I Hate Christmas

[recoveringfromptsd]

I feel a bit guilty for feeling this way

@brat17 You should not feel guilty, that's an appropriate reaction to a violation of one's self. And yes I know I will survive this, its just going to be brutal until then. Even if this stuff makes me feel unsafe, I have to maintain, because I worry that the abuse therapist who just started working with me will stop if I get unsafe. So I have to use what supports I have to get me thru. And I have those setup already if I need them. Of course all you kind folks on this site are one of my supports.

 

[mamachick]

Well you are in my thoughts and prayers through all of this (((hugs))) if ok

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

Thanks @brat17

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

I am beginning to hate this month more than in the past.

So much bad sh.. happening, just found out a close relative may be having her last moments on this wretched planet any moment. This person was special to me. I don't even know how I feel right now.

 

[mamachick]

Im sorry recoveringfromptsd.....

 

[joeylittle]

is it really a bad thing to not celebrate this time of year?

I don't think it's a bad thing. The best I can do is make sure it's just another day. If I get too close to thinking of what I wish it could be, the depression gets dangerous.

But it's hard. It's a hard few days to be alone.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

I don't think it's a bad thing. The best I can do is make sure it's just another day.

@joeylittle For me its not the celebration, its the dates within this time of year. And its not depression I fight, while that happens, its the fact that this period is a trigger that never goes away. Its always there, so I am constantly trying to fight the FB and intrusive images and thoughts to stay grounded. Its tiring. Its like having the abuse happen over and over and over again except now its in my mind, this also seems to be the only time that I get body memories. This also comes at a time when I am in one of my bi-polar cycles, and of course adding to it all is I now have a close relative who may actually die at any time now. If not tonight, in the next few days,

I have no choice but to endure it (distress tolerance) as my usual way of coping is to shut down, be unsafe, avoid dealing, be in hospital likely, etc.

I can't use those old ways, so I have to deal with it. Because if I use those old ways the abuse therapist won't work with me and then I am stuff forever never getting better from this stuff.

So I just have to deal with it. It hurts, it hurts like he.. I wish it would all just go away, but it won't

 

[mamachick]

@recoveringfromptsd -This may not apply to you at all, but for me, the trauma has taken on the celebration part as well, and I did not realize that until this post really. I don't know how many years it has been for you and what you have experienced this time of year since.

After my assault in 2008, I needed facial reconstruction. I did not have the money to do it until Nov. 2009. After I attempted to prepare for Christmas and got all my shopping done and decorating done (I did a lot because I had custody of my granddaughter that year), I scheduled facial reconstructive surgery just 5 days before Christmas. I had a draining tube in my head and black eyes on Christmas day and in pictures. I have no idea why I did not wait until January to do this.......except I might have been unconsciously re-creating the bruising and physical pain. Of course I did not have house guests, go out, or go to church as I did in other years since I was in this condition.

By the next year, I seem to have broken any traditions. Haven't even baked since. I do less and less decorating too. Barely a tree and a wreath, where I use to have several mantel, bannisters, entrance doors, etc. decorated. I just remember that first Xmas 2009 and feeling so much anxiety and chosing surgery and being put to sleep, and wish I could do that every year....huge distraction.

This year, the anxiety is coming out in physical ailments I do think.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

@brat17 I definately can relate to that, while my stuff around this time was not from a singular assault we both seem to have problems with the time period being a trigger.

I am curious have you gotten any treatment for your ptsd?

 

[Fadeaway]

You would think that for those of us who struggle this time of years could escape other stress at the same time.
financial worries, medical issues, and PTSD could all take a break for 1 month out of the year so we can cope better.

 

[sun seeker]

financial worries, medical issues, and PTSD could all take a break for 1 month out of the year so we can cope better

Sounds good to me. Where do we vote to have that motion carried?

 

[mamachick]

I guess I may have taken more from therapy than I give myself credit for. I don't have flashbacks, I don't have suicidal ideation. I just feel old and grumpy and not comfortable. Old traditions are gone, and Im not capable of, or desiring to make new ones still. I go thru the motions of whatever ends in my lap. (others suggestions) I lack enthusiasm