Hey everyone! If this isn't in the right place I apologize in advance!
I feel like I have two sides of myself right now. The first side is my anxious side. I don't really identify my anxiety as anxiety I guess. It's more like a heightened awareness of possible dangers and threats around me, and the general understanding that everyone around me is working with their own self interest at heart, and that while they are being nice to me because we are all friends, I can't fully trust what they're doing and that it won't come around to affect me negatively and them positively. I guess you could call it Hypervigilance.
The other side of me is trying to find some kind of peace though. I really enjoy that part of myself. It tells me that not everything is always going to be so life and death, and that as of now it isn't life and death, that I can trust the people around me, that they aren't all out to get me, and I can have normal, healthy relationships. I'm currently getting closer to this guy, so I think a lot of this side of myself comes from wanting to have a normal, PTSD free relationship with him, although I don't think that's going to happen.
When I allow the second side to come out, it is a great feeling. I know enough about myself to know that this side is what I need to work towards, because this side feels healthy and normal. The first side has been who's been running the show for 15+ years now, and it feels a betrayal to that side and everything I've learned(how to survive in a narcissistic home,) to just feel normal. It feels like I'm letting go of a huge part of myself, my childhood experiences are what shaped me into who I am today, and I don't want to just be fine and pretend that didn't exist.
I guess my question is has anyone else experienced something like this? If so how do you reconcile the two? I feel as if the second side of myself is who I would've turned out to be if I wasn't abused growing up, and like I said I love being her and feeling what she feels like, but I have no desire to just forget everything I learned growing up.
I feel like I have two sides of myself right now. The first side is my anxious side. I don't really identify my anxiety as anxiety I guess. It's more like a heightened awareness of possible dangers and threats around me, and the general understanding that everyone around me is working with their own self interest at heart, and that while they are being nice to me because we are all friends, I can't fully trust what they're doing and that it won't come around to affect me negatively and them positively. I guess you could call it Hypervigilance.
The other side of me is trying to find some kind of peace though. I really enjoy that part of myself. It tells me that not everything is always going to be so life and death, and that as of now it isn't life and death, that I can trust the people around me, that they aren't all out to get me, and I can have normal, healthy relationships. I'm currently getting closer to this guy, so I think a lot of this side of myself comes from wanting to have a normal, PTSD free relationship with him, although I don't think that's going to happen.
When I allow the second side to come out, it is a great feeling. I know enough about myself to know that this side is what I need to work towards, because this side feels healthy and normal. The first side has been who's been running the show for 15+ years now, and it feels a betrayal to that side and everything I've learned(how to survive in a narcissistic home,) to just feel normal. It feels like I'm letting go of a huge part of myself, my childhood experiences are what shaped me into who I am today, and I don't want to just be fine and pretend that didn't exist.
I guess my question is has anyone else experienced something like this? If so how do you reconcile the two? I feel as if the second side of myself is who I would've turned out to be if I wasn't abused growing up, and like I said I love being her and feeling what she feels like, but I have no desire to just forget everything I learned growing up.
