Relationship Splitting? Emotional Affair?

[sighing]

After a recent stressful event, my husband was diagnosed with C-PTSD relating to childhood neglect and emotional abuse. The last few months have been exceedingly stressful due to the fact that he squarely places blame on me for everything that has gone wrong in his life since I met him (over a decade). He's angry and it has been channeled at me with withholding of emotional support, affection, interaction and participation in activities, and verbally accusing me of being the cause of his problems and reason for his suicidal ideation. In short, I feel like he hates me and has split on me. His diagnosis brings the last few years of our marriage into clarity for me and I can now recognize how the C-PTSD and depression have effected our marriage and our child. I recognize now, through therapy on my own, that I have allowed a co-dependent relationship to exist and that I have enabled his behavior. He has developed a new co-dependent relationship (platonic/emotional) with another C-PTSD sufferer and their relationship has completely taking priority over everything, including our child's emotional needs. He is either with her for hours on end, on the phone talking to her, or texting her nonstop. They both insist that their relationship is fine and no threat to our marriage because it's platonic. They are working together to "save" both our marriage and her marriage. However, due to the duration and depth I fully recognize it as an emotional affair and feel like our marriage has ended and we are existing in the same space without having the relationship and intimacy we once enjoyed. When I bring up how I feel, I'm shut down and told to not make ultimatums. I'm being mean to her - her feelings matter. This issue goes so deep I don't even know how to begin repairing the relationship, especially when he's not open to marriage counseling. I see him making progress with his therapy and EMDR sessions, and the anger is less prominent, but reconciling the last few years of emotional abuse is difficult for me. I can't even being to talk to him about it right now.

 

[miniftw]

Im so sorry, I wish I could offer advice but honestly I dont know how i'd deal with that situation either, I just want you to know that you are heard here and hopefully you can get enough support from everyone here that can help you with this situation. Perhaps in time a solution can be found.

 

[shimmerz]

that I have allowed a co-dependent relationship to exist and that I have enabled his behavior

I am going to suggest that you are still in this pattern. Waiting for his 'okay' to make your next move is kinda co-dependent, right? As well, you may be fighting with him as to why he shouldn't be talking to this other woman (and regardless of what he/they say, she IS the other woman), but you are enabling the situation by not making a move of some sort that says 'I am not doing this'.

I am sorry you are going through this, and more importantly I am sorry your child is going through this. Perhaps a woman's outreach program, or talking to your counselor specifically about how you can make a move forward rather than being caught in this toxic mess would be a start?

 

[Killashandra]

Dear Sighing,

I know this situation very well, and have in the last 10 mths realized what I have done to my husband. We had/have a similar situation in reverse, I am the one with Cptsd and he is the one I have blamed for years.

Can I ask has he been open with his conversations with you about her? will he allow you to check the texts? if the answer is no then it's an emotional affair, for some reason he doesn't trust you, fully. this is more likely due to arguments or past hurts that he has perceived to be your fault. the fact that he defends her is troubling. she isn't his wife. you are. if you feel thier relationship is detrimental to your own relationship with him then it's not a good relationship.

to be perfectly honest with you sighing, it's been very hard to talk to my husband about any of my problems, this isn't his fault. it's mine, becasue I was conditioned not to talk to those closest becasue of the consequences, I learnt that I could talk to people I didn't know without repercussions. and form pie crust friendships, easily made easily broken. I am only just now opening up with little snippets here or there when I feel he is receptive.

The hardest part on his part is accepting that his behaviour to you and your child has been unacceptable, You are not to blame for his Cptsd, you are not the person who abused and neglected him, but we have this funny way of blaming others for our actions this is our way of justifying our actions because if we take responsibility for it then our demons chase us into a spiral of shame and guilt and triggers, but what we don't realise is that it is those demons that are at fault. and we are already triggered. this is classic avoidance. to really heal we must dig deep and find the roots and cut them down ourselves. take responsibility for ourselves we need to remember we are adults now, not helpless children.

The way my husband has dealt with it was to give me a final ultimatum. 17 yrs has certainly taken its toll on him but he still loves me but Sighing, he has hurt. hurt deeply and sometimes I think unhealable, i see his suffering now and each time he gets overwhelmed and releases it I KNOW I am the one to blame. That is truly my fault, he has suffered all this pain just for loving me and not leaving when he could have so many many times... and I remember now at those times that he hasn't Abandoned me. all rejection for me is abandonment.

So his ultimatum was divorce or sort this crap out, he wasn't taking any more blame from me at all, period- for the sake of us and our daughter. he was harsh but on point. He had a place to go, he had already checked a few rentals out, he was prepared. Had a job lined up, money in the bank etc but When I said I wanted him to stay, I loved him and I was sorry, he used the 180 on me ( you can Google 180 affair care ) and even though most of what the 180 entails hurt me, it has allowed him to stay, and give me time to show true remorse and show my progress on healing. it must be working or I must be improving because as one of the 180 rules was not to say I love you first... after 10 mths he said it for the first time just 1 week ago. and he brought me a present, just because, 2 mths ago, something he has never done before.

I can understand the heartache you must be going through but at the end of the day, none of this as been your fault,sure marriages have issues, every one of them does, but you are not the sole person to blame. and I do hope that what I have said helps in some way.

It's a long arduous journey darl, for him and for you and only you know what's best for you and your child. I just reread your post and this is just my opinion but I would check the 180 out and employ what you can. he is shutting you and your child out because of his issues and that's not fair on either of you... what's that old adage, you never know what you have until it's gone..

All the best sweetie. big hugs if you accept them. and ones for the Lil'un too.
Killa.

 

[sighing]

Thank you Killashandra, Shimmerz, and miniftw. I feel like the suggestion that I'm still allowing our co-dependency to exist by not setting boundaries on the platonic relationship may be spot on. I'm afraid to let him know how I view things now because I don't want to push him into further self hatred and make his C-PTSD symptoms worse for him (and truthfully for myself and our child). Truthfully, not wanting to make him feel worse has always been an excuse for me not calling him out on issues that effect his life and our marriage. In reality, that's caused more harm even though it wasn't intended to. I would like to ask him for a legal separation until he is on more solid emotional footing and can handle the stressors of working on our relationship and being around our child. However, he does not have an income and we cannot support two households on mine alone. Part of me knows he would be relieved to take that step. I don't know if we will be able to save the marriage but I do feel like he can heal for himself and be a functioning adult and Father. There is so much that we had planned to do together and now that future seems lost forever. He can't even go to dinner alone with me or do fun things as a family without issue. He's missed school functions, holiday celebrations, playing in the park - not because he doesn't want to, but because the stress is too much (full cup?). The reality of the last few years and slow degradation of his mental state is really starting to sink in with me (thanks support network and therapy).

 

[Hope_N_Highwater]

Perhaps a woman's outreach program, or talking to your counselor specifically about how you can make a move forward rather than being caught in this toxic mess would be a start?

Very good advice Shimmerz.


Sighing.....I have walked in your shoes for about half of my 17 years of marriage, since my h craves attention from other women...its like a drug to him...a learned response from childhood abuse.... and something he will ALWAYS struggle with. We have separated 3 times over the years because his female "friendships" progressed to the point that I could not tolerate them anymore. They were not physical, but emotional.... so I moved out. The separations did not make our relationship better, but each time I felt I had to for MY OWN emotional sanity. Some on here would probably think I am crazy for being back together with him. What I say is that we have a pretty transparent relationship now ( I recognize the signs of his "addiction" cycle, and he will usually admit if he is struggling when confronted). He also knows that I know the good, bad and ugly about him yet still love him. Of course there was alot of healing that had to take place before each reconciliation ( mine for the hurt he caused me, and him for me walking out each time and feeling abandoned.... he had ALOT of anger and unforgiveness that I thought he would never get past). Looking back I wish I had been better at working with a counselor to assist me with setting realistic boundaries and consequences rather than just walking out the door each time.


I have learned as important as boundaries are, the consequences initiated from a boundary broken have just as far reaching effects. You do not want to set a boundary, then not follow through on what the stated consequences will be... he will not respect or believe you in the future. In the same token, you may not want to be so black and white as telling him that if he contacts her again you are moving out. In my opinion, because of the current situation you are in, there is a 99% chance that he will cross that one. Then YOU will have the chaos and trauma of moving out (and risk losing the marriage, as it will enable him to become even more emotionally involved with her or someone else) OR him concluding that you are not serious. I strongly recommend you work with a counselor to help you with the boundary/consequence setting process if you are not ready to give up on your marriage. You will also need their support for when you discuss the boundaries with hubby, because it sounds like you are not going to get a "gee honey what a good idea" from him. Work on doing fun things for yourself that you enjoy and make you happy, in order to stay as emotionally healthy as you can. Its also more attractive than a nagging harpy like I was at times. Know also that we support you also.


Know that there is hope. Even in your situation. You are stronger than you think.

 

[sighing]

I have learned as important as boundaries are, the consequences initiated from a boundary broken have just as far reaching effects. You do not want to set a boundary, then not follow through on what the stated consequences will be... he will not respect or believe you in the future.

I'm going to talk about this with my therapist today. I need to determine where my boundaries are and what I can enforce when I know that asking him to go no contact would be immediately broken. I did ask that she not come to our house when I'm home with our child. That has been followed for the last week. I don't know what a consequence for breaking that would be. He's so dependent on her and vice versa - she has dissociative episodes and he drops everything to help her through them instead of her husband. They both view their relationship as necessary for their continued mental improvement and are blind to any consequences. The level of their co-dependency for emotional support is so high that it seems impossible to break through for me to become part of his emotional support. For example, we were laying in bed talking (finally!) about his decision to start applying for jobs but he continually stopped to text her without even skipping a beat - this is after spending 3 hours with her and missing dinner with us. The real issue is that he has no emotional relation or connection with me right now. This started two years ago after a particularly low point where he was suicidal (but did not share this with me until recently). This difficult time for him (and all of us, really) lead him to stop trusting me. He emotionally shut down and told me in writing and verbally recently that after that suicidal period he decided to stop sharing his emotions and issues with me entirely. He went further to say that it was my fault - all of it. His lack of career, his suicidal thoughts, our romantic life, everything. So essentially I've been going through the effort of maintaining our marriage and household these last two years with him actively working against it while totally immersed in C-PTSD and depression symptoms. Making dates, planning vacations, coaxing him out to dinner with me, trying to talk to him, reaching out to him physically and sexually, solving kid problems, etc. I'm unable to see how we can move past these issues especially when he dodges answering me about going to couples counseling.

 

[sighing]

Work on doing fun things for yourself that you enjoy and make you happy, in order to stay as emotionally healthy as you can. Its also more attractive than a nagging harpy like I was at times. Know also that we support you also.

Thank you. This is exactly what I'm doing right now. I've started living a life for myself and our child. We do things every day together after school (park, yard, bike rides, adventures, errands, groceries, art projects). I've reconnected with old friends and made new ones who I spend time with when I can. I'm reaching out to family as much as possible and making an effort to spend time with them because I enjoy it and was somewhat cut off from spending time with them for a while because my husband didn't want to spend time with them. Essentially, I'm doing what makes me and our child happy and not what I think will make him feel better. So far that's gotten me no where but burned out and exhausted from walking on eggshells trying not to get him irritated. And truthfully, I feel so much better having excused myself from feeling responsible entirely from his issues.

 

[Hope_N_Highwater]

Thank you. This is exactly what I'm doing right now. I've started living a life for myself and our chil...

That is the best thing you can do. If the marriage does not work out, you need to be emotionally healthy and strong to help yourself and your child through it. I completely understand how it feels with all the negative emotions coming your way. It's like you are walking a tightrope.... afraid you are gong to land in his anger on one side, or be frozen and shut out on the other.

Aside from my h's always craving attention from other women, our real issues started when his mother died and he felt like I was not emotionally there for him..... so he emotionally got involved with another woman who was just a "friend". My side was that of course I was not emotionally available to help him, because I was already shut down emotionally (to protect myself) from all his involvement with consonantly seeking attention from other women (online, texting, coffee with female friend etc.). It took a long time for each of us to finally see the other persons point of view. What finally brought us back together was another crisis, and I was there for him emotionally. I know I woudn't have been able to handle his crisis, if I had not been working on myself to be emotionally strong, confident, and had a good emotional support system in place for ME.

A therapist told us once to try to remember the things we used to love to do together, things that made us laugh, when were were first dating, and start from there. Start by bringing up memories of "remember when...." at times when he seems in a calm or communicative mindset. I know you can't control his feelings, but if he sees the girl he fell in love with (you!) is still there.... and she seems strong, happy, and at peace, ( I understand you may not always FEEL that way), he may be drawn back to you.

He also sounds like he is also getting some of his emotional needs met by being a rescuer to her. My h has the same instinct ( he is in a helping profession). I was so angry with him, I wouldn't even ask him for help in changing a light bulb or asking his opinion on something around the house. Rest assured my h found other women who needed "help" and valued his advise. I know it sounds dumb, but I now wait and ask him to do things like replace the battery in the smoke detector when it stats beeping, rather than rushing to do it myself ( I am quite capable of doing it, but do I need to? NO).

Regarding his texting the other woman... Mine still texts other women who are friends, I did not give him an ultimatum to stop or else, that would not work with him. What I did do is have a discussion ( again at a time when he seemed emotionally open to me ) about what were appropriate TIMES for texting friends. For example he agreed after 10 pm is not appropriate, as it communicates the wrong message. I also pointed out that if he is truly trying to help "her" marriage, (this was a past situation) texting her that late at night is ultimately not doing her a favor and HURTING her marriage, as again it communicates the wrong message to her and her husband, and makes her emotionally dependent on him instead of her husband.. My h has also now agreed to not text women friends when we are together in the same room. As I have communicated that it triggers me from our past. I have decided that if he starts to again, I will tell him that I am going in the other room to watch TV or something because he is choosing to encroach on our time and I feel disrespected. I can't control his behavior, but I can control if I am going to stay in the same room with him while he does it. What has sort of been working is that neither of us text on our phones after a certain time, and focus on watching a show together etc. Do you have a third bedroom? A reasonable boundary and consequence is that if he decides to text her in the middle of the night, you will go sleep in the other bedroom, as you can't stop him, but you can control having to lay there next to him while he does it.

If anything is to change, especially without counseling, it will take time and may be two steps forward,one step back... but its still moving forward. Working on just being friends again between you two is a good start. My thoughts and prayers are with you. I still believe God is in the heart changing business, and miracles can happen.