DID One of us is evil

[Punky143]

My T says I have"parts." She's wrong. They are people within and always have been. Why is it I can both idolize and hate her so? Its like a childish messed up game going on all the time. And in the end, its one of us if not more who feels ashamed and embarrassed.
One of us feels the need to hide things, and lie and we've always been like that. Maybe because we trust no one? Dunno. Random post perhaps but only one of the thousands of thoughts that run through the head...

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

My T says I have"parts." She's wrong. They are people within and always have been. Why is it I can both idolize and hate her so?

I used to think of my parts as people. They weren't me, they were just people that lived in my head. A therapist drew me a picture to try to explain it. It was a stick person in a circle. Then inside the head part (above the eyes, like where the brain would be), she drew lots of little circles. Each little circle was a part of me. A part that had different mannerisms, different likes and dislikes, and different jobs. It helped me a lot towards excepting that these people inside with their own names and personalities are parts of the whole me. Anyway, I know you say you disagree with your T and I definitely started that way, but then slowly came to accept that they were all parts of me and not separate people. I just thought it might help to share my process, but if it doesn't help feel free to disregard.

 

[watundah]

I know parts exist but I can't accept them as parts I can't feel compassion for, comfort, etc. It's too abstract. So maybe that is the opposite side of the coin?

 

[aut555]

Maybe they are like little mini people running around inside of us. I don't deal with with negative aspects of these mini people /mini personalities. It just keeps me amused. Dealing with trauma created these mini me's. So l accept them, and tell them to come on over and be loved as one.But l have gate keeper always in control, so mini me has to behave in order to exist.

 

[Stickler]

I'm just a part too. They're a part. It's only one part.

Damn singletons, being so arrogant.

Seriously, though, the others started out as me. They have a separate history in some cases. They were split off to handle thoughts, feelings, and events that I could not and continue to function as the "apparently normal person."

Someone had to go to first grade for us, that was me.

Look, we ( as in " we multiple personality people," ) had to deal with evil people, growing up. We did it in a really brilliantly creative way.
The best way to predict people is to model them in your head. A LIVE model. An alter. The alters are still there. Sometimes they served to protect us from the REAL abuser by shutting us down before we did something the real abuser might kill us or at least beat us up for.
Sometimes they just encapsulate the rage and hate we had. Sometimes they're just a result of the normal modeling kids do? Kids are sponges, we're meant to mimic the adults around us to an uncanny degree.

As long as we don't let the bad alters out to play in ways that are unethical...then we ( as a collective whole ) aren't bad.
The bad alters still have to live with the rest of us goody-two shoes in the same head.
If they want any wiggle room at all, they have got to negotiate with the rest of us.

I hope that helped?

 

[aut555]

Almost like security blankets, they function if l need to process something or think about something. But l feel more unified now that l have looked at emotional feelings and have identified my landmines. I don't run away from conflict, l speak up on what is on my mind, and this is now a collective whole hot mess instead of fragments of ish coming through with no purpose to anything really.

 

[Sideways]

I think, to a degree, everyone has 'parts'. It's just that for people with DID, they've been completely segmented off, rather than allowing a natural flow and communication between different parts of our personality.

Like my p-doc, she naturally slips into her "I'm at work" headspace when she's on the clock. That's the part of her personality that I get. I don't get the part of her personality that she slips into when she goes home and having private time with her hubby (thank god!).

The only difference between her parts and mine is that hers are more like a house with only one big room, and even though there's a kitchen space and a lounge space and a sleeping space, there's no walls. She can move freely between the spaces and knows what's going on in each space, no matter where she is in the house. Whereas for me, it's like there's walls - you're either in one room, one personality, or another. The spaces (personalities) are distinct from eachother.

In both cases, we're one big house. It's just how easily we can move around the house that changes.

As for T being evil - maybe it's not what you're getting at, but the fact that my T confronts me with all the realities that I've been trying to deny for years, and making me deal with them, yeah, sometimes I just plain hate her. It hurts. And she makes it hurt more sometimes. That sux.

 

[shimmerz]

Why is it I can both idolize and hate her so?

Perhaps because conflict is the basis of trauma. And I think we carry that forward as 'parts' are reactivated.

'No wait - this totally isn't safe!'
'But she has helped me....and that is safe!'

I think with parts, or people inside, however you conceptualize it, the idea is to get them all to buy into a middle ground way of thinking. Possibilities rather than structures that were built upon dysfunction and abuse. A knowing that someone can be trustable in some ways but isn't a demi-god.

 

[Punky143]

That's right. She triggers the one from years ago. The one who truly tried to to do her best to get by during chaos. Survival mode I guess they call it. My T is aware this is the case. She knows the rest of us likes and appreciates her and is so scared to loose her. All the hatred one writes towards my T, the games she playes, the rebellious acts and smiling when its not appropriate. She thinks its funny at the time. Just like she did years ago. But when we switch, its not so funny. Its all about control and give and take. But in the end, its testing. Testing to see if she, like everyone else in my life, will leave me.....everyone has left me and its probably all my fault.

 

[shimmerz]

She knows the rest of us likes and appreciates her and is so scared to loose her.

Hmmmm. No idea why, in all of these post PTSD years, I hadn't thought of it like that. Scared to lose her..... brilliant.

 

[Ronin]

the games she playes, the rebellious acts and smiling when its not appropriate.

I'm not sure y'all need an abusive therapist / a therapist that frightens some of you by her inconsistencies to the point you switch (so reacting as to danger to survival). In my book that would be her mess up to fix, not yours, and if she keeps it up, a reason to ditch her. No one, multiple or not, needs emotional abuse when they've come for help.

 

[Punky143]

I'm not sure y'all need an abusive therapist / a therapist that frightens some of you by her inconsistenci...

I was talking about one that lives within me, not my T. Don't say that about her. She is not abusive. She is kind. Gentle. Yet, has boundries. And it's when some of "us" like to test those boundries, that is when one of "us" plays games to test her blah blah. To see if this time, she'll leave. You have it wrong.