Clarification Please

[Dragonfly-Dawn]

Hello everyone, I am sending you all positive vibes!

I hear a lot of talk about 'parts' and I am trying to better understand. I feel like I have 'parts' of me that are separate from other 'parts'. I also feel like sometimes something triggers me and I will have a 'part' take over or handle the situation. Now I do not have a diagnosis of Dissociative Identity Disorder. I have this 'part' that is writing to you all now and I am fairly aware of what takes place when the other 'parts' take over. However I do feel like what happens when those 'parts' take over isn't real or it is a dream more than reality, even though it is reality. Those 'parts' however have no clue we are no longer in the scary environment and that I am no longer the same person as I was when those Trauma's occurred.
Now my therapist does not think I have DID, and I am inclined to believe him.. at least I hope he is right.
However he also doesn't dispute or disagree with the fact that I do have 'parts' that act differently and are very separated.
I know all of this goes on a continuum with one end being like a daydream, or highway driving and not remembering the drive and the other end being DID. I am just trying to better understand where I am at and everyone here always has such great insights that help bring clarification.
So if you don't mind sharing your experiences or giving me insights that can help me better understand and make it easier to explain to my therapist, than I would be very grateful. It would also do me some good to be able to relate to another's experience because I find this topic hard to understand within myself and I am hoping I am not alone.

Thank you for reading,
-Dawn

 

[Ronin]

Is it necessary to explain as a parts problem?

Just thinking explaining it to a therapist may be doable as different levels of lucidity, modes, states of being, than getting tangled in 'parts' question if that isn't the most relevant issue.

It would be different if you were positive about parts acting independently, but it seems to me what you're struggling with more is derealization, lucidity, awareness of current surroundings, time fugue issues - all quite relevant to be addressed, but thinking of it as 'parts' where that isn't the main problem could be bit hijacking therapy in ways that aren't needed.

So perhaps ask more about feeling frozen in time of the trauma & current time feeling dreamlike?

 

[Suzetig]

It's fairly normal to have different parts of ourselves that are more to the fore at some times more than others. For example, the part of me I show to work colleagues is very different to the "me" that my husband sees. Not different identities but different facets of my own personality .

I know I also have parts of me that feel very young, and a bit overwhelmed, when my trauma is triggered in some way. I'm aware of it and on some level know it's me but I don't feel very in control of it. I'm not DID at all but it would be easy enough to almost think myself into it, or be persuaded into it by a T who liked a challenge.

I do dissociate but in a more "standing outside my body" way, which is different to having distinct identities.

Anyway, what your describing sounds fairly normal in the scheme of things and like @Ronin, if it's not the main issue, I wouldn't focus too much on it. I do talk to me T in terms of "part of me thinks x, another part of he thinks y" and she gets it. Reading about the concept of configurations of self helped me find a way of framing my sense of self without pathologising it.

 

[Dragonfly-Dawn]

Thank you both for your replies! :)

I do have a fairly big issue with one 'part' of me. I do not feel like she is me at all. And please let me try my best to explain to the best of my ability.

I have a part that is named. My abuser when I was little said I was adopted and that my real name was ___. That was not true at all. But since I was little if I was in a dangerous situation I would tell myself that I wasn't myself, I was her. However my abuser really tried developing this part of me. And she developed this habit of taking on traits of my abuser. She dislikes me and I don't feel like she is me. I feel like she is my abuser stuck in my head. However when I get into situations like having sex or other certain things, she takes over and I experience being in the background not really there.
This is an issue for me because I would like to feel in control of my sexual relationships. So I am just trying to get a gauge in what this is for me and if it's something I need to address or if things will just ... come together... if that makes sense...

Goodness, I am sorry if that doesn't make sense. I am just putting it out there to attempt to make sense of it. My therapist is aware of all of this.

Thank you again so much for helping me with some insight, it's greatly appreciated. :)

 

[Ronin]

I am sorry if that doesn't make sense.

It does make sense, no worries. :) Lot of it.

I have a different question first, can you work on your sense of control even when your control's hijacked by her?

I mean, that doesn't have to be dependent on each other; keeping own sense of boundaries & keeping own sense of life belonging to one person is doable even when there's considerable missing bits & not all in that life is within own control. Similar in that respect to relations with outside people: you can keep your cool even if they do their shenanigans, which doesn't mean it won't influence you and that it isn't troublesome.

& What could get her to see you're actually pretty likable? & That she's also better off if she cooperates with you?
Maybe I'd start there: seeing cooperating with you has many benefits, and for her personally, until there's a sense of team play if not unity for both of you.

 

[Dragonfly-Dawn]

I have a different question first, can you work on your sense of control even when your control's hijacked by her?

I like this question and concept. Let me see if I am understanding what you are asking.

Basically I could attempt to control some things such as, I don't know... maybe who I have sex with and acknowledge that I made that decision and choice therefor allowing me to take back some control in the situation? Even if during sex she hijacks it and takes over, I still adopted a point of view that allows me some control? am I understanding what you were trying to ask? I think if I am understanding correctly, than I really like this advice and insight because I have yet to try and gain back some control so I can see how this would be helpful for me. Thank you.

I have tried what you suggested above about getting her see that I am not that unlikeable and that things would be better if we cooperated together but so far its not making any headway. However I have not stopped trying. :)

Thank you again! I loved your question and insight into it, even if I am misinterpreting... its got me thinking about possible ways to handle it.

 

[Ronin]

acknowledge that I made that decision and choice therefor allowing me to take back some control in the situation?

You do understand what I'm saying yes.

Although, to D.I.D. & autonomy issues being tad complicated with that condition, I'd probably go more the route of 'Okay, someone has made a bad decision for me, now I'm going with what I can do with that and straightening the mess out.' In the beginning, at least, because forcing yourself to adopt it as your decision, where your brain already made it clear some lines are separate and it wasn't you as the same personality, could mess with your sense of who you are worse // not advisable.

(Ack English. It's bit lacking, compared to more relational languages where it's easier to distinguish 'we, as in me and someone without you', 'we, more me than you', 'we, as in me and you on a tight leash', things like that. Would come handy, 'we made a bad decision that I didn't make.')

 

[Dragonfly-Dawn]

Awesome! I am happy that I was understanding correctly.

I can see how that would be not advisable to confuse myself more based on forcing myself to adopt it as my decision when my brain has made that line and caused me to feel like it wasn't me.
I agree, I may approach it in such a manner as "We made a bad decision that I didnt make". It would allow me to form some level ground for us and uniting her and I. however refraining from forcing myself to adopt the view that it was completely within my control and was not hijacked when my brain believes it was.

I greatly appreciate your help with this matter. Even someone just saying that it makes sense is a huge relief. I am very thankful. :)

 

[Ronin]

You're welcome @Dragonfly-Dawn :)