Relationship Advice Needed For Supporter In Relationship

[Newtoptsd]

Good for you! I've been with my combat vet for a while, and I can tell you, its really amazing how muc...

This is really reassuring, a lot of the time I find myself in an emotional slump because of how worried about him I am. When I see him in a bad way I have to put on a stronger exterior so I don't panic him more or make him worse which I find really hard because my heart breaks. I am also learning to deal with my own anxiety at the moment which is why I'm using this week as a week to do things with friends and see old colleagues.

I do wish I could see him all the time but I know this is not healthy and he needs to work out normality for himself after rehabilitation and I know I can't smother him. This is when my anxiety spikes as I start to overthink everything and whether he will push me away again etc.

Basically, I am learning to cope with all these different emotions and feeling of both himself and me which is worse as this is a very new relationship so trying to find our feet in that respect is making it a lot more to handle/take on.

x

 

[RaeMason]

A huge lesson I have learned with my Vet is that it is really really hard for them to open up. Early in our relationship I could tell something was wrong but when I would ask he would say he was fine. I would get frustrated and take it personally or think that whatever was bothering him had to do with me. So I would get mad and push for him to tell me what was wrong, and then he would get angry and overwhelmed and we would get into aweful arguments. Then, hours or sometimes days later he would actually talk to me. A lot of the time what was bothering him was a night terror he had, or even him explaining how he got anxiety at the grocery store because there was too many people around him.
Veterans have a hard time expressing emotion or what they are thinking because they don't think anyone will understand. They feel really isolated. It took me a LONG time but now I know when he says he's fine, and I know he's not, even though I'm worried I HAVE to let it go. He will open up when he is ready. And when he does most of the time I just listen. But its such a huge deal when they finally feel like they can trust you and open up to you.
You can't push it though, pushing makes it so much worse, patience is key. We're not perfect, I still struggle with it. Its a hard lesson for you and your vet to learn

 

[RaeMason]

Hi Newtoptsd,

My situation is very similar to yours. When I met my boyfriend, he agreed to b...

A lot of him saying "it doesn't matter what I want", being "disillusioned" and being afraid of commitment doesn't necessarily have to do with you and your relationship with him. My vet told me once that he didn't feel like he deserved love or a future because of the things he's seen and done in combat.
It really really sucks, because out of all the people on the planet they deserve it the MOST. We will never understand what they went through. It really is just taking it one day at a time and just doing everything we can to shower them with love.
Omg reassurance. I can't tell you how important that is, even if I tell him I love him 20 times a day he will still ask if I love him. Reassurance (as honestly as annoying as it can be some days) is huge.

 

[Newtoptsd]

A lot of him saying "it doesn't matter what I want", being "disillusioned" and being afraid of commitm...

Hi Rae,

I agree with you on the above to @questionsaboutrel ... one thing I am scared of is telling him I love him in case he panics and pushed me away again. It really is a constant treading on egg shells situation, I'm wary not to ask too much from him in terms of seeing me and committing in case he panics and runs but then I'm scared if I don't ring/call and see him he will think I don't care. As I said he often says he can't give me what I want and I'm a lovely girl but it's not fair on me.

It's currently a one day at a time situation, he's moved back in with his mum and is planning to move to a different place in January (not massively far from me) so for the moment it's a sit tight and wait and see. I need to let him get his life on track and figure things out before he can consider having a committed relationship and even then it might not be me he want's one with.

Needing some reassurance today, wish I could look into the future to see how everything pans out!

x

 

[Buttercup]

Hi Rae,

I agree with you on the above to @questionsaboutrel ... one thing I am sc...

One way of reassurance without asking for anything or showing any need, is to just text now and then...maybe even daily (this is me because in my situation I just want to connect with him because I miss him. The frequency is probably very dependent on both of you) to share your day and to let him know you're there if he needs you and you're thinking of him. An example is to say what's going on with you or something about your day that is not heavy at all. Just like you would text a friend something light. It should be real and authentic for you. I might text something about work or a friend.

This is where I am now. Trying not to stress that he will think I don't care and then disappear, but also because I genuinely want to communicate with him but also not add any extra stress. I do think it's important that they know you're there for them.

 

[questionsaboutrel]

One way of reassurance without asking for anything or showing any need, is to just text now and then...mayb...

This is a great strategy. I really like your emphasis on not texting about something heavy.

I try to think about "safe topics" to text my guy when I am unsure whether he wants to continue speaking that both A) Indicate my interest and B) don't put too much on him to explain himself or open up. Things like his football team and his dog - subjects that are somewhat detached from his emotional state and that he can chatter on about even if he is feeling crummy, but that indicate that I know and care about him (and his interests) as a unique person. I'm sure that if I felt the way that my sufferer felt all the time, someone constantly asking, "How are you feeling? Are you feeling better?" would be very frustrating. Of course, as a supporter, we all know it's frustrating to feel like we're hanging on waiting for updates or for them to come to us :)

 

[Buttercup]

This is a great strategy. I really like your emphasis on not texting about something heavy....

I agree with everything you wrote . Especially the frustrated part! :)

 

[Newtoptsd]

@tlc @questionsaboutrel

Thank you both, I have been taking this approach the past few days, just one txt here and there, usually a picture of something funny or a link to a funny video. Whether it will have brought about a smile or not I'm not sure but I do get a nice response of 'haha x' etc.

I struggled this weekend as I had no plans which created space for me to over-think. Currently packing more activities into this week to keep my mind busy so I am concentrating on me. Booked myself onto a yoga class for meditation as well which I'm looking forward to. I'm also onto my third research book 'Once a warrior always a warrior' .... does anyone else feel like they may have to re-read these books again and again? Mainly so I don't forget all rationale when reacting to certain behaviors.

Thanks so much for your advice and support everyone x

 

[Buttercup]

@tlc @questionsaboutrel

Thank you both, I have been taking th...

The response is a good indication that you're reaching him and not adding any stress. at least that's how I would take it in my situation.

The overthinking is the worst thing and THE thing I have to watch out for. if I'm not busy and spend too much time analyzing and thinking, that's when I get very upset. it's not good for us. you're doing the right thing.