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How have your symptoms changed, how you’ve learned to live, & what you’ve overcome?

A couple of threads recently have reminded me how bad things had got before I was diagnosed. It's almost like part of trauma because it's part of my life that is with another part of me.

I'd been attacked in my house first, then a few months later when I tried to stop contact with him, he attacked again at a friend's house. He knew where I lived and we mixed with the same people, so the fear that someone could mention my name to him and that could trigger him to come and kill me was a realistic fear. It also meant that I stayed in survival mode and was triggered ridiculously often.

Sometimes I would feel and see his presence like a spirit in the room and I would believe it so much that I would tell it to leave me alone. I'd wake up in the night believing that something terrible had happened and would have to check that my children were still alive. And with people that shared acquaintances with him, I'd fawn around them sometimes and tell them I didn't want to know them at other times or I'd write long emails attempting to explain the distorted logic of what I was afraid of. I'd also drink and hurt myself sometimes.

So looking honestly at where I am, I no longer live in that house or have any contact with anyone that knows him, so triggers are relatively rare. I do still have mild intrusive thoughts and emotions and find myself fawning or avoiding, but I no longer shout at imagined perpetrators standing in my house.
 
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