Fighting The Dark

[Bristol]

been trying so hard the last few days to hold on. I know that things have to get worse until they better, my T keeps telling me this. But i have no one for the in between times. So i have started drinking, but drinking makes me self harm, and then the guilt and regret of that leaves me with much darker thoughts.

I have thought so many times that things would be easier without me. The only thing that keeps me around is my dog he is the only one who wouldnt know what was happening.

I dont want to feel like this, i have been here before and it brought nothing good. I just cant escape the past, the no sense of future and the complete powerlessness and lack of control that is a feature of every part of my life at the moment.

I need a way out i need something to change but i dont know how to make that change. I have no one to reach out to in like real life as it were but that is exactly what i need right now. I just dont know what to do

 

[NatBird]

@Bristol1485 It's good that you reached out. I don't think I've got any pearl or uplifts - I'm in a similar boat.

I can relate to feeling like I don't have anyone to reach out to. When I'm in that place, and able to not drift into self harming, I write in the trauma diary, I read old entries, read posts on here (discriminatingly!) and I call the Samaritans.

I also identify with the sense of what I will summarise as feeling incompetent/ineffectual. Please do forgive and correct me if I've misunderstood.

I'm feeling this a lot right now. Today I've dealt with that by a mix of mild harming:( and doing some basic things that give me a sense of control: ordering files on the computer, doing some grocery shopping, giving feedback on someones writing, a bit of editing. I don't know what these things are for you but things that help me feel a sense of mastery, contribution or completion often help me.

Please try not to beat yourself up about the drinking and the self harm. I know it's easier said than done, believe me!

Are there any distraction activities you have? Would you consider working on a plan with your T for when you start to get this itch?

I'm sending support and a hug if welcome. I know it's hard, be gentle as you can with you.

Nat

 

[Friday]

I dont want to feel like this

That is my #1 mistranslation. My brain is pretty black and white. I don't want to feel like this ...and my brain jumps to dead. Dead fixes that. Yep. I want to die. 1,000 different ways not to feel this way that don't equal death, but that's exactly where my brain goes. That's its solution. Yo! Brain! Instead of wanting to die, do you think you can back up a step? I don't want to feel like this ... I can actually do something about. That gives me options.

And, yes. It tends to hit really hard when Now = Forever. When I have no sense of the future being real, and -ironically- I'm stuck in survival mode.

That piece right there, is something else I can use. When I lose the future? My brain is in survival mode. It thinks there's a house fire, or a war, or anything else looming big bad and deadly right over me. Which makes normal living almost impossible. (Who the hell walks calmly into a burning house to start a load of laundry? No one. That's who). But that's exactly what I'm asking myself to do every single day. I'm all in 5th gear / in survival mode/ house burning down around my ears, but my life is in 1st gear doing laundry. No wonder trying to shift gears between the two my engine comes to a screeching haunt and tries to fall out of the car. And no wonder it's so freaking painful as all the gears grind, and my brain keeps shouting at me to get out of the house, get out of the house now! And throws image after image at me of the terrible things that happen if I keep acting like an effing moron calmly trying to match socks, and return phone calls, and :confused:

It's a mindf*ck. And it's exhausting. And it's painful. And it's temporary. Not as temporary as I would like :shifty: But temporary.

I can, in fact, gradually learn to separate out the two. The house isn't burning down. Now is NOT forever. The past and present separate, allowing me to see a future. The gears will start shifting smoothly, again. They aren't doing any of that, right now. Right now everything sucks, and is painful, and hard. But now is not forever.

ETA
So if I'm in survival mode, what can I do, right now to ease that? What can I do to ease the pain, and the pressure? Sometimes, for me, that means feeding into that. Do something survival mode "okays" as a smart choice. Like going for a run, or not doing laundry. Other times it means distracting myself from survival mode (books, movies, gaming, people, anything that focuses -easily- into somewhere not now), and sometimes it's fighting it. Grounding here in the now. And sometimes is a chemical smack down. STFU meds, that buy me a moments peace from the mixed up past and present. None of which make me dead. All of which back up a step, and fix the actual problem I'm having in the moment, of I don't want to feel this way. Only for a moment. But the more I stack those moments? The more functional I get? The less I feel this way, overall.

 

[Pixielicious]

I don't have a T, or a dog, im single, not dating, I'm a newbie where I live, don't know anybody around here, I can't socialise because of my flashbacks, my children and family live abroad, I don't know and have never met anybody in real life who has PTSD......so I'm useless in trying to give you any advice.
But I do understand the Loneliness....Thought I'd write a comment to let you know that somebody does care....

 

[Bristol]

@NatBird i have been emailing the Samaritans, have thought about calling but j have such a block on talking about stuff i know i would just sit there in silence. The thing that makes it worse is because my husband doesnt know i self harm i cany do it as badly as i want to, he is the only thing that stops me fighting it, if it wasnt for him i wouldnt think twice about it. Your spot on with the imcompetant feeling. We are now in our 14 month of trying for our first baby so i can add that guilt and useless feeling to the pile! Fighting the feeling that the past is to blame.

@Friday that is exactly what its like, i cant get my brain to plan a change because it just wants to check out, if we cant be happy straight away then its never going to happen. My T keeps saying i am just in survival mode and have been the whole time, but how do i get out of it? I havent started to seperate the 2 hopefully that would be the change

@Pixielicious thanks for takig the time to comment. I dont know any actual people here about from my husband and no children so my pooch is all i have!

 

[Bristol]

@Friday i have gone back to child mode tonight to see if that would help the survive mode, Disney film and blanket but still cant relax

 

[Bristol]

So because of the amount i drank last night this morning i had a headache, self inflicted i know but im struggling to stick with only taking the recommended dose i feel like the tablets are talking to me. My husband and his friend are here this morning but they have said they are out this afternoon so i need to get my head straight before then

 

[Pixielicious]

Morning Bristol, I hope you feel better soon :)

 

[Bristol]

@Pixielicious thanks for replying, still feeling naff but still clinging on!

 

[NatBird]

@Bristol1485 hello, how are you feeling today? what the day been like?

 

[Bristol]

@NatBird its not been great, had to distract myself big time this morning from painkillers and self harming, husband is home now so i cant do anything, would just really like to switch off my brain

 

[Gadgie]

I don't have a T, or a dog, im single, not dating

Welcome to the site, we seem to both have that in common, good luck.