I Might Be The Token Disabled Friend In A Group...

[Justmehere]

I have a group of friends that I connect with fairly regularly. We know each other through a religious/spiritual organization, and we connect up socially outside of the organization 1-3 times a week.

I started to feel like I was the token disabled friend recently. Like maybe that's what I have always been, but I didn't see it before...

Only one person knows about my PTSD symptoms, but the rest know I don't drive due to a physical health problem. I still climb mountains, so it doesn't hold me back much. I do have a service dog, so they all know I have a disability of some kind, even if they don't know I have PTSD. We don't talk much about it, I prefer not to talk about it. They love my dog...

But I don't think they really like me. Not really. I don't know how to explain it, but I can't shake this strong sense that I'm just the token disabled "friend."

There have been new folks who move into town and join us from time to time, and I love that. I watch the way they interact with each other, and with the new folks. They invite each other for coffee and the like, but I don't really get invited. The few times I ask folks if they want to go get coffee, they are too busy, like perpetually. I've asked two of them if there is something I do, if it's me, and they say no, just too busy. But then 10 minutes later they are inviting someone else to coffee right in front of me. So. Ya know....

I've known these folks for a couple of years. None of this is new, but I think I just realized, wait, this actually doesn't feel ok.

Recently they encouraged me to follow through on an idea I have about launching a network between different organizations of various types in the county. When I delayed, they asked, when are you going to start that? I'd love to do it. They even proof read my intro to the site. People in this circle of friends said they would love to join a group like that. It's just a social media page to communicate between groups. There's no commitment no fee no anything. I started it, and other people joined without knowing me... but the people who knew me and encouraged me... none of them joined. Not a single one. They got the same invites and there has been no response for some time.

I know I should not assume why they didn't, and maybe just ask why, but I wouldn't even know what to say. I'm still running the network, and maybe I'll meet new people eventually through it...

But suddenly, I feel like maybe I wasn't even a real friend to these folks, but the token disabled person that yeah, they will say good things to, but they don't really want to be around like they do with each other.

And none of this is new. It's not like things suddenly shifted. This is how they have always been. It's been ok in the past. Now, it's suddenly not ok. I don't care about the network, I don't care about coffee.

I care that maybe I'm the identified patient of this group somehow, that they see the dog, see the person they are not supposed to reject being a religious/spiritual group, so they keep me around, but they don't really want me around. Not really.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

Hi! I am sorry about your "friends"....they sound kind of shallow.

You say that you get together 1-3 times a week,...for a religious/spiritual connection. I experienced something similar, I think.

I belonged to a church that had a lot of cliques (clicks?) where certain people were related, or had been together for MANY years. They were always friendly, to a point, but only at church, and then only when I was face-to-face with them.

They would say the "right words"..."love ya",
"missed ya", or "how are you?" without really "tuning in" for my answer. They would walk past me, not even acknowledging me, as they went to be with "their people."

I was in the choir (there were only one or two other high sopranos) and I was needed to sing...and if I wasn't there, they would say they missed me. But, when I WAS there, no one would even greet me or make eye contact. There was all kinds of "chatter" around me, but rarely TO me.

I hadn't hid "who" I was...admitting that I struggle with depression and anxiety...
never mentioned PTSD.

In the religious community, those problems are considered to occur because of a lack of faith, not reading the Bible enough, not praying enough...EXTREMELY looked down upon, or at least they don't know what to say, or what to "do" with me.

It took me a while to realize that it wasn't ME, it was THEM! I simply didn't "fit" into their "mold" of how to "act like a Christian."

When I finally left, for good, there was not even a WORD or phone call. I did visit a time or two, and got the cold shoulder, and the same thing happened at a wedding for a couple that we all had in common.

What I am trying to say, is that quite possibly, your "friends" are fake...to the core. Relating to you would mean being REAL.

I think it's more likely that you will find a better "fit" with your network, because those people are more likely to be honest and REAL.

I have met SUPER AWESOME people HERE, and one of my DEAREST FRIENDS, I met in an online support group a LONG time ago. I have even flown out to California to stay with her and her family 4 times over TEN years.

What I am trying to say, is that the people you are associating with, VERY POSSIBLY, are really shallow, and don't find a reason to invite anyone else into their circle.:cautious: It really sounds like they are snobs.

I hope this makes sense!:hug:

PLEASE, try not to assume that it's you? I KNOW that is more than difficult...but it is definitely worth giving thought to my suggestion?

Blessings of Peace sent your way!
AKJ

 

[Friday]

Maybe.

Maybe also you've just outgrown them? They were what you used to want & need in friends, (the distance that irks you now what allowed you to become friends in the first place?), but now your needs and wants are changing and those relationships are fixed / static?

 

[Deleted member 541]

All I can say is...... Sometimes people suck!!!! :hug: If accepted.

 

[Justmehere]

In the religious community, those problems are considered to occur because of a lack of faith, not reading the Bible enough, not praying enough...EXTREMELY looked down upon, or at least they don't know what to say, or what to "do" with me.

It took me a while to realize that it wasn't ME, it was THEM! I simply didn't "fit" into their "mold" of how to "act like a Christian."

Ugh. I am so sorry you had to deal with that. it would drive me bonkers and I'd feel awful.

For me, with this group of friends, one of them struggles with mental illness, and another has a schizophrenic brother - and they happen to not subscribe to not being enough. But I did get involved with a previous organization years ago, who told me I only had PTSD because I didn't obey enough. I ran from this so fast! I have seen if hurt a couple of people.

When I finally left, for good, there was not even a WORD or phone call. I did visit a time or two, and got the cold shoulder, and the same thing happened at a wedding for a couple that we all had in common.

That feeling of being the outsider, so hard. Especially with familiar people! :( :hug: Your out of state friend sounds amazing! I want to believe this weirdness is more about them than me. Thanks for your kind words. :)

Maybe also you've just outgrown them? They were what you used to want & need in friends, (the distance that irks you now what allowed you to become friends in the first place?), but now your needs and wants are changing and those relationships are fixed / static?

I think this could be it! That distance was helpful in the past, it allowed me to connect without being overwhelmed. Now? I want to be closer, but they are comfortable with the distance... and it isn't changing. Time to find people who might be willing to be closer friends... if they can be found... Thanks for the good insight!

All I can say is...... Sometimes people suck!!!! :hug: If accepted.

So true! Thanks for the hugs!

 

[hodge]

As I was reading your post, I was getting the same kind of sense that @Friday expressed. As you said, this kind of behavior isn't new for them, but that you are newly much more aware of it and stung by it -- and very understandably so.

I have made very few lasting friends in churches, even though I also got really involved. I found people at the most recent church I was a member of (here in the town I live in now) to be very cliquey and have been treated similarly, though I never even got to the point of socializing with them as you have. For a short time we had a "Social Concerns" group, spurred by a meeting I had with our priest. One thing we did was to plan a Christmas dinner for people in town who didn't have family around, etc. My husband and I went and were basically ignored out of the kitchen, in spite of being openly friendly and asking what we could do. Finally, someone said, you could just go sit down and talk with people. Which was fine, though it stung, but also a clear message that they were a closed group and were not interested in welcoming new people. And this was before I had PTSD, so that wasn't even an issue.

Are the people in this group long-time friends with each other? Are most of them perhaps from the same town, never having moved away and lived anywhere different for awhile, limited personal experience of the wider world? Those could all be factors, too. I'm sure they are in my case here, anyway. Because, actually, hmm . . . I'm from Detroit, one best friend is from England, hubby spent 25 years in Chicago, two other good friends are from South Carolina, and another has always lived here, but is extremely curious, well-read and caring about the larger world. Hmm, maybe you need to find an "ex-pat" community? (Lol.)

Personally, I think a closed group of friends is not one I would want to be part of. I cherish making new friends and including them among my older friends, as we did on our Thanksgiving last Saturday.

Hope this helps you feel not so alone :hug:s.

 

[Justmehere]

As you said, this kind of behavior isn't new for them, but that you are newly much more aware of it and stung by it -- and very understandably so.

Yeah, it's not at all a new shift for them. I've just become suddenly rather not ok with it.

That clique church you were are a part of sounds painful. In my old church, it was much like that. I kept asking where to get involved, where to help, etc. I was totally just on the outside there.

This group of friends, they are not a very cliquey group of people... I don't know. Maybe they are? That's what has got me very confused and baffled. I watch them welcome new people into the group all the time, and grow close to them. Not everyone grows close to everyone else, but they all connect to at least a couple people closely - or at least they hang out with each other socially outside of formal events. And they don't just welcome people and grow tired of them. If someone new or old is gone for awhile, they will reach out and etc. Some have been friends for a few years, but it's a really varied group. I live in a college town, so people come and go all the time... But they still develop some continuity here, and said I was welcome to come. Gosh, that felt weird the way they said it then and now. But a fair percentage have lived in other nations, and almost all have lived in other cities and states.

Me? I'm almost jealous. I think I did a good job of holding them at a distance and all attempts to grow closer just fall flat. Sometimes I think I get so overly friendly, maybe now I'm confusing everyone...

I'm from Detroit, one best friend is from England, hubby spent 25 years in Chicago, two other good friends are from South Carolina, and another has always lived here, but is extremely curious, well-read and caring about the larger world. Hmm, maybe you need to find an "ex-pat" community? (Lol.)

Actually, you might be on to something. The international grad students are easiest for me to connect with! Oh, if only they could stay...

Hope this helps you feel not so alone :hug:s.

It does!

 

[Abstract]

A good approach is to sometimes think of how you really feel about them. Do you feel, connection, closeness and personal interest in them? How much do you have in common?

I think the comment about closeness and distance is very good! I know I have been in that situation to an extent more recently. Except I'm not really yet capable of connecting - in truth. I have thought that not only did I surround myself with people who created distance but I also possibly sent out signals that taught people to keep their distance. I'm trying to change that but its difficult. Not saying you have done that of course.

From some of the things you mention though I do wonder if this has anything to do with disability. Do you think that part could be a projection? Since some of them have connections to disability themselves,

It all sounds painful and I hope you find something that you deserve rather than staying in this dynamic.