I Hate Christmas

[SeekingAfrica]

The whole holiday season, to be precise. There are too many pre and post Christmas and NYevents. The new year is approaching like a car heading straight at me and it's going to run over me. This is the time of year when I usually need relaxation and reflection.

My anxiety has been too high for few months because of trying to do therapy and recover and work and basically put myself together. I'm exhausted. I barely have energy for normal daily things. I stay in the shower until my skin is red because it's calming and because I don't seem to have energy to get up.

I don't sleep well. My mind is filled with reflections of the year and what I should have gotten done. The state in which different parts of my life are hasn't improved nearly enough for even okay-ish. And suddenly know that I won't like myself much unless I manage to actually change something significantly before the year starts.

But yet everyone wants me to sit and drink and eat and make small talk about how good I'm doing. I can't bring people down, not on holidays. I can't skip things because it would be disrespectful. I don't have money to travel somewhere before New Year. I will after it and I do so much NEED it, terribly so. But if I have a month where I'm too stressed and too depressed to actually work properly and deal with my goals and all that, and spend all month going to events that stess me and get even more nights of restless sleep in 1 h patches, my vacation won't be restful either.

Because I'll have to work through it, or I'll be exhausted and want to sleep the whole time. I need to be OUT of this month. I feel trapped, and lousy and too depressed to have a good time or even to get out of bed. I'm sorry this is so not positive. I think I'm reeally low right now.

 

[MoonOwl]

The whole holiday season, to be precise. There are too many pre and post Christmas and NYevents....

I hate Christmas too! I think their are a lot of us who feel this way.

It's like having a tinselly stress bomb of guady hipocrasy dropped in the middle of your already stressed-to-the-limits life! As I get older, I participate less and less. I find that for the mostpart, if you don't dwell too much on it, it will go away - lol!

 

[ladee]

@MoonOwl ..LOVED YOUR description of the areas bomb! Just perfect for how I feel about this time of year.

 

[MoonOwl]

Just need to add this: Didn't mean to come off as dismissive which I realize my post may have. In the past, this has been a real problem for me. The truth is, I just finally realized that I can participate or not to the degree that I WANT to. That came as a complete revelation to me. I used to run around in a frenzy, staying up late to do things I didn't want to do, spending money I didn't have to buy things that people didn't need that only helped to fill up the landfills with more crap. I did these things year after year because I thought I HAD to. I even made my husband Plum Pudding from scratch (12 hours in the oven) every year (yuck - hate it, myself.) I practically had a nervous breakdown every year. I came to absolutely dread it! This is the very definition of insanity!
Now, I do my best to ignore it. It's become a game to me. I switch the commercials off on t.v., don't read the magazines, etc. I don't let it in. I might buy a few gifts - I might not - no big deal. I graciously send Christmas cards back to those who send to me. I no longer initiate it. I buy a tiny little potted tree and throw a couple of baubles on it. I don't decorate anything else. I don't go to parties. I treat it as "just another day." Amazingly, the world hasn't come to a screeching halt. The craziness goes on - just without me. I've gotten off the merry-go-round.

 

[MoonOwl]

Here's the biggest revelation: I'm ALLOWED to do that fir myself! That's sooo empowering!

 

[Gs172003]

I haven't even decorated at all yet. I really should. I have three ornaments representing three family members that I have never used that i should but I don't really want to get all this crap out. Terrible huh.

 

[MoonOwl]

I haven't even decorated at all yet. I really should. I have three ornaments representing three family m...

You know what they say? Stop SHOULDING on yourself lol.

 

[MoonOwl]

I don't think it's terrible. I think that the healthy part of you is rebelling and resisting doing something that you don't feel up to. Why not give yourself a break and put up one or two - the ones that really mean something - or none. I started this whole Bah-Humbug thing as a little personal experiment: "How much can I get away with (not doing)?" It's almost become a paradoxical challenge to myself now. I'm actually enjoying it AND I'm not doing crazy any more!

 

[Gs172003]

I don't think it's terrible. I think that the healthy part of you is rebelling and resisting doing som...

I might just put up the tree and the manger and that's it. I want a real tree though. I've been saying that for two danged years and by God I'm getting one .

 

[MoonOwl]

Do you think I'm a terrible person for not going flat-out Christmas insane like I used to? No? Neither will people think that of you. Here's what they'll think: "Wow! I wish I could do that!" - never realizing that they CAN!

 

[SeekingAfrica]

Do you think I'm a terrible person for not going flat-out Christmas insane like I used to? No? Neithe...

:) Thanks for all the details on your Christmas thing. Loved the bomb reference too, it's indeed how I feel:P.
I actually am trying to give myself some allowences on that: for example, in December my family back home celebrates Christmas on 25th, but here they celebrate it in January...But, I chose to travel home(finally!) in the beginning of January. So, I just need to send greetings back home when I'm here, and greetings to here when I'm back home;). Which is one of the only parts I actually like doing.

I am also allowing myself a little more luxaries otherwise, just to take some things off my back and have more energy- more take out food on regular days and so on. I am worried about the level of anxiety I am still having though, I'm afraid even with all these things, the amount of parties that I am not able to say no to is too many(not that many, but too many in one week, generally one is enough for me).

The worst of it is, we have a celebration of a serbian holiday on 19-20th and that one means 20 people I barely know in my tiny apartment from noon until 8PM...with small break in between. And because of the little space people going around through my room as well. I am dreading that. Especially that 1. it lasts 2 days, and during these 2 days I feel like my apartment is invaded. seriously. too much people in my space for too long. I feel the need to go to the office for most of it and just join for couple hours because I am not sure how to handle it 2. the day before I have dance performace, I'll be on stage....and usually these days are filled with nerves, excitement, bonding with the other dancers and a lot of high level emotions. So the day after a concert I usually want to be alone for 24h, take a bath, go to spa, catch up on sleep and reflect on what went good or bad in that performance. Kind of lower my emotions and relax, rather than jump straight into huge celebration that lasts most of the day...:(

I did vent here and in Journal today, and took one of those hot showers until my skin was red and then gotten a bit more work-inspired at least:). So it does help...but it's not like I can vent for this long every day this month though.

 

[MoonOwl]

It certainly does sound like a lot of stress-provoking things crammed into a short time! Anyone would want to run in the other direction. I like that you are looking forward to some of it. That's the idea - as best you can, eliminate all the things that are meaningless and just drain the energy you need to do the things that you really want to do. We all have to do things we don't want to do but but that's a list you can cut to the bone. Maybe add some humor to your days - funny movies - funny memes on the internet - funny animals on Youtube. Laughter can lighten and enliven us! Many trauma/anxiety sufferers (me, too) tend to forget that!