Relationship When To Say When?

[Deleted member 38137]

I've been dating a former Marine and Iraqi war combat Vet for 4 months. At first, he was very attentive...calling, texting, spending hours on the phone. I stayed with him for 2 weeks and played house (at his request) and last Friday he told me to go home and I haven't seen him since. We've spoken on the phone and texted but he is in and out emotionally. Every time I tell him that this hot/cold relationship isn't working for me, he acts all hurt and reels me back in. Only to do lovely things like tell me he needs his "me" time and ignore my texts and calls. Lately, he's been letting his phone die as well. So I know he's not just blowing me off. He's blowing the world off too. This worries the hell out of me.
I have tried to convey my feeling and expectations - to no avail. I know probably deep down he's into me (kissing me on the forehead when he thinks I'm sleeping, telling me to come sit with him, cooking dinner for me after work) but soon as it look like our relationship is moving forward, he pulls back. Hard.
He does other odd things as well. He's obsessed with all things politics and watches endless hours of YouTube videos that generally end in some type of debate or screaming - think Clinton supporters that are protesting and CNN clips featuring Kevin Jackson and radical liberal of the day yelling at each other. He's also obsessed with things of a sexual nature. I often look over at the computer and he's on the porn pages of Tumbler. That doesn't really bother me because he's a guy and sexual in nature. But the constant negativity in his other viewing material does.
He is never stereotypically mean to me. He doesn't swear at me and I'm not afraid of him at all. He doesn't drink or do drugs besides pain medication from the VA for combat injuries. But the emotional abuse I go through with the mental withdrawal and coming back is killing me. He has many good qualities but I cannot take his rejection. I feel sorry for him and want to be there, but after the initial few days of him being enamored by me, he will treat me like he doesn't know me. I always get the feeling that he doesn't get how his actions affect others. Or if he does, he doesn't care. I'm assuming because caring hurts.
Can anybody give me any direction as to what to expect and how to handle this? I don't want to break up with him, but I feel like he is forcing my hand.

 

[Newtoptsd]

I've been dating a former Marine and Iraqi war combat Vet for 4 months. At first, he was v...

Hi There,

I have been dating my combat vet for 4 months as well, I can empathize with how you're feeling however if you can't deal with the hot and cold nature of this relationship then dating someone with PTSD is really not for you. I am still new to PTSD myself so please do not take me for an expert however what I do know is that blowing hot and cold will most probably be a constant part of your life with your combat vet. You can either learn how to cope with it or let him go ... letting him go if you can't handle it is honestly best for you both.

1. When you can't cope/handle situations then that reflects on him and adds more stress to all the other stress that's going on in his head (look at the PTSD stress cup explanation). Even good stress is still a form of stress.

2. When your vet is going through his cold/isolation phases I suggest you think less about how he is hurting you and concentrate on you yourself. DO NOT take these phases personally, more often then not they need time out to get their thoughts in order before they can refocus on anything else. I plan loads of things during the week with friends and I also exercise a whole lot more in the past 4 months ... friends are commenting on how good I'm looking which is honestly boosting me up. When I do see my SO I am happy and he can see and sense I'm happy which makes him radiate a bit more happiness, as soon as you show you're upset with him and in yourself they pull away more because they know it's them that's causing you this pain.

3. From my experience he definitely cares about you and that's whats enforcing his behavior, he does not want to hurt you or anyone around him when he isn't feeling right so they shut off. My vet has tried to end it several times, often telling me I deserve better and I should be with someone who's not mentally Ill, I always tell him I don't bloody want to and I'm in it for the long run.

4. I can't comment on his tendencies regarding watching habits, however my vet also likes to watch question time and political programmes ... maybe it's just a thing.

5. I honestly really really recommend buying books and reading up on PTSD, I've read 'The post-traumatic stress disorder relationship' 'When someone you love suffers from PTSD' and I'm currently reading 'Once a warrior always a warrior' ... this last one is really good as it's specific to combat and I'm understanding more and more about reactions and the everlasting effects of war.

I am always here if you need to reach out, it's always nice to see someone who's in the newly dating phase the same as me. The best piece of advice you can take is to look after yourself x

 

[Deleted member 38137]

Hi There,

I have been dating my combat vet for 4 months as well, I can empathize with how you're fee...

Thank you so much for your input. Sometimes he's got me feeling like I'm a needy attention whore. But I work fifty hours a week, have two adult children and a grandson on the way. Literally, if I see him, it's for no more than 2-3 hours even if I'm staying the night with him. I'm tired. I go to bed. Lol.

I truly don't know if this is the right kind of relationship for me. The few times we have gone out, he generally wants to go home in a short time. Especially if it's a louder place. Not that I mind staying around the house a lot, but once in a while I would like to go somewhere.

Then add on the screaming liberal videos when I'm sleeping, the obsession with topics that interest him so much he won't leave the house and then don't forget the Vicodin withdrawals because the VA is so on time with his medications.

Personality wise, I love him. He's funny. He's intelligent. He's goofy. But then this black cloud takes over and you cannot get him out of it. Likewise, I'm codependent so his rejection leaves me feeling awful.

I don't know. It's a tough spot to be in.

 

[Newtoptsd]

Thank you so much for your input. Sometimes he's got me feeling like I'm a needy attention...

Being in a relationship with someone with PTSD is just a constant roller coaster and you have to be prepared for that. When I started dating my vet we went out a fair bit, our first date was a drinking date which was hilarious, we went for dinner quite a lot etc. then it started spiraling downhill slightly, staying in more and going out less. This is how I figured he wasn't doing very well, in order to get him out I would suggest going on a run together etc. which seemed to work. Because I bloody like this guy I was happy to take the dip in social activities and be patient. I now only see him once a week and last week he came on a movie date which was so so nice. I cherish the good times and the times where he does want to do something but I also respect the times where he wants to hole himself up and stare at 4 walls.

In PTSD it is common to not want to go out in public for fear of triggering, this might be something you have to take a relaxed viewpoint on until he is in a better place?

As people have mentioned on here before, setting boundaries is often a good shout? This isn't something I have had to massively enforce myself and he rarely does things which severely annoy me - maybe I am more relaxed than I thought. You can set your own boundaries with him as to what you are and are not willing to put up with and he can either respect it or you can choose to walk?

That black cloud you speak of is the PTSD don't let that tarnish the person you love personality wise. Is he in therapy? All I can say in finding the right therapist and getting them to talk to someone is the golden nugget. PTSD won't go away but finding ways to cope with stress and triggers takes time and patience but it can happen and will happen with the right support and therapy.

If you are very dependent on needing someone to be there emotionally and physically for you then dating someone with PTSD is not the way forward. You need to take a long hard think about investing anymore into this relationship? I would honestly recommend reading 'once a warrior, always a warrior' it really does give you a tiny bit of an insight into how their brain functions after war and why they may act and do things the way they do x

 

[Deleted member 38137]

Being in a relationship with someone with PTSD is just a constant roller coaster and you have to be p...

Yes, well unfortunately, he is not in therapy at this time. He's in school full time and like I said, he seems to have an aversion to leaving the house. He's also had some health issues that it was suggested to him that he not drive. He's on Vicodin all day long as I previously stated and he's also on Lyrica. That's not a good drug to drive on either. So basically, he doesn't have time and/or easy access to get to the therapy. Plus a big part of him also is in denial. He thinks he's got "mild" PTSD. Which I guess in some respects he does. He never screams in the middle of the night nor does he ever get physically abusive and he doesn't abuse alcohol or drugs that I can see. But I think the hermit thing is kind of a sign that his PTSD is more severe than he's letting on. Same with the obsessive/compulsive disorder. Is that a hallmark of PTSD as well? I can't really find anything about that besides the hypersexuality. He does have a touch of that. But again, it seems to be more in voyeurism than practice lately.

The hardest thing about all of this is that I'm currently going to counseling for being a codependent and my relationship with him is pretty much against everything they are telling me. The ideal me is that I stop care giving and let someone take care of me. Unfortunately, that will never happen with him unless he gets help. And then I know it's only a maybe. I don't think that this relationship can be healthy if he doesn't seek help. And it makes me sad. :(

 

[Newtoptsd]

I can't say that I know if OCD is related or not, I don't think so I think that might just be an added diagnosis on top of PTSD. It sounds like he's probably struggling because of his health issues and being unable to drive. This is one of those situations that is not going to get better over night, he has to work things out for himself. It's up to you to decide whether you want to stick it out or not?

It is hard for you if you're also a codependent, he won't always be available for you to lean on and even if he is at some point there is no guarantee he will be in the future. PTSD sufferers often go through peaks and troughs, one day they could be great and then the next they need space. He should definitely seek help, is there anyone who could offer to drive him to therapy etc.?

My vet weaned himself off anti-depressants and sleeping pills and he is doing so much better now he seeks therapy here and there and sometimes checks himself into rehabilitation. The problem is you can't force someone to get help, they have to do it for themselves, you can try and talk to them but it's not always a success. Communication is key sometimes, maybe not when he's in an isolation phase but it's ok to communicate your wants and needs and if he can't meet them then walk away so you can focus on getting yourself back on track?

 

[Deleted member 38137]

I can't say that I know if OCD is related or not, I don't think so I think that might just be an adde...

I know. And it really seems like something I need to do. I have my own life going on that he seems to be of little help in. I have a need for companionship that he doesn't seem to understand or if he does, it seems like it overwhelms him. And I honestly get sick of the attention whore comments and the rejection. Am I smothering? I don't think so because I'm never around to really even talk to him. I sell cars for a living and the only times I can even talk to him during the day is when I'm slow or when I'm not at work. He acts like I'm up his rear end sometimes. Other times, he texts me sweet things like "thinking of you"...but more often then not lately, he's in cold fish mode. It's driving me nuts. Because I have told him, "hey, I'll date other guys because you can't seem to stop rejecting me." And then he's like, "fine, you're breaking up with me"...And I really don't want to "break up",...I just want to get him to act normal. Or as near to it as possible.

Anyhow, I downloaded that book you told me about and am trying to read it between clients. It's just frustrating with all of the mixed signals. :(

 

[Newtoptsd]

One thing I have definitely realized is that when my vet is not doing well I cannot ask for support or expect it, he does not have the capacity to cope with himself and me and my issues. Like I said if this is an essential want and need from you from a relationship, being with someone with PTSD and also with OCD on top is not ideal.

Maybe try and back off a little on communication altogether? See what he's like? It's worth trying alternate approaches to the ones you've already tried. If he then bites back and says you don't care about him then that's when you can have a conversation about setting a boundary and that you won't accept his behavior when he calls you an attention whore etc. You saying you will date other guys is probably not a good idea, PTSD sufferers don't often feel worthy of being loved (I know this might seem strange given his comments and behavior) but one thing I have learnt is to be persistent in what I'm saying. My sufferer has often told me I should be with someone who's not mentally Ill and that I deserve better and that I should stop hanging around him and that he doesn't want to hurt me, each time he does I tell him I don't bloody well want anyone else and that I'm not going anywhere. I know he doesn't want me to really he just needs a bit of reassurance and security and if things do go tits up then this was my choice.

You also need to realize that PTSD is normal, it's normal for someone who has suffered traumatic events to have developed PTSD. It doesn't make them weak, my SO often tells me he needs a new brain or he's not right but he is normal, he's PTSD normal and our relationship is our own definition of normal. Might not look normal to other people but that's ok with me. What I'm trying to say is, there will never be a day where the switch is flicked and he is then completely PTSD and OCD free, it's a long old ugly ass journey....you're either in or you're out.

If he didn't want you in his life then you wouldn't be in it. You have to figure out whether you want to weather yours and his storms or go your separate ways to figure things our by yourself. I think you're scared not to have anyone there for you, but at the end of the day sometimes it's better to learn to be alone before you can let someone else in and take on some of your stuff. By the sounds of it you need someone who doesn't suffer from PTSD?

 

[Deleted member 38137]

It's really odd because some of the aspects of the PTSD that would freak other people out, I can handle. Like the looking out the windows out of a dead sleep in the middle of the night when he hears a noise. Or those lightening quick reflexes that can sometimes be menacing (he was tickling me once and I went to tickle him back and kind of accidentally choked him and he had his hands on my throat so fast I couldn't believe it...lol). Or the getting yelled at when I knock too loudly on the door if it's locked. Those things I can handle.

What I cannot handle is the rejection. Here it is 12:20 p.m. I have yet to hear from him even though I called him when I got home last night (around 9 p.m.) from work and texted him a naughty pic. It's like he doesn't even enjoy that stuff anymore. When I first met him, he was obsessed with sex and I was like...lil freaky but it's ok. I'm sure his war experiences have made him somewhat hedonistic. But how, he barely responds to me sexually. Yet, will talk about how the kitty is his...blah, blah, blah. (Excuse me if I'm being too blunt...but I'm a blunt person...lol) It's like this big huge bag of mixed signals I get DAILY. And then he wonders why I get mad. I get mad because I tell him that I just want some kind of concern. He never makes sure I got home ok. It's just weird. For a trained killer, he has about ZERO chivalry towards me. And he's Italian so that's especially weird.

 

[Newtoptsd]

No I know what you mean, my sufferer kept Knives hidden around his flat ... or not so hidden sometimes and it did not frighten me at all. However the choking thing is a little concerning, just make sure that this won't happen in a very serious context in the future.

You have to know that when sufferers do push you away it's nearly 100% of the time NOT YOU. It has nothing to do with you. However if he is being verbally abusive, this is NOT acceptable and it's up to you to tell him. If he doesn't change then walk away. It is common for PTSD sufferers to lose sexual drive now and again, especially when they are not doing very well. Your vet does not have the emotional capacity to consider your needs as well as his own right now, making sure you got home ok is just not in his thought process and he's not doing it on purpose they genuinely just don't think or realize. Also I would refrain from using words such as 'trained killer' this gives being a warrior a very negative connotation and that should not be the case. He has fought in wars and been one of the bravest souls and that is why they have some problems adjusting back into life and relationships. They have been trained to put aside emotions in order to get up get the job done, always be alert and to shut down certain parts of rationale thinking when in the war zone. This is why they are the way they are and need help in coping and managing these trained reactions and to tone them down.

Let me know how you get on with the book!

 

[Deleted member 38137]

No I know what you mean, my sufferer kept Knives hidden around his flat ... or not so hidden sometime...

I wouldn't say verbally abusive. Just more like using shaming language in a way to discourage me from getting too close. And trust me, when I say "trained killer", I don't mean any negative connotations with it. I am proud of him for what he's endured. I do think he's a great man. Maybe just not the man for me. Or probably anybody to be honest with you. It's funny but I wish that I had met him prior to his enlistment and subsequent failed marriage. On an intellectual level, we get along great. Sexually, we get along great. Commitment-wise, he sucks. lol

Anyhow, I'm gonna pick the book up and read it for awhile.

 

[Newtoptsd]

That's good to hear, it wouldn't be nice if he was being verbally absuive!! It takes a pretty relaxed and strong person to get into a relationship with someone who suffers from PTSD, I am not allowed to label our relationship, I'm not allowed to call or ask him to be my boyfriend and I can't ask for solid commitment. This is something I am completely ok with, he's commuting to me without realising so I don't need the label and I don't mind waiting for a year for him to realise that we are in a relationship and I'm not doing a runner.

Its entirely up to you if you want to wait it out or not, don't feel like a failure if you don't want to though. You have your own wants and needs and you should get them in life, set yourself free if this is really making you miserable and making your life worse. You have shown a PTSD sufferer some love and if you do walk hopefully he will realise he needs to work on himself.