So for the past month I have not been doing very well... lots of suicidal ideation as a result of depression, intruding flashbacks and nightmares. As frustrating as all this is I did do something positive this week. As a public speaker I was hired to speak at a fundraising event for a non for profit organization that helps people transition out of poverty not just financially but mentally in helping them build quality deep social support relationships and by supporting them to embrace growth and change.
My life story is relevant in the sense that I grow up in poverty and I have worked hard to grow from the mindset that often accompanies that situation and I have worked hard to build my business to avoid slipping back in that position and The feelings of helplessness, hopelessness and the feeling like you don't matter that often accompanies it.
I was terrified to speak at this event because sometimes I can't manage my emotions and anxiety very well and I am always scared to put myself out there. I knew what I was going to speak about would make me emotional. But I chose to anyway because although I struggle a lot I have a story to tell... a story of triumph and a story of overcoming obstacles end embracing the difficulties of life and fear as a way towards taking action, self development, growth and success.
I had only given three speeches before this event to civic clubs. This event was much larger than what I had been accustomed to. Which made me feel like I may just puke. Plus I had the added pressure of getting paid which made me so afraid to fail.. I mean what if I f*ck up? But I kept taking deep breaths and when it was time I went to work... I briefly looked at my notes during the beginning of my speech but after I got started I didn't need them.. I made eye contact with every person i could in that room as I spoke.. I improvised... my words came from the heart... then something happened I did not expect.. people were grabbing tissues.. men were wiping their eyes... I had touched and moved the heart and soul of everyone in that room. When I finished... the room was so quiet you could hear a pin drop and for a brief moment I couldn't breath... then all at once 200 people stood up and gave me a standing ovation.... to say I was humbled would be an understatement.
Afterwards I had people waiting in line to shake my hand and to tell me how much my words meant to them. The first in line to shake my hand was the Mayor.. he told me that I was a genius.. ok.. I have a hard time with accepting compliments and accolades especially large ones that come from people of stature and authority.. lol but he wouldn't let me go before I was convinced that I not only did something that was good but I did something brilliantly..
Something was different this time around... this speech was different.. Although I shared my story... my speech was not about me.. it wasn't about being a victim.. it wasn't about all this depression and anxiety and all this pain I felt and feel... my words weren't about just me. My speech was about being vulnerable in away that spoke to every person in that room. My speech was about others, embracing fear, accepting change, humility.... that night I was not the victim... that night I was not just a survivor. That night? I was just a human being in a room with other human beings sharing my humanness... and by the end of the night? for the first time in months and months despite being scared out of my mind to show up and be vulnerable?.. I wasn't afraid...
