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Things To Work On

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lovely.rabbit

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Hi I am wondering if anyone has any advice on the following things;

It takes a bit to put ego out of the way and realise these things about myself but it needs to be done and im not the only one in the relationship.

I can aggrivate my boyfriend ALOT by assuming i know how hes feeling and continuously asking why hes mad at me/what i did wrong (its an insecurity i always assume ive hurt/annoyed/upset others) and even if he tells me a hundred times hes not mad i just keep worrying throughout the day and asking...
Im aware of it now and trying to stop...but im not sure how to deal with the emotions im feeling at the time, convinced that theres something wrong or something ive done, its almost obsessive now...

I constantly dwell in my past and even just waking up in the morning he will ask how i slept and usually ive had nightmares and flashbacks so ill be honest with him but i let it affect my entire day, thus affecting him...im not sure if I should just lie and say i slept well or if I should just tell him its best not to ask...

I am absolutely horrible to myself, i rarely feel comfortable with myself due to whats happened in my past so sometimes he tries to touch me and i pull away without meaning to. Im not sure how to stop this action, he has said that I am selfish, a coward and playing a victim card which all things being honest I can deffinitely see how he has come to those conclusions and i want to change/get help.

Any advice on what to do in times of your brain fighting against you and how to avoid the compulsive feelings of worrying that ive pissed him off, it must get extremely annoying and i want to work on it.

Thank you and sorry if this is in the wrong area, I am also looking to start psychotherapy/talk therapy within the week so hopefully that will help.
 
Why are you with this guy?

If he's telling you that you're selfish/a coward/playing the victim-------he's shaming you for trauma reactions. These aren't signs of a guy who actually cares about you. I'm more inclined to say these are more likely signs of a guy who thinks you owe him physical affection (sex?) and when you don't give it to him he resorts to attacking you and putting you down.
 
Loverly Rabbit-for what its worth, my life sounds a bit similar but I have found that I just can't be in a relationship at this time because of these exact things. If not already in a secure established relationship, it is too much. Yes your guy has some valid points but you are excusing his behavior away. That is not a criticism, I have done the same. Its harder to divide what is his stuff and what is my stuff when we are reactive.
 
Im orry - maybe Im putting my foot in my mouth now, but I dont see where he comes of as an jerk?

Please understand first Ive beenn through this. Both roles. And the example you say about waking up in the morning is a good one.
If some one told me every morning they felt miserable it would effect me. I mean I care. So you feel bad I feel bad and its not ment like get a grip or anything like that. Coming from the other side of it I had nightmares for years. And thought it be good to share. It wasnt really. It aslo made me feel miserable. Its ok to feel bad, to have nightmares, but I think maybe to learn slowly little by little to owe it and owe yourself might be good as part of healing?

Instead f telling him maybe have a quiet time for your self? Dare to learn how to remember the nightmares and analyse what they actually are trying to tell you? I dont hink they go away unless you do.... I spend years after years dream by dream until I got it. Really interesting also when you understand the concept of dream analyse. Very archetype.

Is it possible for you to see this as a process for you? Maybe learn to set boudaries (not sure you need or have done) like - I need some quiet time in the morning to your boyfriend? Ill talk with you after coffee? Ive done that cause Ive been so bad in the morning that any one speaking to me hurt.

Wish you all the best healing - and ment this as constructive.

Edit and add:

About the aggrivating topic: you also say you are aware f this your self. I read in some toher thread here today about the exact same (was it my thread) that when we are insecure we act in certain ways ( we dont mean to of course) and it creates a dynamic that might not be so healthy. I also used to aggrivate before. Caught myself real redhanded once and saw my self and it was like damn - relax girl. PTSD means we have high fysiological stress in our bodies - adrenaline and cortisol. Im now aiming at learning how the f chill down cause personally I know I can be full of it.
Learn how to owe my self and be calm about it.
 
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lovely.rabbit said:
It takes a bit to put ego out of the way and realise these things about myself but it needs to be done and im not the only one in the relationship.
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Hi @lovely.rabbit

What I'm going to say is my thoughts on your post and nothing more.

There is nothing wrong with what you feel or how you react in regards to your post.

I quoted your line because my first thought was, you are not in the relationship, your past is.

That you find it acceptable to be told you are selfish, a coward and playing the victim card concerns me.
For someone to have no regard for your pain and your worry is not pissing him off, sounds like possible reenactment and would make sense if it is your past which is in the relationship.
If it is, doesn't make anyone right, wrong or to blame. It is what it is.

It could also be possible this relationship is unhealthy for you. I am not judging, I am seeing myself as I was for decades.
That you pull away is might be your need to assert some little bit of control and at the same time expecting the repercussions.

You have survived some terrible, unf*ckinfair things. You deserved much better. You were unable to do anything about it then and had no choice.

Today you have a choice. Give yourself the love you deserve. No one else can until you do.

I will part with a true story.

I've been living alone except for my dog for 6 months now. First time in my life and I am 58 yrs old. Sometimes my tummy bothers me. My dog sleeps with me most nights. He will jump up after I lie down and pounce on my tummy in hopes of getting a good scratching. Well, he pounced and it hurt! :arghh; I heard myself say as I pushed him away, "Not tonight Eddie, I'm not in the mood." He jumped off the bed, got his bone, jumped back on the bottom corner of the bed and settled for gnawing his bone.
I was in a state of, :eek: well I don't know what to call it but I knew it was the first time I ever said those words out loud and it was both funny and freeing at the same time. ;) Those words, that sentiment had been waiting a lifetime to be said and I never again want those words stilled. Yet there is a tiny part of me who hopes to try that theory on someone :inlove: other than a dog someday but we all have to start somewhere. That's part of finding self. :hilarious:
 
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