Reply To My Brother's Email?

[Muttly]

So, my family isn't so great (understatement). My dad was my primary abuser and I cut contact with him a few years ago. They are sort of weird. They do this whole, "our family is so great" and "family is everything" routine. When I started trying to create some space between myself and them, things got really ugly. They'd call, email, show up at my house, telling me I was selfish and trying to guilt me or demanding I be a part of the family. My brother even called work and wanted to talk to my manager at one point.

My brother was physically abusive and verbally abusive and I guess he can still be verbally abusive. But he can also be nice and once upon a time we were very close... well, when he was sober. Or when he was interested in being around me. He sometimes wanted space or was off drunk or drugging and then he had nothing to do with me. So we've had this cycle for decades maybe. He's nice and misses me and wants me around and then everything flipflops. First because of his drug/alcohol issues and then because... I wasn't being the "good" family member. I was selfish by wanting to have some distance. I guess at one point he got pretty nasty, and told me he would tell my nephew I was dead and that really broke my heart. My offense, not being in contact often enough. Later he said he'd changed his mind, but he never apologized. At that point I stopped replying to his emails, etc.

He sent me an email saying he missed me and would like to see me, if only for a few minutes for thanksgiving. And I won't be able to see him thanksgiving but... I could answer I suppose. I'm not sure why I'm thinking about it. I'm not sure it would be a good idea. I do think if I get in contact it's going to make it more likely he will keep reaching out and trying to bring me back in. But maybe he's changed? Maybe I'm now strong enough that his manipulation and craziness won't get to me?

 

[EveHarrington]

I'd stay silent and not reply.

The thing about past people who used to make us crazy? Even if we are stronger now, the "crazy threshold" with them is still lower. Maybe it's because they've already used up all our good will for them and have a perpetual negative score in this realm whereas new crazy people will start with a clean slate.

 

[Ronin]

I'm not sure it would be a good idea.

I'd go with that gut feeling.

No second guessing it, no 'maybe he's changed'. Maybe he learned he can try to get to you in other way. & Maybe he's just gotten better at fooling you into the same old head games you needed recovery for, in the first place.

 

[hodge]

I think him telling your nephew you're dead was a very low blow, not only to you but to his son. If he's never apologized for that and if he knows how much that hurt you (not to mention his own son!), I don't see any evidence that he's changed. This is just me from a total outsider standpoint.

I also left my family of origin and got my share of being told I was the selfish one. Which is just not true. I tried my damndest to help my family to get more emotionally healthy, but with a mother who wouldn't stay in therapy, it was impossible.

My gut feeling from just what you've written is that if you have to question whether you're strong enough to sustain his manipulation and craziness, you might not be there yet. But, then again, you might. Only you can really answer that.

Sending you hugs and healing vibes.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Maybe I'm now strong enough that his manipulation and craziness won't get to me?

Maybe but maybe it will make you spin. It isn't a testiment of how strong one is but how well one can place boundries and keep them or if one even wants to allow the drama and manipulation in their life.

I choose to not talk to my family because of just that. That level drama is insanity and it is too much for most but most especially me that am already struggling with emotional regulation. I am also new to boundry settings and their digs are so very personal and very manipulating that it is better, at least right now, to not be in contact.

When I re-evaluate this, it will be one person at a time.

So this will be a decision of do you want to deal with this bad cycle or can you set strong boundties yet? Again, not a testiment to strength but level of recovery and neither choice is right or wrong. Just what you can handle at this point in time.

And holiday or not, this still applies.

 

[Friday]

What would you regret the least in a worst case scenario?

1) He's still abusive as f*ck & you get completely wrapped up in his manipulation games & crazy & all that entails.

2) He's completely changed, and you don't find that out?

Which is the one which would gut you, haunt you, f*ck you up, be a regret you carry with you? Granted that the truth may well lie somewhere in the middle, looking at planning for the absolute worst, so anything better than that is bonus.

 

[shimmerz]

I am going through this process myself right now. I think what I have come to; what is best for me is that the people I want to surround myself with are people who are committed to wanting a positive and healthy relationship.

I wonder how your brother would react if you set the terms of what you wanted in the relationship? Say perhaps, 'sure why don't we chat on the phone for and we will see how it goes from there). I am finding for myself that in order to see where these 'every now and then drop into your life and leave' people are best dealt with by being put in a position that involves them actually working at the relationship. No guts, no glory right?

You may want to find out if his parents are still a large influence in his life. If they are he has most likely not changed as it sounds like a family inculcation of sorts. That type of influence in him will perhaps lead to more uncertainty and less stability in your life, which it sounds like, you have worked very hard for.

 

[Muttly]

Thank you all for your replies. Normally I am ok with not acknowledging him, I am not sure why this time I'm struggling with that.

What would you regret the least in a worst case scenario?

1) He's still abusive as f*ck & you get completely wrapped up in his manipulation games & crazy & all that entails.

2) He's completely changed, and you don't find that out?

Which is the one which would gut you, haunt you, f*ck you up, be a regret you carry with you? Granted that the truth may well lie somewhere in the middle, looking at planning for the absolute worst, so anything better than that is bonus.

I'm not sure. I guess I fear he's completely changed and I will not know because I'm not in contact. But then... If he had completely changed, doesn't it seem like his approach would have changed? Like maybe he'd acknowledge that he might have contributed to my absence. Or he would be asking/offering to find a way to make it work instead of just saying "I miss you" like he always does?

I wonder how your brother would react if you set the terms of what you wanted in the relationship? Say perhaps, 'sure why don't we chat on the phone for and we will see how it goes from there). I am finding for myself that in order to see where these 'every now and then drop into your life and leave' people are best dealt with by being put in a position that involves them actually working at the relationship. No guts, no glory right?

You may want to find out if his parents are still a large influence in his life. If they are he has most likely not changed as it sounds like a family inculcation of sorts. That type of influence in him will perhaps lead to more uncertainty and less stability in your life, which it sounds like, you have worked very hard for.

I'm sorry you are struggling with similar issues. I have tried to set boundaries in the past and it worked for a bit and then it would all fall apart. That's part of why I stopped contact, because having to reinforce boundaries constantly was exhausting and triggering. It's also been the cause of some of his worst explosions, when I have set boundaries before.

I can handle the leaving part. Although, to be brutally honest he hardly ever does the leave thing anymore. A part of that may be because he has family, but a lot of it is because he's disabled now. He had a really bad accident as a result of drinking and kind of ruined his life. So now that he can't take off and disappear he expects me to be around. At least, that's how it feels.

What you say about his dad makes a lot of sense. I'm not sure how to check, but I'd be willing to bet a lot of money that his dad is still around.

 

[DharmaGirl]

My brother was the nicest person you could meet when he was sober. I told him to call me only when he was sober. He didn't call for a long time. He moved in with me and was sober for about 6 months.