Relationship I Need Help. I Need Hope.

[Lostandhurt]

Hi everyone, I know my story will be so similar to others but I need to tell it to someone and for someone to tell me that there is hope.

My girlfriend and I broke up a few days ago. She was molested when she was younger so there was always a little bit of a struggle. But when the relationship started everything was okay with that. She is a few years younger than me and I was in college. She started to show interest in me. I wasn't going to do anything but she kept pushing. I was in a state of depression and couldn't really return her feelings at the time. But she broke through and she made me love her more than anything. For two years we were together and she was so sure she loved me and was the constant in our relationship. Then something happened...she was raped at a party in college. That's when everything changed. She called me crying begging me not to leave her and of course I wouldn't. I couldn't. I went to visit her at school the very next chance I got. We had sex that night because neither of us could stand the idea of someone else haveing been the last one to touch her. But after that weekend she stopped going to class and fell into a high depression. I got over protective and over emotional which I think is what she needed at the time. It helped her realize I wasn't going anywhere and she came out of her depression. Things were okay for a while and then the summer came. We were both working all of the time and didn't get to see each other much. And when we did we couldn't have sex or anything because we weren't alone. After months of that it seemed like she lost interest in that part of the relationship. But eventually that started up again. Not quite the same as before but it was a start. We finally started to get back to normal when something terrible happened. We were drinking and we went back to her place to have sex and she blacked out for a few seconds during without me realizing. When she came back to it cause a flashback and she started freaking out. Crying and locked herself in the bathroom. Eventually she let me in and we climbed in the shower and just sat there under the water. That was a few months ago. We hadn't done anything since then. She was distant. And I became needy in an attempt to fight for her.

Then a few days ago we were hanging out and she broke up with me crying. She kept saying that I'm her best friend but she isn't sure she can love me anymore and how she wants to want me and how she spent 3 years so sure that it's what she wanted. She keeps talking about how she still wants to marry me someday and how I'm her endgame. But she can't understand why she doesn't feel it right now and why she doesn't want it right now. I'm devestated over the whole thing. But we ended up sleeping next to each other that night and hanging out and having fun the next day. She says she doesn't want anyone else. She says when we kiss she can't breath. And she doesn't want to be held or anything. She says it's not just me. She just can't want that stuff right now. She told me she had been feeling this way for a while but didn't want to hurt me and didn't know how to tell me. She has been under a lot of stress from school. She is depressed. She actually is bipolar and she has PTSD. All of which can be linked to emotional numbness.

I know I let it get so bad...I tried to just wrap her in a blanket of my emotion because at first that's what she needed. But I forgot to actually try to make her happy. To make her smile or laugh. She says the near sight of me or smell of me use to be calming. But not anymore. And I think it's because I forgot to be the thing that made her feel better. Not the thing that just listens to her. I use to make her feel like everything would be alright but I didn't know if everything would be alright. So our conversations turned into fight or things that made her cry. Which made her stop looking forward to talking to me. And when we hung out we would just be lazy and watch Netflix. I let her sink more and more without realizing it until she shut herself off and is now numb.

I know that was a long story and a lot of information. It just hurts so much because I would do anything for her. I'm struggling with the idea of being friends and that I may never get her back. I just need hope. But I need honesty too.

Thanks

 

[caligirl03]

I'm so sorry for your hurt.

You need to understand that NONE of this is your fault nor your responsibility. This is something that sooner or later she would have to contend with, and she was only able to put it off for so long before it came roaring back to haunt her. I'm glad she recognizes she isn't in a place to be an equal partner to you, as that requires an immense amount of self-awareness and courage. I don't think she necessarily stopped loving you, but in order to ever truly be able to receive your love and give it in return, she first needs to face her demons.

If I were you, I would encourage her to get in some form of professional support, as this is far beyond your abilities or what's required of you. Secondly, I would make sure to take really damn good care of yourself. You're emotionally beat up right now. Honor that. Be kind to yourself and your experience. Allow yourself to feel the pain and learn to express it in healthy ways. Make sure to keep really good company and also seek support from others going through similar kinds of things, such as many of us on this forum.

 

[Lostandhurt]

I'm so sorry for your hurt.

You need to understand that NONE of this is your fault nor your respon...

Thank you.
She says she hasn't stopped loving me but she just isn't sure in what way.
And she keeps saying I haven't lost her. But I'm so unsure. It's just all so confusing.
Only a few weeks ago she made me promise we would be married within 3 years. But then she says for the past year she has preferred our friendship to our relationship... it's so confusing

 

[caligirl03]

When someone feels as though they're unlovable it's really difficult to accept much less feel the love of another. More often than not, it ends up manifesting as vacillating confusion at best and outright sabotage at worst. The important thing to remember is you can't control what she ultimately decides to do, you can only choose how to respond to it and to what extent to be involved. I'd really encourage you to learn how to set and enforce really good boundaries, see her issues as separate from yourself, and not be hero in the name of love.

 

[Lostandhurt]

When someone feels as though they're unlovable it's really difficult to accept much less feel the lo...

I know I need to be there for her and I know I need to be happy and to make her smile again. I can't bog her down with all of my negative emotions and confusion. I know I can't keep bringing up the subject to her because that will only annoy her and Ouse her away. And probably make her cry. I know I need to keep the smile on my face and the tremble out of my voice for herself . I'm just scared that I'm not going to be able to do it. That I won't be able to bring her back like she brought me back.

I know you don't know the future but after hearing most of our story do you think there is hope to be had?

 

[caligirl03]

Much more importantly, she needs to learn to be there for HERSELF, lest you risk getting into a co-dependent relationship that's a guaranteed recipe for disaster. You are NOT in any way, shape, or form responsible for her personal emotions. Only she can get to a better place to give and receive love once she receives the help she so clearly needs. Please understand that. This is also why it is crucial that you learn how to maintain extremely good boundaries--where you end and she begins. In fact, I would recommend some counseling for yourself as well, as you've clearly been through a lot. Doing so will help you make sense of things as well as you teach you healthy coping techniques throughout this tenuous situation. I promise you as someone who's been there, done that for a while now, it will help spare you an immense amount of grief. As far as hope goes, there is ALWAYS hope.

 

[Lostandhurt]

Much more importantly, she needs to learn to be there for HERSELF, lest you risk getting into a co-d...

I know there is no point in me getting down about this. It won't help me and more importantly it won't help her. If I don't make the decision every day to try and be happy then I will either regress and become emotionless again just like she is or I will become angry and blame her. Or I could go into a deep depression and not want to see her or anyone. None of those options can help either of us. If me being happy helps her and is what she needs then of course that's what I have to do. Without a second thought. That's what you do when you love someone.
It may. It be healthy for me. But I am okay with that. I would gladly shoulder her grief and mine. I know that's not something I should do or will probably need to do but I would.