Suicide Feels Inevitable. Can Anyone Relate?

[NatBird]

Hi

I've noticed that I often feel I will kill myself in the end.
I don't just have this thought when in a difficult place I also have it when things are steady in the nothing-much-happening-zone. It just floats up -- yep that's how it will all end, I'll kill myself. It's so casual and sinister.

Does anyone else have this experience? If so, how do you understand it?

 

[Gs172003]

Do you have anybody you are close to?

 

[shimmerz]

I don't just have this thought when in a difficult place I also have it when things are steady in the nothing-much-happening-zone.

I did this when I was in CA. I would picture myself throwing myself off of any number of the big assed cliffs/mountains out there. And it would often happen when I was feeling calm. It was like this voice that said - 'Eh, time to do it. Just get it over with. Who cares? Nobody cares.' Ad nauseum. Like a tape, over and over and over in my head. Funny thing was, it wasn't my voice. I don't know whose it was.

I don't know that I do understand it yet and know that the potential is there still for it to return.

 

[ahershey]

The thought comes and goes with me. Not exactly the same. Usually it is coupled with a deep despair. An abyss. When I cannot find my joy, and self-preservation loses, I am scared. I have two little kiddos and that sinister dark wish is wrong for them. If I still wallow after reminding myself that my life includes responsibilities, I talk to people. I joined an outreach. A church.

 

[NatBird]

I did this when I was in CA. I would picture myself throwing myself off of any number of the big asse...

@shimmerz thank you so much. I feel tears at the way you have described the experience, the sense of coolness, that's exactly how it is.

I feel really moved that someone(s) get it.

Your comment made me think -- yea who's voice is that. At this stage I don't know. I think it goes in the same box as the other voices that simply want me dead. Then I think it's not that they want me dead it's a very specific kind of dead.
Anyway, being a bit grim! Thanks so much for your response.

 

[NatBird]

Do you have anybody you are close to?

@missy meier um I don't know. Excuse me for being stupid but why do you ask?

 

[NatBird]

The thought comes and goes with me. Not exactly the same. Usually it is coupled with a deep despair...

@AHerShyKiss

thank you for sharing your experience and also what you do. sometimes I call a helpline. issue is many of the volunteers are focused on intent to suicide right now, rather than the slow method through daily self destructive acts or lingering feeling. but yes sometimes I call a helpline or speak to my general practitioner.

do you think having children/significant others stops you from acting on the thoughts?

 

[NatBird]

@missy meier apologies. the answer is I don't know. I don't feel close to anyone really, or maybe more accurate to say ut fluctuates.

I have two people I can share this with. one I prefer not to because I wouldn't want to worry her and the other I could share it with but don't because she's quite depressed and depressing herself!

I asked I guess because I was wondering if you're reasoning that being close to someone can help?

 

[shimmerz]

I don't know that many people understand this type of thing. It isn't (for me) like being 'suicidal'. I actually don't want to commit suicide. At.all. Makes no sense I know, but I can't imagine calling a friend about this and saying 'hey, you know, I am not suicidal but I am pretty sure I have a part of me that wants to die.'

No. Doesn't work. Even a help line. I mean, you couldn't have gotten me to hang out on a help line while I was super focused on freezing myself to death - trying to escape from a house. Makes no sense to anyone, you know? This is too far down the rabbit hole for most.

I would suggest that you keep reaching out here on the forum. In times that you are well mainly. Keep talking about it....

Be well my friend.

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes i totally relate to that @NatBird , I've thought if i eventually go of natural causes, esp if there is warning, eg an illness, i will be happy, 'whew, I made it".

Good question though, Idk, I guess I thought it was because I know how hard a battle it is not to, & how it can turn quickly. And there's no room for error/ no second chances. Sort of like Russian Roulette I don't want to play. :(

But it is rather a self-defeating or self-abusive insidious thought. I think it's good to not underestimate it, but why should such a thought be given worth, too?

:hug:

PS, whose words? I have no clue.

 

[Gs172003]

The one you're afraid to worry...worry her anyway. I don't know if it will work for you but for me telling people I know it will hurt makes me rethink it.

 

[Gs172003]

I don't know that many people understand this type of thing. It isn't (for me) like being 'suicidal'....

It's ideation. Different from being determined to do it. But I've had to talk myself out of it too so I've done both.