Drowning From The Inside

[henamedmeowl]

I feel like I should be over it but I am not. I wish I could feel safety outside of this random connection with a married man but I don't. I wish I could get over it but it just keeps growing, a darkness looming under the surface, a deep ocean wildly thrashing about inside me, water only leaking from my eyes on rare occasions. I was raped and beat and mentally abused for two years. He sees it as young love. Everyone denies what it was my T, my Fiance, and the rapist. I am so old now almost 30 and still it eats at me I am always scared, I can't connect with anyone, I just want to feel safe and ok, and accepted but there isn't a single person besides one who I keep a great distance from but who keeps me from killing myself and being done. What happened to me destroyed me I am tired of trying to be normal. I just want to let myself be. I am ruined and everyone keeps saying that I can heal post trauma but how can I when I can't find safety anywhere. I want to go in my closet and shut the door and sleep my life away.

 

[henamedmeowl]

10/26/16

I feel like again I am lost in the woods. I feel like I have been here for a very long time. I guess it's just a mix of feelings but I think maybe I have just found the right direction to walk. I'll call it west and I'll assume I'm in the Eastern Woodlands which means I am going to have to walk the the woods for a while, hit the Great Plains, followed by the Rocky Mountains and Sierra Nevadas, then a desert, before I hit the ocean. I should keep my eyes toward the sky to guide me instead of all this muck around my feet. It's so interesting how I lose sight of what I want or cover it up with what people say or think or just suggest to me. What I want is what I want...and if I feel ruined or broken and want to be accepted as such that is my own right. I guess all the time I;m thinking about being healed aka normal...but I think I just want to be me..and I am me slowly healing ...and .wherever that is ok. I am a little quirky, a little into pain, I have internalized being a 14 year old girl even though I'm on the edge of 30. It's me though and I am what I am. A deep current inside bursting at the seems I only want to stand in front of people and love those and be with those that allow me to fall apart in their presence if it has to come to that and be ok with it. It's not love if I can't be myself and if it's not love then I don't want it.

 

[henamedmeowl]

When dissociation is a lifelong habit you space out sometimes and you don't even want to. Its like my brain is like f*ck that ...its too much bye! I mean but shit I have things to do, I can't be all zoned out and lost all the time. I guess it will be an endless battle i have to fight...grounding myself until I have a safe place to rest and exist in, without demons constantly in my face.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

You have found your tribe. Not only will we accept you when you're falling apart, we will understand why you are falling apart, and we will do whatever we can to help you put yourself back together. :hug:

10/26/16

It's me though and I am what I am. A deep current inside bursting at the seems I only want to stand in front of people and love those and be with those that allow me to fall apart in their presence if it has to come to that and be ok with it. It's not love if I can't be myself and if it's not love then I don't want it.

 

[henamedmeowl]

You have found your tribe. Not only will we accept you when you're falling apart, we will understa...

I am not familiar with trusting people to do that. That will be a hard thing for me to trust in ...just sharing has been painful in some of my exchanges and so my experiences with falling apart are similar ..I hope I will get there...and feel like I am safe enough here to fall apart.

 

[henamedmeowl]

All day I was daydreaming. I have a lot of schoolwork to do and today was the day to do it. Instead I cleaned my house slowly, not even the whole thing, and hung out with my family. I want to graduate but I do this over and over to myself. I half ass my assignments, I bullshit, and don't pay full attention sometimes during lectures. I know why this is happening I was triggered this week. I have to get a grip. So much work to do.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

Owl, what sort of grounding techniques do you use?

 

[henamedmeowl]

Owl, what sort of grounding techniques do you use?

I usually journal to get it out, or let myself space out. But it's been so much of the same trigger and back to back to back. So like I am overwhelmed. I literally just ate like 6-8 pieces of candy. I am zoning out in front of the tv. I want it to stop so bad. I started couples counseling last week and this is the result ..I am so tired.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

That I understand all too well. So, Owl, do you want to be present, or do you want to dissociate?

 

[henamedmeowl]

That I understand all too well. So, Owl, do you want to be present, or do you want to dissociate?[...

I want to dissociate. But I can't because I have so much work and I have other things to do...like I am in the middle of midterms. I don't want to be here like attending to the work. I emailed my professor so I can turn in some things late and I am going to stay home tomorrow alone for a while so that I can get myself together. Then I have couples therapy again f*ck. At least I will have individual therapy on Thursday...that should bring me back to life.

 

[henamedmeowl]

I spent all day getting my mind together trying to prepare myself to work. Just for him to act like he cares and hurt me again and now I am floundering, my eyes full of tears. I hate this, I wish I could afford childcare, I wish didn't live thousands of miles from my family, I wish I were financially independent. I wish I wasn't stuck having to struggle to survive and finish school with this constant triggering. It's my fault. I chose wrong. I just want to be free.

So much self care so many jump-starts this week just for him to drain my battery.

 

[henamedmeowl]

I am doing the worst I've ever been in my life. I did something earlier this week and I've never done anything like it in 14 years. Everyone around me sees me as resilient they tell me I'm strong they don't stop saying that. They even lean on me. I'm tired though just tired and I want to be done. I've had nausea and headaches and pains all.over.my body for two.weeks.straight..I don't really know what's happening to me..I am just trying to make it through final exams right now I don't want to be here i wish I could be done but its a fight against myself daily not to do it.