Yes, I honestly believed with all my heart I would be killed.
Me too! I mean, i justify it by saying they needed me as I was "the demon child" and per their bible, there were only one true one and I was that true one for several reasons (i think he wrote it to fit me) so they'd never kill me. They needed me in this cult. But being held under water until you passed out. Chained out naked in the winter time or when it was thunderstorming and lightrning....and other things, dying went through my mind so many times.
So though I justify it that they'd never kill me, I was convinced I was going to die during it all.
and I still have a tendency to see news world events through prophecy and numerical filters. It's not as bad now bit before it just was second nature and when bad things happen I keep thinking. Was it true?.. pisses me off when this happens.
Was the prophecy true?
I research things and people like Nostradamus whom actually did predict several historical events.
You mean like that or like different kinds?
I've been here about the same amount of time.. but depending on what stage in recovery I would come for a bit then avoid coming here because I felt too vulnerable.. couldnt grasp everything that people were trying to do to help.. and I felt very inferior.. for not being able to.. then I felt that if I couldnt grasp I really had no way to offer anyone else support.. and absolutely was terrified of saying something that wasn't ok or right. so a lot of young almost infancy/adolescent type reactions.. projecting and fearing bring ostracized again for failing someone somehow..
I thought i saw you around for a while.
I, also, have had many issues with myself here. Not a site issue but a me issue. Especially when I first joined as I had no idea how to be around people, connect to people, be vulernable. I did put it all out there but being vulernable was so hard for me. Not protecting myself all the time. Not defending myself all the time was so hard for me.
Personally i needed, badly needed this. Support. People that care. I was like someone thats not drank water in days, once i realized it was water and wasn't poisoned i absorbed it, down the water, so very fast.
But it took a while to realized the water wasn't poisoned. That people weren't here just to hurt me. That was my biggest hurdle here.
This site has been such a great lesson for me. One huge ongoing lesson.
And its ok to have issues like that as we have to learn how to be around normal people. Or people that arent the cult. And we stumble. We may stumble a lot. But in the end, we learn, right?
I completely understand! And it is ok! :hug:
I'm getting better at not doing that but I know it's going to take time to deprogram and reprogram. Thank you for the resources. Defiantly will be checking those out! You are awesome! And I really appreciate it! Let's blaze trails homie!
Yes, it does take time to deprogram and reprogram. I ran far in a year but everyone moves their own pace and i have fell in a hole which is what i am currently trying to climb out of. And hit many walls which I had to take down brick by brick until I could climb over. So we have our own hurrdles and pitfalls. The thing, for me, is to keep moving. Don't self judge about falling or getting stuck. Just work your way unstuck. Untangle what is making you stuck. But don't self judge due to getting stuck.
Fall, start to dig out. Hit a wall, start to take it down.
My therapist says that we will always run back to our comfort zone. So when I feel too far out of my comfort zone, I get scared and i will run back to it. It's natural and ok. As long as you gain that self awareness and start to move out of your comfort zone again. Because the more we move out, go back, move out again, we will move out further each time.
Sorry to ramble and for the long post. I hope some of this makes sense and helps.
It is so hard to heal after a cult. I just want you to know you aren't alone with any of this at all. And I totally get it! :hug:
