Dec 18 thru to New Years I hate, and wish they did not exist. I suffer greatly every year during this time.
Keep in mind I was physically, mentally, and sexually abused by or at the entity I indicate below. I will dispense with all that led up to this moment because its triggering, and the part about my birthday and xmas is the event that effects me this time of the year.
I was under the care of an for profit organization who ran group homes, on my birthday the Dec 18th, they called me upstairs from my space, next thing I know I am being held down (they did that allot abusively), then they let me loose and I ran out of the house, when I returned they said I hit a staff member, and said they were have me arrested, no police were called, no investigation, they drove me to the police station (when have you ever heard of the accuser driving the person they are accusing to jail?), this was clearly a setup to get rid of me as they could no longer collect money for my care and I was unfit to care for myself. I spent 5 days in jail I believe, and then was bailed out by my father. At this point I was homeless, right before christmas, with no place to sleep, I had no choice but to work non-stop 24 hours a day thru xmas at my job at house of pancakes so at least I was generating income to get a place. Before I got a week of work I was about the collapse from exhaustion and no sleep for the days I worked. At this point I had to get the help of my mental health people who worked for the county. They got me into christ house for a couple days so I could recuperate, at the same time my employer wanted me to come to work, I told them I could not because of exhaustion (they knew I worked 24 hrs for days), they said I had to come in and they will be the judge, well that was not going to happen, so they fired me. After I recouped at christ house, I was again homeless and now jobless. I called the health dept on my past employer, and told them what to look for (they had roaches under the grease mat that was never cleaned, other unsanitary conditions, and a mouse problem with a big hole from the mouse in one of the bathrooms), they were shutdown almost 2 weeks, and they had to fumigate the place. At least I got some justice there. Well anyway being homeless and jobless I walked from arlington to DC (about 15 miles), I was at the mall near where the paddle boats are. I was at this point beaten down, destitute and desperate, and I could not take anymore. So I actually jumped off the edge but never made it in to the water (I cannot swim) as someone actually grabbed me mid air and pulled me back.
It turns out it was a retired cop, he wanted to take me to a hospital, but I refused, he asked me why I did it, and I told him about my situation, so he took me to union station where mitch snyder of CCNV was at, they had took over the area being renovated to use as a shelter so people would not freeze (I probably would have too), I sleep there, and the next morning mitch took me over to CCNV's N Street house. Which they had also a health clinic and a thrift shop downstairs. The had me that next morning get check out, and they arranged for a psych person to see me. The result is they gave me meds to calm me, and they had me stay at the N Street house, where I had to help prepare food for the homeless as my contribution, I was not allowed to leave or even go near the door for many weeks, at some point I was allowed to go out as I wanted, and all they required of everybody (me included) was to help with the food prep or delivery and either be looking for work or working. They asked for nothing of my earnings. So I eventually got on my feet.
So the problem for me as the 18th and xmas comes around is that I floods me with all the abuse I had there, and what happened on my birthday and christmas, and the days that followed. Often I get these memories as if they were in a loop. And I can seem to turn them off sometimes.
