How do you not take on other's "stuff".

[Deleted member 541]

@lostforgottensoul I get what you're saying. I used to go nuts when I would hear stuff people said about me. I would do anything to make people not believe stuff. I would do anything to change their minds. You wouldn't believe some of the desperate things I've done...... not anymore...

It got so bad at one point with an ex, that I almost litterly lost my mind. The things he said about me to other people. He had people believing him. He even convinced a very good friend of mine that I was at his house at night scaring his elderly mother. I went to this friend when I heard what he was asaying, and I tried to tell her that I would not do that. She got so upset she kept saying I did. I turned away and said, " The friendship is over. I'm not going to defend myself anymore when you believe him". She PUSHED me and hit me.

She went back to my ex and convinced him to get a restraining order on me, and SHE wrote a letter to the judge and lied like crazy in the letter. I called her when I got home. Very calmly and asked why. She told me she was hurt because I said the friendship was off. I told her that if she could lie to a judge, then the friendship was DEFINATELY over.

I think it was about that time, I learned to not let my"shit meter" get to high, and imsoon learned to not give a shit either. It's all about your "shit meter" and how much shit you're will to take....

 

[lostforgottensoul]

all about your "shit meter" and how much shit you're will to take...

Indeed. I wish, though, that I could some how seperate my self esteem from that. Like, take my family for instance, I backed up, stopped talking to them, stop getting drawn into their drama. But what i was hearing that they were saying 2nd or 3rd hand, would cause a ton of self loathing and self punishment; cutting and whatnot.

But, I guess that's called giving a shit from a distance. Having a very high shit meter.

Ugh, I hate this shit!! :banghead: (how many times can you use "shit" in a post)

 

[sun seeker]

How did you start letting other people's junk stay other people's junk and not become your junk too?

By having a nervous breakdown. Then I just didn't have the energy anymore.

Not that I recommend this method, mind you... :rolleyes:

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Haha @sunseeker! No, we don't want mental breakdown. :P

 

[joeylittle]

How did you start letting other people's junk stay other people's junk and not become your junk too? I am sure it takes practice but how did you start to practice?

Knowing what your first instinctive response will be, and then committing to interrupting that response before it can escalate (because the internal response usually escalates quickly), and replacing it with something more balanced. To do that, you have to plan in advance what the replacement thoughts are going to be. This is where the cbt thought record is useful - it allows you to analyze past interactions and re-script your response without the pressure of being in the moment. That can give you the tools for what you need to plug in as a more balanced internal response.

"What ever anyone thinks is none of my business".

I'm going to disagree a little. When I read this, I read a fairly sharp and abrupt redirect that does have an implied self-judgement. It's none of my business, so I'd better get my nose out of there - that's the implication. That you are doing a wrong thing.

What other people think doesn't need to be what I think - that's to me a little more useful.

But, it seems to me like it would be better to think 'I don't know what other people think, and I don't know why they do what they do. But I do know myself, and I can have some influence over that.'

 

[lostforgottensoul]

'I don't know what other people think, and I don't know why they do what they do. But I do know myself, and I can have some influence over that.'

I like that, a lot!

He wrote it because of my family. This person said this and this said this and then that said that and now i feel like i wanna jump in front of a train! It was insane and 3 times, once when my dad went in there with me, he sat and listened and said nothing for a long time. Then, still not saying anything, he wrote big in sharpie and held up "DRAMA".

I guess he wrote it like that because I knew what they thought as they said it loud and clear but, you are right now that I think on it. It certianly does imply I am doing wrong and thus self judgement is imposed. And likely re-enforces the "I am bad" script.

Also, in that situation, I knew what they thought as they told me but in other situations I do mind read, and I do it a lot. "Oh god, I made her mad and now she hates me". A ton! So that would certianly to help me say, to myself, "hey, you have no idea what they think".

The CBT I guess I am not making things simple enough and so I get frustrated. I don't know what it is with me and not being able to simplify.

I guess if you go through it enough you learn like what to do next time? I guess that's the whole point, huh?

I'll try it again, and more often.

Thanks so much for all of that! That was def spot on!

 

[joeylittle]

I guess if you go through it enough you learn like what to do next time? I guess that's the whole point, huh?

Yup, pretty much. I don't know that things ever completely vanish, as far as negative self talk goes - but things definitely get better with practice. Once you find that phrase that really works for you, just stick to it like glue. :)

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Playing with phrases. I don't want it long as I won't be able to remember all of it in an emotional spinning time. But was thinking all night and all day that it needs to include "what others may think of me isn't fact and it isn't who I am as I know I am a good and caring person" or something like that. I'm playing with shorter phrases but I need some sort of something in there that says something about what people think of me isn't the truth about who I am as that's the issue. I am allowing what other people think of me to impact what I think of me.

 

[Recovery4Me]

There are many insightful methods that have been offered to you. But as another member said, it is truly important that you pick one up as a skill set that you think will work for you.

As I worked to unravel my codependence on others peoples opinion of me, I found various methods worked at different times along my journey. However all of them took much practice on my part.

For me, I found a direct correlation between their plug-ins to my own negative tapes as well as emotionally invested interest ( as with family members or loved ones). For me that was one of my keys – to improve my self-esteem. That is not a quick fix for most. However, it is easy to see the improvement with the practice of skill sets to keep them on their own side of the street.

The more baggage that you removed in therapy, perhaps you will find the less of an impact other people's opinions have on you. Believe in yourself more and I promise it will not hurt as much. ((Hugs))

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

I love the new term I have learned here today! "Shit meter" Like, how much do I care about a stranger's opinion about me? Zero, so it's not even on the meter. If it's a real friend, then there is already unconditional love and acceptance, so it doesn't need to be "tested".

@lostforgottensoul Thanks for bringing up this VERY VALID issue!
AKJ:tup:

BTW, I have found that the older I get, the less I care what EVERYONE thinks. I trust my own judgement more.
(Unfortunately, I still have a hard time with judging myself too harshly. I would NEVER hold anyone else to the standards I hold myself to!)

 

[lostforgottensoul]

However all of them took much practice on my part.

Def practice. I think a lot of it is I don't know who I am without it. Without the cult. I don't know who i am and so i fill in the blanks, i think, by what others think i am. So if another thinks I am a manipulator, that never respect boundries, and don't care about people then i am a manipulator, that never respect boundries, and don't care about people even though, rationally, i know that i don't know how to consciencely on purpose manipulate, respect obvious boundries, and do care very much about all others.

Or if another thinks I am a monster or a lier or ugly or fat or anything...i fill in those blanks. And im not doing it on purpose and always have since i left the cult. Before then, it defined me. Even after it did.

It's hard not to do that as i can't be a blank slate. Its not possible. But I think that if i can fill in good things or if i can counter that by saying it doesn't define me or something like that to practice, it may change?

Def not easy at all or it would already be done.

My therapist and I are currently working on this by him giving one or two good attitubutes. First two i am still on. In his words: my sense of humor and how quick i am to catch on and laugh to myself, (my step mom says i have no sense of humor so i keep it hidden) and in his words my "upper level intellegence" which also reflects on my sense of humor. I don't see the 2nd one.

But he has me reflecting on them, notice and naming them as they come, researching them (since im an obessive researcher), looking for them in life, reflecting more, naming them over and over again, researching them more, looking for them in life over and over again.

We've been doing that for about a month and a half ish and i am starting to see that i have a good sense humor and pick up on what i consider funny very fast and that i might be sorta smart.

Anyway, I am starting to see those attributes a little bit slowly. I think that's how i find out whom i am really is seeing, slowly, good attitbutes about myself and adding more and more and more slowly.

Finding myself.

I love the new term I have learned here today! "Shit meter"

Isn't "shit meter" a great term?

Mine is set way too high. WAY too high.

 

[Deleted member 541]

I love the new term I have learned here today! "Shit meter" Like, how much do I care about a stranger's opinion about me? Zero, so it's not even on the meter. If it's a real friend, then there is already unconditional love and acceptance, so it doesn't need to be "tested".

BTW, I have found that the older I get, the less I care what EVERYONE thinks. I trust my own judgement more.
(Unfortunately, I still have a hard time with judging myself too harshly. I would NEVER hold anyone else to the standards I hold myself to!)

So true, so true so true....... I think the older we get, the more wisdom we acquire, along with all the aches and pain too. But, yes, so true.