Learned How To Be Happy Despite..

[saraemerald]

Curious. Has anyone else experienced this themselves and if yes, how?
When I had extremely bad PTSD symptoms, my nervous system was so sensitive that just about anything would set it off and I would get the shaky weak in the knees feeling, a vibraty shakiness in my body and have anxiety with difficulty breathing and to calm myself down, I would mentally shut my body down while telling myself, It's OK. You're fine. Everything's OK. And very often, I would pray for strength from God.
I would also constantly finding myself focusing on the positive or trying to think of something nice as a distraction. I also kept myself very busy all the time whether it be work, church, visiting people, shopping, etc. I was at that time, a Jehovah's Witness so I was very busy in that religion, which is required.

Even when there were so many negative things that happened in my life even after making a good decision to leave my abusive parents at age 18 and start my own life and move forward from there, I was always positive and trying new things and keeping my head up.

I had gone through sooo much in my life that I had over the years, mastered the art of remaining happy and "content" despite, and determined that no matter what I went through, I would always have a positive attitude.
This also meant that I had a learned a way to be able to "be strong" no matter what hardship came my way. So even if I would ever have to endure anything at cruel as something like a concentration camp, I would be "fine" because of my faith in a God and a positive, strong attitude. (Jehovah's Witnesses are constantly told they will be persecuted and to be prepared so we learn to try to mentally prepare for such a thing. And this persecution we are constantly told about may include rape, beatings, imprisonment, etc.)

Having that positive, determined attitude helped me to overcome symptoms of PTSD and to become stronger physically.
BUT, this is also when I sabotaged my good health and positive attitude. I had always been strong all those years and finally healed my PTSD but I was still single and trying to be positive about still being single, chalking it up to, "God know's best".

So, I thought I was happy and even felt happy and thought I was at a good peak in my life, but apparently not.

Do you ever get tired of mastering it all and being just fine and being strong and positive no matter what because you had to learn to be a very strong, independent person anyways because of enduring trauma from a young age?

I had become very successful in the religion I was once part of, and I had made many friends and been successful with jobs and managing my finances and became very healthy and happy.
Then I took my success and my strong self and totally turned against myself and ruined all I had worked hard for. I was also disappointed that my other Jehovah's Witness friends I had growing up, weren't happy for me or didn't notice the positive changes in my life which is one of the reasons, I was why I was making friends elsewhere.

Maybe I was subconsciously expecting more out of my life.

 

[Ronin]

I prefer moderation and adequate emotionality to one sided emotion in any way, personally.

As in my goal isn't to be one thing. It's not to be happy, it's not to filter out any given emotion's impact on my body and choices. It's to be with all of them, without wild swings, and without emotions (and lack of) interfering with my choices. Still a long path to go. I suppose a lifetime, and I'm content with that.

 

[saraemerald]

It's like growing up a Jehovah's Witness and in a strict and abusive environment turned me into a perfectionist and a doer and doing anything I can to appease the religion's requirements and making God happy. Over the years, I got it all down pat and I had some pride in that but something was terribly missing.
And sometimes when you've experienced years of trauma but you're still determined to not let it dictate the rest of your life, when you finally get your life straight because you worked hard to get there, you suddenly find yourself still lonely and misunderstood and ruin it all.

 

[saraemerald]

This has caused me a lot of feelings of shame and amidst all the self-sabotage, two men from my religion came to my place of work unannounced, asked me if I wanted to be a Jehovah's Witness, I said no and they said it would be announced at the next meeting. I was disfellowshipped. They make the announcement in front of the whole congregation that 'such and such' is no longer one of Jehovah's witnesses. This announcement according to the religion, means that any Jehovah's Witness can no longer speak to me. It's a form of shunning and it is painful. Since, I have been trying all I can to recooperate my life and start living it.

 

[saraemerald]

I prefer moderation and adequate emotionality to one sided emotion in any way, personally.

As in my goal...

That's a balanced way to be.
In my case, I was trying so hard to combat the harsh things I went through and the intrusive thoughts I was experiencing with as much positivity as I could. It was my way of trying to fight the crazy crap load of s#!& I went through. It was also my only way of coping with disabling PTSD symptoms so that I could still participate in life and function at work, school and church.

 

[saraemerald]

That's a balanced way to be.
In my case, I was trying so hard to combat the harsh things I went th...

If I didn't focus on something positive no matter how small, sometimes I felt I would have cracked.
There were times when I could barely breath but I forced myself to breath as deeply as I could so I would continue to move and accomplish whatever I needed to.

 

[Friday]

So, I thought I was happy and even felt happy and thought I was at a good peak in my life, but apparently not.

How do you mean? ((AKA It isn't apparent to me.))

 

[Friday]

Do you ever get tired of mastering it all and being just fine and being strong and positive no matter what because you had to learn to be a very strong, independent person anyways because of enduring trauma from a young age?

I didn't endure trauma at a young age... But trauma IS what taught be to be truly happy. In many different ways, and at different times. That's one of my good lessons / it's one of the few things that translates both inside of & outside of trauma.

Do I ever get tired? Of course. Absolutely. And just because I can be well and truly happy (as well as strong, independent, etc.) in all kinds of seriously f*cked up circumstances, doesn't mean I'm always happy in f*cked up circumstances, nor in good ones... Nor does it mean just because I can, that I always can, even if I want to; or want to, even if I can.

 

[Ronin]

It's a form of shunning and it is painful.

I absolutely understand painfulness of being shunned by people one associated with, but it's a good thing for your life.

They are not good people to be with; you are, and it's good to be away from them. :tup:

 

[saraemerald]

How do you mean? ((AKA It isn't apparent to me.))

I had learned by myself, from childhood to be like Pollyanna and when I was enduring abuse I learned to see the positive side of it by telling myself things like "It's making me a strong person", or since I 've had a lot taken away from me, I appreciate things more that others take for granted". Because of going through so much already as a child, transitioning to the responsibilities of being an adult was like a piece of cake and I was quite able to rise above a lot of things, even when I had PTSD symptoms real bad but still had to work hard to pay te bills since I had no parents to help me out. But I had a strong faith in God, a stubborn attitude and the help of some nice people in my congregation. But it's also made me more lonely. Teens and peers my own age didn't understand me or try to. They had parents to spoil them and take care of them and they had their cool friends to hang out with and do normal things young people do while I was trying to overcome PTSD symptoms of my body being nervous and shaky all the time and I had to work my @$$ off to pay the bills and still attend all the basic Jehovah's Witness stuff that was required of us all and attend a school. So even though I was always looking ahead to a better future beyond what I was going through at the time and had a positive attitude, I was hurt by a LOT of people and I STILL remained positive. I NEVER fully came down to earth and had feelings about any of this or had anyone I could truly talk to who about it. Plus, since I was trying to heal from my abusive childhood and PTSD the hard way without meds, but holistically (which I successfully did) people didn't want to talk to me about my symptoms or truly be there for me because they all, in my congregation, especially my one controlling, snobby friend, just wanted me on meds. I was a nerd when younger and researched about PTSD on my own and alternatives to meds AND I paid out of pocket for good therapists, so I WAS being proactive about my situation and doing my part to heal. But no one supported me on my own healing journey so I had to shut up about about the pain and physical symptoms and do it on my own. I did what I had to do but it sucked! And when I was noticing my own body start to feel better and the physical symptoms slowly go away, it was amazing! But there was no one there to be happy for me. So I ruined it all.

 

[saraemerald]

The only people I had in my life were other Jehovah's Witnesses because when you are in that religion, in order to remain in good standing and meet their requirements, you must not have friends outside the organization. And that's what they call it too, God's only true organization. So whoever you have in your congregation, you are stuck with. In my congregation I got to experience living with quite some interesting people and I found I had to constantly emotionally separate myself from many in order to preserve my sanity. There were some very nice Jehovah's witnesses too though.

 

[saraemerald]

I didn't endure trauma at a young age... But trauma IS what taught be to be truly happy. In many differe...

I think I just never had the right people in my life I felt comfortable with and truly felt close to that I could relate to. It's hard to experience true happiness by yourself no matter how resilient you try to be. I will say, there were a few people I will always love and appreciate although I can no longer acssociate with them now because they are stuck in that religion/cult.