What Made You Angry Today?

[Ironlady]

That I can't always articulate what I want to say in therapy.. so many times it comes out wrong.. I'm pretty sure I have manic/depression and I'm too afraid to ask my T what he thinks. Goddamnit. I'm just overwhelmed. I hate feeling overwhelmed. I'm angry I can't get control of myself right now and calm down. I'm angry I can't calm down.

 

[Ronin]

I'm angry I can't calm down.

If it's acute, do you anything that helps you calm down purely chemically?

(Got thinking of my lately caffeine spells, medication before then, otherwise boxing the anger out until there simple wasn't energy left, much less anger, things like that.)

 

[Ironlady]

If it's acute, do you anything that helps you calm down purely chemically?

(Got thinking of my lately ca...

I've backed caffeine way off.. been exercising.. the anger abates but not the racing thoughts or energy.. I feel like I'm stuck on full throttle and I can't slow my mind down. And then I get anger in control I think and my now my husband just pisses me off because I told him that I wasn't cooking all f*cking day on thanksgiving.. I didn't feel up to it.. that I wanted to see my gran.. oh.. he says.. well.. I was just planning on eating bunches and laying around rest of the day.. I just let me know what you want to do then.. code for what are you still fixing me because I deserve to be waited on.. f*ckING eating carrot sticks and cheese! Or better!.. go cook it it your f*cking self!!!!.. see how 12 hours of non stop cooking feels!!.. then see if you actually want to enjoy it you f*cking bastard. I assure you it's not as appetizing when your dead on your feet!.. then he says.. why don't you see her tomorrow then you won't have to go on thanksgiving because I'm not going if everyone else is there.. fine don't go you bastard but quit making me feel bad for not wanting to be a f*cking slave and for wanting to see my gran whom I haven't seen in 6 months. Bugger off you f*ckING shithead!. I feel like I'm going to f*ckING explode. Sorry.... guess that's what I'm now really feeling... :mad: I'm not good Ronin.. I'm f*cking not ok. :cry:

 

[Ironlady]

Oh I know what I couldn't say yesterday.. I am pretty sure I'm some form of bipolar.. and for years I've had to hear stigmatized comments from my husband and others in my family about it and mental health.. a cousin marries someone who is and then I hear. What a f*cking idiot for marrying her.. why couldn't he choose someone normal.. then I'm here feeling like a piece of shit because I have all my cptsd depression suicidal shit with or without it.. but I'm pretty sure I suffer from it because what there nothing else that explains myself.. so I'm internalizing all these judgments snarky comments they say about others to myself.. it's childish and stupid but I feel like shit., look family!! I'm a f*cking crazy ass motherf*cker sitting right here.. you might as well as call me out as one just as your calling her and all them out as one! .. judgmental know it all but don't know shit, insensitive, calloused, judgmental bastards..

 

[Ronin]

@Ironlady, arguments happen, petty bullshit that's too f*cking much to handle happens, and you will be okay, alright?

I'm sorry things are not working out for you right now, and due to something like an annual feast, but hopefully they will work out later. He should respect your wish to not see relatives when you're already stressed, methinks. Family politics are difficult to navigate.

& Yeah, I hear ya. People are just insensitive quite often, and ignorant what it's like to have any number of issues. You're not bad for bipolar, you're not a dumbass, or anything else that was said about sufferers of that disorder.

 

[Ironlady]

@Ironlady, arguments happen, petty bullshit that's too f*cking much to handle happens,...

I'll be ok even though I don't feel like it right now..

That's the problem.. he won't keep me from doing anything but he will sure pout about it.. and I did want to see her.. I didn't want to not see her.. she's 89 years old. May be my last thanksgiving with her..who knows..

Insensitive yes.. I know I'm not all dumb and everything they say.. I just.. I don't fit in anywhere. I feel rejected.. even if it's covertly.. I feel they are rejecting me... tunes will change of course if they find out. Then I'll be the best bipolar person they know. Which will hurt just as much because Ill feel like it's shit. It's all just bullshit.

 

[TXbandit]

f*cking Christmas music on my favorite radio stations and for losing my shit while attempting to change the radio settings! :mask: Ba humbug!!!!

 

[Anrish]

Guess what...? My chief...:meh:

 

[Ronin]

@Anrish :hug: You should be paid for every time you have to see his face. A golden nugget per second.

 

[Anrish]

@Ronin Some pain and compensation money might be really...necessary. :banghead: He has no social competence only social corpulence...:arghh; Selfish career jerk...:cautious:

 

[Ronin]

He's a testament to your strength & patience & diplomacy skills used daily, @Anrish. :ninja::hug:

 

[Anrish]

@Ronin Yup, that's how I also see him. :ninja: Only 14 months - and he or I will leave the department...:cautious: I've got my connections and they're pretty strong. :alien: