Relationship To Reach Out Or Not...

[GoatBoston]

We decided to end things a few weeks back because he can't give me a relationship while he focuses on getting better...I know he won't reach out to me because he won't want to inadvertently hurt me again......but I just have this overwhelming urge to reach out to him...show up at his house to see him again....I don't know if this is wise/passsionate/caring, or if it's crazy & self destructive....thoughts?

 

[Marta]

I am no expert and I am coming from the other side, the one trying to get better. But I know that I would like to hear from that other person. You have to protect yourself too, but maybe just a call or a text, letting him know that you are thinking of him.

 

[questionsaboutrel]

GoatBoston, while you may want to reach out with a text/phone call/whatever, I don't think showing up at his house is a good idea. I've read several PTSD sufferers on here who feel like their home is their sanctuary/space and that they can be very protective of this. I've experienced this firsthand, as my own partner once had a blowup over something similar (I thought we had plans to hang out and headed over to his house, he thought we didn't because of miscommunication and freaked out). I would definitely try something less pressure-filled and potentially confrontational first.

 

[GoatBoston]

I didn't go over...but I did send a text and he called me but I couldn't speak much because I was with people...but he ended up going out last night (which he doesnt do much) and I'm guessing he was drinking because he started texting me a whole lot and saying very sweet and kind things... he was saying how much he's missed me and been thinking about me. I think he needed me to make the first move in reaching out...But now today I haven't heard a peep from him even though I called him about an hour ago like I said I said I would yesterday when I couldnt talk....this shit makes NO sense....how do I wrap my head around this???

 

[Amack]

I don't know your whole story but I would say it is common place to be somewhat indecisive when therapy starts. If you agreed upon space I would give that. Expectations are somewhat limited in the space time continuum of PTSD life..........but a simple text letting the sufferer know you care is good as long as you expect nothing for now, as in the agreed space. On a side note drinking can exacerbate emotions negatively while in treatment...just a tip from my therapist. Lots to consider and read up on if your new to this.

 

[questionsaboutrel]

I didn't go over...but I did send a text and he called me but I couldn't speak much because I was wi...

Glad things turned out well so far. I know the ups and downs can be hard.

 

[GoatBoston]

Glad things turned out well so far. I know the ups and downs can be hard.

Thanks....but he hasn't returned my call from this morning so I finally just sent a text and am wondering why the silent treatment after yesterday.

 

[Hojay]

This sounds like quite the emotional roller coaster - weeks of silence, then loads of communication, then nothing. I'm sure he was happy to hear from you, relieved you still care, missing you after probably suffering himself for not having been able to give you the relationship you need. And the operative word here is "need." You have needs too, and a desire for a mutually respectful, balanced relationship - whether it is romantic at the moment, or not. I'm a supporter and can only sort of glimpse at how atrocious PTSD is for sufferers. However, it's important for us supporters to hold on to our own values and boundaries - what is and what isn't okay with us, along with how we need to be treated to keep people in our life. It's a hard line to toe because sufferers truly have times where their capacity is limited, but it's up to us to weed out what we can make allowances for and what just won't fly. Unless he is in very direct crisis mode at the moment and can't even look at his phone - I don't think PTSD is an excuse to flake and just let you hang. That's just shoddy and rude, and I'm sorry you have to sit around right now wondering what is going on...I'm sure you've had enough times like these when you were still together :(

 

[Friday]

It seems cruel to me.

If you're absolutely adamant about not being friends, but only willing to have a romantic relationship? Then acting like a friend just seems like you're toying with this bloke. He respected your boundaries and stayed away after you said romance or nothing, when he said he can't do romance right now. So then you drop in out of the blue and dangle what seems like friendship out to him? But isn't, as you said "passionate" up above, you seem to still be on your love-quest?

So are you willing to be friends, or are you just f*cking with him?

 

[GoatBoston]

It seems cruel to me.

If you're absolutely adamant about not being friends, but only willing to have a...

I'm not dangling him with friendship. We spoke today and he said that he wasn't asking for just a platonic friendship but he can't pick up where we left off, and wants to try to start over from a place without the full blown relationship that I wanted....I asked him if there was a place of compromise between starting from the beginning and jumping back in from where we left off....he fairly had some areas of frustration with me from our last conversation, but as I told him, I don't know what to do when he says he can't be in a relationship....it seems crazy to stick around when someone is saying that they can't be in a relationship and need to be alone...what am I to do when he says that other than to say, okay, be alone but I can't do this thing of only being in touch on your terms. I want to try to compromise in a place somewhere between what we both want, and have it be a place where the potential for a future exists in that compromise.

 

[GoatBoston]

This sounds like quite the emotional roller coaster - weeks of silence, then loads of communication, then...

Thank you!...yeah, it is rude! sometimes I forget that bad behavior is just bad behavior and PTSD isn't a hall pass!

 

[Sighs]

.this shit makes NO sense

Of course it doesn't make sense. Its a serious mental health problem. And its not a case of

only being in touch on your terms

its a case of only being in touch when he is well enough.

I don't really understand what you're doing here. He made it clear he could not be a committed relationship right now. You made it clear that you couldn't deal with him isolating and shutting you out. (Which is reasonable - no criticism of you.) So... now you're talking again why?