Friendships

[7Cs]

Grrrrr.

My T keeps pushing me on the subject of making friends and building on the possible friendships I have.

I'm trying, I am. But I know that even with "normal" people building friendships, especially when we're older, takes time. It's going to take me MORE time. I have big trust issues and evidently boundary issues. I've tried to make friends and I've been successful in the past a long time ago. But I let go of people very easily and those friendships, as shallow as they were, dwindled back into acquaintances. Several of them were because our kids were the same age and we had a playgroup. Beyond that there was really nothing there so when the kids got older the friendships just drifted.

She thinks it's important for me to make friends because I need a better support system. I think it will take years to build that kind of friendship! Not to mention, finding the right person.

There is one girl I go for walks with sometimes and another I occasionally talk to or have a drink with. Neither are friends in my book but I think it's a really good start. Why can't T just be happy with THAT progress and not keep asking about them and if I've seen or talked to them and trying to get into my head about the subject of friendships.

Yes, I want friends, I want people other than my husband and sister that I can trust and confide in and lean on when things are hard. The whole thing is so confusing and part of me wants to make the effort and part of me is exhausted just thinking about it. Most of me does not want this to be the main subject one out of every 4 sessions.

I'm not sure therapy can even help you build friendships!

Shouldn't I be working on other stuff 1st? Like working through my trauma history....

Won't working through that mess help me with interpersonal relationships in the long run?

#Frustrated

 

[Calmpeace]

I hear you. So hard to trust people now. Even when logically I can tell that people like me, I still feel rejected. It's hard. Part of my issue has been that people I thought would be there when I needed them weren't. I had a support structure. It failed me. So I also have a hard time putting energy into something that might not work. However, I know I am wrong. It is worth the effort logically. Something that I realized recently was that support can come from unexpected places. We look to traditional friendships, but I realized that my kids have always cared for me. While I tried to shield them, I look back and can see they knew everything. They cared. They love me. Maybe it's arts or sports or spirituality. Those things that give us joy give just as much as friendship, and you can give them to yourself. but what do I know. I guess the question is what are you spending your energy on and does it give back to you?

 

[Deleted member 28942]

I agree with you. I think you should tell her that you don't want to be pushed and that you are not ready. Instead you want to work on your traumas. I tell those things to my therapists and she is very respectful of my decisions and my boundaries.

 

[Silver.]

I feel like this was me a few months ago (almost exactly, with my s/o, my sister, my daughter)
I think it's important to heal from our trauma, but we cannot process trauma if we don't have a good support system. Because when we leave therapy, a lot of times we are a mess (because it is going to get worse before it gets better)

For me? I love my little family, but they aren't "friends" in the way your therapist is thinking. Our families can only give us so much support. And even though my s/o is my best friend, I don't really have anyone to talk to when it comes to stuff between him and I.
So I get where your T is coming from and why she wants you to build relationships outside of your family.
I am guessing she might hear a lack of support or loneliness in you and that is why she is so adamant about you taking this step?

But I hear you and what you are saying. Friendships, the kind that you come to rely on for support aren't magically instant. They take time and trust.
Have you explained your thoughts on this? Would it help you to write it down (or even copy and paste this post of yours) and email it to her? Or give it to her? I find that I often word my feelings better in writing, after I have had time to think about it, and work it out, than saying it outloud.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Pushing ourselves to do the things we don't want to is one of the ways to actually accomplish things. Most everything out of our comfort zone is anxiety provoking. Ok, we know this. But, if we constantly stay within our comfort zone and don't get out of it, then nothing changes.

We need to make changes in our lives. We need to get out of the comfort zone. We need to deal a bit with the unpleasantness of some of these things in order to move forward. It doesn't mean that you go out next week and make 12 new friendships. But you really should strive to start saying "hi" to people you see, and then strike up a conversation with them. Start, maybe by just doing this for a week or two, then branch out. Uncomfortable yes, doable? Yes..... just my opinion....

 

[7Cs]

Pushing ourselves to do the things we don't want to is one of the ways to actually accomplish things. Mo...

I agree but the 2 "budding" friendships are very new. One is about a year old and the other less than 6 months. For me this is a big accomplishment. I haven't even tried to make friends in a good 7 years or so. I don't know what I can do except for let them slowly become what ever they become. And in the process perhaps bring things up in therapy that are bothering me or confusing e about the process.

Today we talked about showing emotion and letting "friends" in... I'm not ready to show any emotion. The emotions are scary just to feel, let alone share. It takes trust to share and let someone into that bubble. And building trust takes time. Not to mention, this early on in a friendship my kind of emotions are likely scare the person away!

As far as rejection or disappointment, I find it hard to recognize those feeling (basically because I suppress those kinds of feeling). And if I do feel them I don't want to share them. Especially in a relatively new relationship. Besides.... how would that go? "Hey, I'm really disappointing that you didn't call me back last weekend, it made me feel rejected. In the future please at least let me know you got my message." That's just an example... really I feel inept in social situations that go any deeper than surface chit chat.

 

[sun seeker]

She thinks it's important for me to make friends because I need a better support system. I think it will take years to build that kind of friendship!

I understand this. It takes a very particular kind of person to form part of a support system for someone with PTSD. That's why there are so many of us here who are very lonely and feel that no one gets it, and that people give up on us because they don't know how to be around our symptoms. It sounds like your therapist may generalizing and not taking in the realities of life with this condition. If you had, say, mild depression, making more friends so you would have more of a support system would be sensible advice. I'm not sure it is in this case. There are reasons why we isolate.

I'm not sure therapy can even help you build friendships!

I think it can, but it takes time. If your relationship with your therapist is a good one where you feel secure, gradually you will learn new skills for relating to people and this will branch out from that relationship into other relationships. I don't think you can hurry the process.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@7Cs yes, it's hard to say to someone that we were disappointed. It's not impossible though. Voicing our feelings is yet one more way of getting out of our comfort zone. It doesn't matter if it's saying we're were disappointed, or saying I don't feel comfortable with this, or just saying NO....... Learning to speak up for ourselves is important. It helps us to break out of the shell that we live in.

I hope that you continue to make friendships and build stronger ones with the two that you have. Have fun, and share some laughs....