Sufferer New To The Forum

[saraemerald]

I am still in a whole lot of pain. I still can't believe ALL of the abuse I have endured over the y...

So all I want from this forum is to be able to better understand what the @#$& is wrong with me. I used to be a positive person idealistic about my future and always enjoyed being the best person I could be despite my past. I was always very careful in making good decisions in my life so I could have a successful life and then I ruined it.
Also, my therapist is helping me with this, I want to feel my actual feelings and truly grieve my past.
Ever since I started sabotaging my life about five years ago, I am 31 now, I have felt insecure and immature. I don't ever remember feeling this bad before. Yeah, I felt insecure and such when I was younger, but then I knew where it was coming my and I did my part to realize it and address it. But never this, how I feel now. It is so confusing to me. The only thing I can think of is, I got sick and tired of always knowing how to be mature and think positively about my situation or feelings or PTSD and move past it. And yes, I know how to make good decisions and be a good person. I used to be scared that if I didn't become aware at all times of trying to make good decision, that I would end up making very bad mistakes and end up dysfunctional like my parents. So I think some people around me saw me as goody two shoes or something but they didn't realize I was terrified I would make mistakes and draw away from the Jehovah's Witness organization (Jehovah's witnesses are constantly being warned that Satan is on the prowl and there are many temptations that can lead us away from the organization). I also came from a very strict and abusive family. My dad was constantly yelling at me for the smallest mistakes and things that weren't even mistakes, all the time, every day, making me feel like a screw up even when I wasn't doing anything wrong, so I was scared of doing anything anyways. I want to scream and cry right now because typing this out is bringing up so many memories.
I was scared ALL OF THE TIME to do anything for fear of being abused by mom or dad, or being made fun of by kids at school or having my childhood best friend gossip about me or my family to the other kids in the congregation or doing something wrong according to the religion. I was also embarrassed about being a Jehovah's Witness growing up in school because I felt so different from the other kids and I wasn't allowed to be friends with any of my classmates growing up because of the religion. Everyone outside of the religion was considered "worldly". I wish I could tell the world how badly the organization controls us. And when you leave, you get ostracized by your family and friends still in because you are suddenly bad association.
Anyways because of all this, when I was a teen and still home and when I left home at age 18, all I focused on was trying to be as normal of a person as possible because I was soo scared of being messed up. I loved everyone around me and tried to be the best person I could be and to always keep the f%&ing peace even when I saw people doing things they should have. I saw so much bad behavior by so many adults around me that were claiming they were good Jehovah's Witnesses in good standing in the organization but I sadly stuck with it until I was about 26 and then I started leaving but still believed it was the truth and thought something was wrong with me.

 

[aut555]

First of all, it's remarkable you left. That's another thing to be proud of. A lot of people leave churches when they found how corrupt the people can be running these churches. Not every church is like this, people do prey on people even in church. You are human, you make mistakes, you have to accept and love your good and your bad sides of you. Many people do things they regret, but you just move on. It's sounds like you are pretty disgusted with the human race right now. Lol, l am in the same boat as you. I am pretty disgusted with the people on this planet. But l know to continue on and keep boundaries in place and limit my exposure to toxic people. You don't have to welcome everyone in your life, you don't need to accept people and their issues, that's called boundaries which you now realize you need to have in place, because people are going to let you down right now. How about concentrating on you and what you want to do to get you out of this funk. I get that you feel like life is passing you by, but you can still stand up and take back the control. You can start by doing something you have never done, something to wake up your inner self, and let go of your anger and disappointment. It's good you are angry and you are acknowledging it, but now you need to get a plan in place of how to make your life better. This could be a move, a new career, new hobby, traveling, volunteer work, class of something you always wanted to do. What l am saying is, you need to change your focus and try try try to find something to be passionate about to let go of the hurt and betrayal that you feel. What do you think about this?

 

[saraemerald]

I am not trying to be negative right now, but all things you have suggested, I have already tried from an early age. To be positive and be a Pollyanna and look at the bright side of anything that ever happened to me and when I did that, many people around me were hurtful and negative while alI I tried to be was positive. So then I felt lonely in my endeavors and I also felt like I had to be the strong one to encourage those that have been put down by the negative people and I always had to be the strong one to encourage people and to uplift them when they were going through hard times. I always wanted someone to be strong enough to be there for me. I always knew how to be there for me when that was not possible AND to encourage others who didn't have anyone to be strong for them but WHAT THE F@#$!!!
Do I have to listen to and be strong for EVERYONE ELSE!!! Ugghhh!

 

[saraemerald]

I am not trying to be negative right now, but all things you have suggested, I have already tried f...

I just learned today, that a third person I knew from my religion committed suicide.

 

[aut555]

I just learned today, that a third person I knew from my religion committed
suicide.

Sad, so sorry. That's great that you try things but life is a cycle. We keep trying things at all ages. I am sorry you feel nobody is there for you. I don't know you, but l am trying to be here for you to grieve and be upset right now. It's ok, just let the anger out. Holding this in is no good. Bitch about whatever you need to. Ok?

 

[aut555]

And l am glad you are at this forum, and still staying strong despite all the crap you have been handed in life. You are tough, don't worry about other people, take care of you!

 

[saraemerald]

And l am glad you are at this forum, and still staying strong despite all the crap you have been handed...

Thank you @aut555

 

[Paco]

I am currently going through an extremely hard time in my life and would love to connect to others...

I feel similiar and I dont feel as alone reading this