for making laugh.

 

[aut555]

Hey, l like this. Thanks for making laugh.

Honestly, l think you touched upon a senstive sore spot everyone has, hence the long thesis explanations.

 

[anonymous]

I didnt miss understand the thread question. No one is going to be able to tell you how to change your behavior but you. I saw pain behind the defensive behavior and I jumped in thinking I could help by advising of your good qualities because once you see them, you are better approchable by people. If you want to blend into a group then just listen and be quiet. But that is not what I am hearing you ask as you have brought up wanting friends several times and gaining a friend and "fitting in" are completely different issues. And yes, if you want to gain a friend you need to be one first.

If your behavior here is simuilar to what it is in a group in person and if this were in person Id avoid you. Not because you are a bad person, but because you now have bitten the heads off of everyone that has tried to help you and making fun of one of them. I can count a handful that has now been hurt. I understand you are hurting but so is everyone else.

@scout86 has very good suggestions and I would talk to your therapist about this, candidly!

I'm out. Hope you find the answers you are looking for.

 

[Lotis]

And totally want a 'Shimmerzville'!

I would also like to come live in Shimmerzville where we would all probably do really well together. With that said:

@EveHarrington I hear you and I have struggled with fitting in my entire life. I had severe social anxiety disorder for a good 8 to 10 years. I still suffer but not nearly as much as I did.
Now, I don't think we are talking about fitting in as in highschool fitting in right? We are talking about your "normal" every day adults and living among them yes? I don't know you and I don't know if you work or are social or where you are trying to behave to fit in but maybe some of what I do could help.
Take my advice for what it is worth and this is just how I cope and deal with being social. There is no wrong or right. It is what works.

Don't wear yourself on your sleeve. Someone once told me whatever you do in life "don't wear your heart on your sleeve". At first I thought that meant not to display any emotion at all to be stoic and just walk among people without any change in myself. However, that's not what it meant at all. It meant using filters. Don't go out there showing everyone "Hey look at me I have PTSD and I feel like shit!" Hide yourself to an extent (not completely) because people either do 1 of 2 things
1. freak out when they realize gee this person has some baggage and they run for the hills not wanting any part of it for whatever reason of their own
2. take advantage of you because they feel you are weak.
Try to find a balance between being you and not being you. It works for me. There is a level of "play" I feel when it comes to being social. If you watch toddlers like 4,5,6 playing you can learn a thing or two....kids usually don't care what the other kid looks like at that age. The only thing they care about is whatever the other kid is playing. If it looks good to them then they are all in no questions asked. Kids who have never met will play for hours with one another. Why? Because it is fun! We need to find fun in being social and stop worrying about whether we look good or are behaving correctly.

Be picky in who you want to fit in with. Don't go picking a bunch of snobbish people who are self absorbed and careless. Find people who YOU find interesting.

Stop being so hard on yourself and stop saying you don't fit in anywhere otherwise you never will.

One thing I have tried to do is find a commonality among others; whether that be at work, at a party etc. So for example, if I hear someone at work talking to another person about sports I'll remember that for when I interact with them and I'll say "hey how about that game last night..." or whatever the topic would be. It's an ice breaker, it gets the conversation going. After that just go with it. Everyone is human. Remember that. Despite your past and how you may be feeling there is a place where you fit in.

That's all I got. I read through most of the posts here and it sounds like everyone gave some good feedback.

~L

 

[joeylittle]

I am trying to figure out how to fit in so that I'm not so isolated anymore.

There was one time in my life when I started to work on this, and it was actually going kind of OK. So, I'll share that, and maybe it will help.

I'm not good in straight-up social situations at all. I can usually cope for a bit, but find myself feeling more and more alone in the crowd, and that tends to reinforce my overall identity as being 'an alone person', which contributes to me feeling worse, so the whole exercise becomes pretty self-defeating.

But if I'm in a group of people who have a shared external focus, it's much easier for me to be there, just for myself - but among other people. Like, taking classes. I wanted to learn some sign language, and was able to find an organization that did classes, and interacting with the other people in my class was much easier - it was as though having permission to be there made all the difference in the world. That's a strange way to phrase it - permission - but it's what it felt like. There was a reason, and a task that everyone had in common, and we interacted through the task. After a handful of classes, I got the beginnings of a sense that I knew these people. I only knew them a little, and in that context, but we were a group.

Any time I've gotten traction on getting out, becoming less isolated, it's been through doing something like that. Volunteering can work, but I know for me personally - there has to be some sort of task at hand that is really well-defined. I've also gotten good experiences out of: group classes at the gym, an individual sport that I was interested in that trained in small groups, and taking some knitting classes.

If I remember right, you're in a fairly remote area, and I don't know what kind of communities exist where you are, or what kinds of resources, so I don't know if this will actually apply to you. But there's usually something, even in super-small places. Having a structure, permission to be there, something to do already pre-determined - those things have helped me learn how to be in social settings and interact without so much pressure. I think it's that everyone already has one thing in common - which is the thing we are all there to do.

 

[watundah]

I don't agree with the statement of "just listen and be quiet". Seriously??? That sounds like "be a good girl" old school crap. We all know the want to be seen,.known and loved for who we are - that's "fitting in" to me.

 

[Sandi]

How do you behave in order to fit in with other people in a group?

Serious question.

I am not...

I have my good days and my bad days. I work as a reporter, so I have to constantly talk to new people all of the time. Sometimes I'm having a bad day and I just feel awkward. I just don't want to be around anyone and I struggle to make a good connections. Most of the time I'm pretty good and I enjoy talking to people because then I can forget about my own struggles.

I've learned to work on my self-confidence a lot. It's hard, but for the last year I've been focusing on my diet and looks. When I feel good about myself I can act "normal." In groups I make a lot of eye contact (which I learned is key) and I smile a lot (which for me is also key). If I feel that people simply aren't listening to me or care for me I leave. I'm OK being a loner because I tend to attract better people into my life. I've also learned to speak out about things that I care about. If I want to talk about something I will. Most of the time people want to be around others who have opinions of their own and at the same time make them feel like they're special-- hence the eye contact and smiling.

 

[Sideways]

At the risk of being the member referred to above as "throwing my weight around"...

Eve, when you misinterpret peoples suggestions and tell them that they are attacking you (when they weren't), stupidly misunderstanding the OP (which they weren't), bullying you (which they weren't) - there is a person on the receiving end of your post that may feel incredibly hurt by that. Certainly I am.

When you brush off sincere suggestions, when you ridicule people for offering them, there is a person on the other end of that post that may be incredibly hurt by that. Certainly I am.

So in terms of "fitting in", not ridiculing people for their honest contribution is important. Not telling people (in error) that they are attacking you or bullying you is important.

You seem to be misunderstanding what people are saying. Over and over again. To fit in, that's an area you could (obviously don't have to) look at - "How am I perceiving others". To fit in, you could (don't have to) look at becoming defensive in situations where it is not warranted and actually destructive.

Part of fitting in? Taking responsibility for ourselves, and when we're hurting people. Trying not to hurt people (especially when all they're guilty of is a sincere attempt to connect with you) that you want to fit in with is something you could (don't have to) consider working on.