How do you not take on other's "stuff".

[Recovery4Me]

@joeylittle D*mn gurl...your pro!:hug:

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I know this sounds very semantic, but how we think about things directly correlates to how we feel about them. You have to change how you think to change how you feel and act.

No, it sounds obvious. Or makes sense anyways. I have no idea when I got sucked back into old thinking patterns but me thinks i need to stop putting off cracking back open the DBT workbook!

you could try and not use the word 'hate' at all for seven days.

Oh boy. That would be a challenge. A good challenge but a hard challenge indeed.

I wonder if I can set up something that mocks putting a quarter in the jar if you curse kind of thing for myself if I said the word "hate". Would context matter? Like saying that i hate a certian food or something? Hmmm. An intresting challenge indeed. But a good one.

Why do you have to always make sense? Lol.

 

[joeylittle]

I wonder if I can set up something that mocks putting a quarter in the jar if you curse kind of thing for myself if I said the word "hate". Would context matter? Like saying that i hate a certian food or something? Hmmm. An intresting challenge indeed. But a good one.

One technique is just to use a clicker counter, and click it when you do the redirect. I'd say you don't need to penalize yourself, because you will say it by accident occasionally. The goal isn't to negative condition (i.e., do an action when you mess up) - it's really to just start clocking how frequently the word comes up. And changing it to something more observable and specific.

Yeah, even foods - 'I hate soup' vs 'I get sick when I have soup' vs 'I don't enjoy soup'...'I reject soup'...'I am weirded out by the texture of soup'...it goes on and on.

It's actually kind of fun.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

Learning to "re-language" our thoughts is an almost constant battle, but it's worth it to WIN the war!

My T helped me learn to stop the "knee-jerk" reaction. When I catch myself "going down" a negative thinking pattern, or the desire to cut, I visualize a STOP sign.

Then I "bring up" a good memory, and focus on it as much as possible

 

[lostforgottensoul]

It's actually kind of fun.

Ah, make a game out of finding different ways to say one thing. Or at least list them as i normally bore of word games.

I'd say you don't need to penalize yourself, because you will say it by accident occasionally. The goal isn't to negative condition (i.e., do an action when you mess up) - it's really to just start clocking how frequently the word comes up. And changing it to something more observable and specific.

Yeah, that's like punishing the bad which then re-enforces my past so thats not good anyway.

It will probably be rewarding to catch myself and redirect. Like an "atta girl" to myself. Sounds silly but any thing to know im going or headed in the right direction and not sliding downhill anymore or stopped at the bottom anymore. Any sign that i am climbing back up a little bit is good and helps.

One technique is just to use a clicker counter, and click it when you do the redirect.

I've seen those clickers that count. A click and it moves up a number. Unsure what they are actually used for but that sounds ok. I usually have been able to duplicate to an app on my phone but this one I'll probably need to go old school.

Where do they sell them? I don't know what they are actually for so i don't know where to find them. 'Cept probably Amazon. Everything is on Amazon. I'll look tonight and add it with my dog's headcollar that I was going to get. I have Prime so I'll get it like Friday or something.

I visualize a STOP sign.

Hmm, that's intresting. I'm always a pro at vizualization. I can have something vizualized in a sec. I don't know though cause what happens is, inside of like a split sec, my anxiety spikes to its highest, my emotions all spike to their highest and im in this tangled mess and my brain just shuts down until ive calmed down. The calm down time depends but it will generally take 30 or so mins for things to start to calm.

I do need to stop and back up but i have always had an issue with stopping the raising of the anxiety and emotions. Meds are helping so they aren't raising as high (though high enough still) and in general stay calmer and i can stay calm and even much more then before but it still happens. And its starting to happen more.

Thats why i think its a perfect time to get back to the DBT workbook. I only got through chapters 1 and 2. I didnt get very far. So i think brush up on 1 & 2 quickly and then move on through to 3.

But i'll try that too and see if it works to help snap my head into action or stop and step back before i loose my thinking inside of the split sec it happens.

Thanks! Thats a cool idea.

 

[rosey]

I read a lot here about people's feeling, thoughts, issues, etc are theirs or about them and...

i havent had time to read all the posts so sorry it i merely repeat.

Having been in the same boat and taken on many other people's feeling i have learnt now not to.

In the main it is a decision not to be affected but that is easier said than done. i take a self-reflection approach to it now asking a few little questions to find out what is going on with me that it setting me off;
1) am I using other people's feelings to distract from my own feelings
2) am i using their feelings as a way to release, feel or express my feelings (distancing from my actual issues)
3) am i being triggered
4)is my over empathy a want to rescue that person.

The intense feeling in fact say more about you than the other people. it shows that you are an extremely caring and empathic person but that you are maybe hiding behind others feelings.

once I have worked out what is going on with me I can then move away from carrying their load and deal with my load.

of course there is also a big difference in taking on others feelings and making yourself responsible for others certainly the later is not a place to be you are not responsible for other peoples feelings and only they can change them and likewise for yourself.

Sounds to me like you have a very big heart take care of it.

 

[Rani G2]

am also an extreme people pleaser. I want to please everyone all the time.

When I read this I had an Aha Moment. Nothing very sensational but still. I use to think "I was a people pleaser" a "yes" sayer. Someone who is wanting to get liked. My T asks me how a certain relationship with XY went. I say, I reacted like this or said that. And she asks me, you really think you want others to like you? Because your behaviour doesnt match that.

Its strange, because I thought I had a somewhat true selfimage. My actions, reactions though, if identified more in detail are not of a people pleaser. A few weeks I criticised my colleague for being rude. And I never realised that I did that. I just didnt identify.

So are you really sure lostforgottensoul?

Shankara

 

[lostforgottensoul]

4)is my over empathy a want to rescue that person.

I do this a lot. I want to help people as much as I can, even if they don't want to be helped by me.

it shows that you are an extremely caring and empathic person but that you are maybe hiding behind others feelings.

My over-empathy, I don't know if it is hiding or if it is a way to punish myself or (when they very much dislike me, and especially if they make it clear what they think of me). I think i want to "prove" i am not this horrible person they feel I am. Or something.

So are you really sure lostforgottensoul?

I am sure I want other's to like me. Or everyone to like me. I obsess about it. This person dislikes because of XYZ so I try to change XYZ etc. It is a way to say "i am bad" or some form of that so i punish.

I do push people away. I know I do that. But i still want others to like me.

In the situation I posted about in the replies (which isn't someone I pushed away). I am obessing to show this person that dislikes me that Im not what they are saying I am. Or what they think i am. But that is making them dislike me more and say these bad things more.

I need to get to a point where i don't give a shit what others think. That i stand on my own knowledge that I am not what they say and am a good caring person. But it is a process I think. And adjusting my shit meter to a lower setting so I take less shit from people.

In any case, both things do ring true in my life in different ways.

So maybe this is about 3 seperate things.

1. Being too empathetic and taking on other's junk in that way,
2. wanting to be liked but pushing people away,
3. making what other's think of me (whether known or perceived) to be what I think of me.

I see them as 3 different issues that effect me different ways and are handled 3 different ways.

 

[Rani G2]

@lostforgottensoul

i must be cautious while answering your post, because I am somewhat similar and then again not. There is some sought of ambiguity to it. Paradoxical in a way.

Is the helping thing connected with redemption? There is something one needs (Just a thought) to correct so badly, “if I keep doing it, i can make it better this time“. I have heard about re-creating something from the past to handle it this time differently. “I couldnt do it then, but now I can“. Its a part that searches for repairs. I dont know, if this is bullsh*, I have been told this once. Its like a coping mechanism that one repeats over and over again.

The taking over, being overly empathetic is “probably“ also due to our alert state we were in for a long time. You never know when the next monster is coming, so better be careful.
Observing others, their mimic belonged to our survival programme. Some are overly sensitised for that. But then again, it doesnt necessarily have to be caused by trauma, some people have a high ability to be empathic.

I might be wrong, its just one possibility out of many.

You already say:

I see them as 3 different issues that effect me different ways and are handled 3 different ways.

And maybe thats how it needs to be approached.


Shankara

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Is the helping thing connected with redemption?

Hmm, intresting question. Maybe bring in abusive people or hurt people to do better this time? Hmmm, im not sure. I do know I re-create many aspects of my trauma. So much so that I created a poll here about it. So maybe?

That would be a 4th thing though lol. So many "things".

I think, though, most of what I was talking about here is bringing in what others think of me as my truth about me. Though, what they think of me, or ar least what they have made known, is 100% incorrect and my rational brain knows that and I try so hard to get them and others to understand that I want to help and don't mean harm. And am not as they see me.

Though, why does it matter so much what they think of me? It does matter, to me, a ton...but why?

And I do also think there is a huge aspect of abandonment too, as always.

But yeah, what you said rings true a bit. Will be something i need to think on though.

 

[Rani G2]

Lostforgottensoul.

when I read you there is an aspect that I can relate to. When I meet “some“ people, there is a door bell ringing : “They think I am stupid“. This doorbell isnt that loud anymore, I dont need to react to it that often. But I am still recognizing it. I used to go up to those people and pretend I was very smart. I still do it, but not that badly. Now its the inferior superior dynamic I am reacting to. Urghhh

When you talk about the “why does it matter what they think of me“. I think of the part that is suspicious, what if there is a hint of truth to it ? No there isnt, my rational mind says NO. But a part reacts to it. A part that has built up to take over some belief in order to cope in certain situations. This part cannot be grasped through the intellect its more an emotional based thing. Sorry , I think this is Irritating, but I can only put it that way.

A spiderweb that needs to be detangled. :)

Shankara

 

[lostforgottensoul]

“why does it matter what they think of me“. I think of the part that is suspicious, what if there is a hint of truth to it ?

Yes! The "what if it is all true?" Is totally it. Though my rational brain knows that i am a kind, caring, loving, loyal friend that does anything for anyone even if that means i go without; there is still a large part of me that says "what if they are right?" And then the rest of me seems to cave to that "what if" question. Or it seems.