I would like to share a bit about my experience with rage and anger;
I imagine what nie, who wrote the original post, is talking about is is rage rather than anger, and I believe we may be talking about the intense rage that we have had to carry inside, for one reason or the other. This kind of primal rage can be dangerous, but only if we keep bottling up and continue to believe we have no control over what we do with it. I also used to believe I would go "crazy" and kill someone if I explored my rage, however, I never so much as swung at anyone, *(the people who had hurt me were long gone). When I repressed the rage, I began to unconsciously take that rage out on myself and the small, everyday anger issues that I suppressed became a source for my depression. *(a no-win situation).
I spent the better part of a decade crying and expressing grief and sadness and when a great deal of grief work had been done I discovered the rage that was underneath. It was buried so deep that it wasn't accessible to me when I needed to get in touch with it, yet, it was right below the surface ready to spill out over the slightest, imagined trigger.
I still do and may always feel some intense anger at those who abused and harmed me, at the adults who should have taken care of me and guided me, and towards those people and things in my life that I perceive to be threatening. However, I deal with it a little better now, please let me explain; .....realizing that my anger was only hurting me and no one else. I saw little use for it and actually believed it would somehow protect me, so I continued to deny and repress it, that is, until my brain finally shut me down. What I mean by that is that the stress and depression had worn me to a complete and utter frazzle and I began acquiring chronic illnesses which ended in a diagnosis of chronic fatigue syndrome and landed me in a mental hospital several times. Eventually, I learned to acknowledge the feeling and then sit with it, which means I allowed myself to feel it without acting on it...(extremely difficult to do and not always possible for me). Then, I moved to the next step which was simply stating out loud to others that I felt angry. *(I became fascinated at the way others would react to that statement).
I had to learn that my rage/anger needed to be recognized, but did not always needed to be expressed. Sometimes I would remain silent, but still other times I could say "I am angry" and just leave it at that. Then there were also times when I would vent my feelings and then let it go. I slowly discovered that most of the things that I felt rage about were things, which were and are, outside of my control.
I learned that just because I express anger, it does not mean it will automatically lead to violence or end in my being beaten. Men and women can, (much to my surprise), talk about their anger, the issue(s) at hand, and work out a solution or agree to disagree and no one had to be harmed. Wow!! Civilized humanity, ...what a concept!!!
When I later realized that all the hate, rage, and anger in the world would not undo what had been done to me, I decided to use some of that energy to help me take positive action and 12/13 years later, I am still in therapy and continuing to improve.
Running from my rage and anger gave it way too much power over me and facing it however scary it sometimes was/is puts me back in control of my life so that I can feel, express, resolve and move on to the next thing.
Because of the inability, (of most adults that I have met), to effectively deal with anger, I plan to begin a petition to have mandatory anger management classes brought into all public schools. It has been my experience that too many people respond to anger with fear or violence and do not have the problem solving skills to act as a responsible adults. *(anybody with me on this)???
Finally, I still need medication to help calm me and I need to continue practicing the things I have learned, but I have stopped beating myself up for being angry, afraid, and out of control and I am taking the necessary steps to deal with my rage/anger in a more productive and positive way.
I wish you all the inner peace and self-control, that I know you deserve to have and to claim as your own.
~Lewie~
