Hi, I'm EmJ - a lifetime sufferer of complex PTS until April of this year. It wasn't a 'walk in the park' getting to Sustainable Living, it took recovering from childhood incest, bullying, excessive exercise -10+ miles/ day for 12 years, two sexual assaults - the latter resulted in divorce, job-hopping to prevent getting 'too close', 3 rounds with medications, 6+ therapists and meditation styles and more to arrive 'now'. I struggle with perfectionism, biological family members and at times anxiety. So yes, I suffered a lot along the journey to today; on the days I didn't think I could try any more some sort of energy -like a wave doesn't stop churning- pulsed through me (I call it an "I'm doing this" moment).
Every day, I sense and feel the past still yet it no longer lives me; I use it to ensure I am my BEST ME in each moment. When I don't feel this - I hustle to my 'self-care' resources and gently figure out what need I'm not meeting and when needed ask for help...not an easy quest even now. You bet, I live completely differently than before, I'm worth it... and it's the outcome of re-learning whole-ness, unbroken-ness and beauty with scars. Most people I knew pre-recovery/ rebuilding phases are at a distance now or I've slowly disclosed parts of the past and waited to observe their response before wading in further.
During this journey, my underlying Resolutions to keep going:
1. NEVER be a Victim again
2. Once healthy, pay forward what I can to others
I'm thankful to find this forum where I hope to learn more about this community of truly amazing contributors and offer support how ever that unfolds.
Early on in my journey, a grand resource was consistent curiosity to partner shame, blame and judgement (eventually curiosity wins).
One of the biggest tools later in my journey: mapping where I'd been (helps to know where I don't want to return AND spaces to explore).
Here's an experiment in vulnerability to learn how we engage, honor and communicate, hopefully with respect: My Summary Map
Numb and Unaware
Majority of my life I was numb and ignorant of me (incest, bullying and sexual assault #1)
Broken
Enter 2011-2013, all I could see was broken-ness (sexual assault #2)
Broken & Beautiful
2014-2015 I learned how to acknowledge the broken-ness, judging every moment, and sensing beauty without capacity to see or touch it (divorce)
Beautiful & Broken
late 2015-Mar 2016, I can be in self-compassion and self-love for longer periods yet gravitate to self-judgement, self-disgust and inner abandonment
Beautiful
4/21/16, stated to Katherine [training colleague]: I went to hell and back yesterday (flashback hike) and I am okay (e.g. integrated the flashback) - and HERE...typically, I'd be bed stricken for 1/2 to a full day or more.
See you in the threads.
Every day, I sense and feel the past still yet it no longer lives me; I use it to ensure I am my BEST ME in each moment. When I don't feel this - I hustle to my 'self-care' resources and gently figure out what need I'm not meeting and when needed ask for help...not an easy quest even now. You bet, I live completely differently than before, I'm worth it... and it's the outcome of re-learning whole-ness, unbroken-ness and beauty with scars. Most people I knew pre-recovery/ rebuilding phases are at a distance now or I've slowly disclosed parts of the past and waited to observe their response before wading in further.
During this journey, my underlying Resolutions to keep going:
1. NEVER be a Victim again
2. Once healthy, pay forward what I can to others
I'm thankful to find this forum where I hope to learn more about this community of truly amazing contributors and offer support how ever that unfolds.
Early on in my journey, a grand resource was consistent curiosity to partner shame, blame and judgement (eventually curiosity wins).
One of the biggest tools later in my journey: mapping where I'd been (helps to know where I don't want to return AND spaces to explore).
Here's an experiment in vulnerability to learn how we engage, honor and communicate, hopefully with respect: My Summary Map
Numb and Unaware
Majority of my life I was numb and ignorant of me (incest, bullying and sexual assault #1)
Broken
Enter 2011-2013, all I could see was broken-ness (sexual assault #2)
Broken & Beautiful
2014-2015 I learned how to acknowledge the broken-ness, judging every moment, and sensing beauty without capacity to see or touch it (divorce)
Beautiful & Broken
late 2015-Mar 2016, I can be in self-compassion and self-love for longer periods yet gravitate to self-judgement, self-disgust and inner abandonment
Beautiful
4/21/16, stated to Katherine [training colleague]: I went to hell and back yesterday (flashback hike) and I am okay (e.g. integrated the flashback) - and HERE...typically, I'd be bed stricken for 1/2 to a full day or more.
See you in the threads.
