Childhood Struggling With Possible Abuse Discovery

[Chelsie S]

It is so comforting to hear other people say they've been through this exact scenario... it really helps me feel less crazy. I hadn't, until this point, had someone say, yes, I felt exactly this and it's normal to feel this way. I just had a lot of people (mostly therapist and the few people I've told) say that trauma is complex and I'm not crazy. Hearing that there are people in this world that feel/felt the same way as me is such a help, so thank you so much.

This weekend has been nice because my husband has been home and kept me plenty busy (so no time to think) but I'm dreading him going back to work tomorrow. I work from home and when I don't have enough to do the insanity creeps in with the denial and what not. I really appreciate all of you taking the time to respond :) I keep telling myself that with time, I will either have the whole memory or I won't, and I think my left brain is completely content with never knowing... but the right brain? Sometimes I think it has it's own brain lol

 

[sun seeker]

I guess I just want to know if anyone else went through this when they first discovered something like this?

You bet. You're normal. What you describe sounds like what lots of people go through when beginning to remember childhood trauma. It's normal to have only snippets, to not have a full picture, to feel the emotions and maybe the body sensations but not the words, or any number of other combinations. In fact, traumatic memory usually does return fragmented like this, not as a whole episodic memory all at once (if ever).

Ambivalence about whether you believe it is very normal too. It can go on for a long time.

My best advice is to pay attention to your body first - your mind can get confused and misinterpret events, but what happened is in your body - and to work with a good therapist.

Oh, and don't worry about triggering us. Most of us here have been through a lot. We can handle it. Or if some of us can't, we'll move on. Write what you need to write.

Welcome to the board.

 

[Jody]

Omg you wrote exactly what I feel thank you. I joined this site for that reason. I keep going back and forth with these obsessive thoughts of it happened and than nope it didn't happen. I always had a feeling I was sexually abused I can't remember only a few pictures in my head. One of those I tackled in emdr on thoursday of last week. My body my emotions completely lost it but left with no new memory. I felt better more calmness more relaxed but this didn't last long. Friday night I had a memory laying in bed that my brother was the abuser! I don't trust my image memory I keep thinking it can't be true I'm making this all up I'm a horrible person! Did I force this memory idk but I wanted to remember who!! I was frustrated that my body responded in this way but I didn't have any memory this was my second emdr session the first session I didn't complete too upset. This second one I finished through it and it took every ounce of me to get through it all it was that bad. But I did feel better after it. I was actually thinking I should call my t today but I'm afraid I'll have to go in today instead of going Thursday. Well any how sorry I rambled so much but I do understand exactly what you are going through ! Thanks again I no longer feel alone

 

[Chelsie S]

Omg you wrote exactly what I feel thank you. I joined this site for that reason. I keep going back and for...

We really could have written the same stuff here too. I see a therapist every Thursday, and in the session this was truly uprooted, I cried. I get so uncomfortable crying in front of people other than my husband, but I couldn't help it. I was so overwhelmed, felt so out of control, and I almost didn't finish the session but I wanted to at least resolve that memory. Then, on day two of working on it, you're right, I felt a little better. I felt sane, content and sure it happened. Then, not even 4 hours later the anxiety hit again and I was just spiraling down the rabbit hole.

I go back this Thursday, and I keep telling myself it's okay if I never know and everything I'm feeling is normal. But it's hard sometimes, because I have a phobia that's rooted in the uncontrolled (assuming this is what caused it) and I feel like by not knowing I've literally facing the ultimate uncontrolled scenario. I literally can't control how this memory comes up, how fast, how slow, or if it ever shows itself more. And I think that's equally as terrifying as the actual memory.

I hope you get some relief over the next few sessions :) I'll be thinking about you!

 

[Jody]

We really could have written the same stuff here too. I see a therapist every Thursday, and in the se...

Wow chelsie all I can say is you just brought me to tears of relieve. I guess we are not crazy after all ! It seems we are going through this at the same time ! I m here for you as best I can be. I was diagnosed pstd it sucks. My body responds to triggers I don't understand as of yet. I can't put the puzzle together and it does drive you nuts. I want to be done but it seems I can't go back now. It's all uncontrollable and THAT is what sucks I can't control it !!!

 

[Deleted member 28740]

Yep. can't write more now, but Yes. Same. sorting/

 

[Suzetig]

There's nothing worse than feeling like something happened, and in the same thought, feeling like nothing happened.

I get the pain and uncertainty you're going through, but honestly even if you have crystal clear memories of what happened this something happened/nothing happened thing still may go on in your mind. The dilemma stops being about not remembering and instead becomes about whether you remember it accurately, was it as bad as you remember, are you making something out of nothing... the list goes on.

I say that because it's easy to think that if you had clear memories, a diagnosis, a treatment plan, different therapist etc that the process would be easier. In reality it's not. It's hard to know that someone purposely hurt you and your mind fights against remembering that even when you remember it.

I wonder if you could work with a therapist just on how you're feeling day to day, the impact those feelings have on you and how you make sense of them. That might free you up to remember, or help you work out ways to cope with not remembering. A clear diagnosis can feel validating but sometimes we need to accept how we feel is just us, regardless of our life experiences, and get help for that. Not because your life experience isn't important, of course it is, but because you may never know and in the meantime, while you search for answers that may not come, you could be healing.

 

[Chelsie S]

I get the pain and uncertainty you're going through, but honestly even if you have crystal clear memori...

Thank you for telling me that - it all makes sense. I think because right now it seems like everything is uncertain, it would make it better to have certainty, but I think you're right. Chances are the denial would continue, just in a different way. My therapist is basically making that our goal. He wants us to focus on how I'm feeling, and reduce the stress of the feelings and the small amount of clues I have. He's trying to ensure me that it's okay we may never know what happened, I think I just need to really wrap my head around it.'

Thank you gain for all your help :)

 

[RoseOfSharon]

Do you find the book extremely technical? I'd be interested in checking it out if it would help with t...

No, not too technical at all. Written just as much for the lay person, with some 'reassuring' statistics.