Relationship Cptsd Partner Has Called It A Day, Very Confused And Hurt

[boodle]

My SO finished with me yesterday. My heart is breaking.

We were together 6 months, I know that doesn't sound long but after 3 months we were deeply in love with each other. We told each other regularly. We were very close and open with each other. Even two weeks ago she told her friend she had found 'the one'.

She told me she was diagnosed with CPTSD at the start, but I didn't really know much about the symptoms and didn't understand the severity of the condition. The first shut out happened after 3 months. We were staying at my house. I could tell she was feeling low/depressed but I wasn't sure why and she didn't seem keen to talk about it. She stayed up into the the early hours, drank two bottles of wine and fell to sleep on the couch. I was really worried and asked her around 4am if she wanted to come to bed. She absolutely blew up at me, hurling insults, really hurtful things and deep stuff that I had shared in trust. Saying how weak I was and blaming me for all kinds of things. Anything seemingly just to hurt me. It was so opposite of the person I knew and loved. I was stunned, hurt and very confused.

My SO went home the next day and shut me out for around a week. During the shut out I spent lots of time reading and finding out about CPTSD, trying to understand what was happening. There's a great book “CPTSD – from surviving to thriving” which explained a lot. From that point, between us we managed the shut outs better. Eg, I tried not to take the ranting so personally, she was sometimes aware a shut out was happening so used a phrase to give me a signal it was happening, I didn't react to the outbursts which stopped them escalating.

I thought we were doing quite well with things, even though the shut outs seemed to happen on a weekly basis, by not reacting to the initial verbal abuse, the shut outs seemed to only last for a day or two.

I put a lot into the relationship, lots of support and encouragement. I managed to not react to the abuse/blame when it happened which definitely helped. I was there when she needed me, I gave her space when she needed it.

Last week, late at night, my SO had some inspiration regarding her work as an artist. The first such thing that had happened for a long time. However, I was not in a good place emotionally and was in need of some reassurance. I spoke to my SO about how I was feeling, it was the first time I'd asked for emotional support in the six months of knowing her. This kind of stopped her inspiration and she blamed me for stopping something she enjoys doing. She went into another shut out then sent me texts saying I should be encouraging her and I was being selfish. At this point I forgot the idea of not reacting to stuff and Responded that I had always been supportive and encouraging. I'd never asked for support before even though I had needed it on many occasions and that I was sad she did not see what I had been doing to support her.

She said that after reading that it was clearly time to end the relationship. She said that I'm selfish and would never understand her as well as her friends do.

I realise it is coming up to the anniversary of her dad's death too which obviously is a very emotional time.

At the moment, I am very confused. Am I selfish? Am I being co-dependent? Am I deluded?
The one thing I am certain about is that I am heartbroken.
Please help.

 

[RecedingMoonlight]

Firstly, you're not being selfish for asking emotional support. A relationship, PTSD or not, is a two way road that requires compromise and communication. Many individuals with PTSD can struggle to offer support if they're struggling themselves, and are therefore not required to give support, but you blantantly asking for support after months of supporting her yourself doesn't make you inherently selfish. You are also not to blame for her "losing her inspiration." I might get a bit personal with this because my sufferer used to be the same and used to blame me for her inability to be creative for xyz reasons. It's not your fault.

For many, many supporters, they report the same "intense love" at the beginning of relationships it seems, until around the 3 month mark where that seems to leave. Keep in mind that this is also the same length of time a traditional honeymooning phase happens. It's not surprising.

You also don't seem to show signs of co-dependance. Co-dependance means you are unable to physically take care of yourself unless you recieve some kind of emotional validation from another, specific person, usually consistently. Considering you've been offering support while handling yourself well for six months, I think you're fine.

I know that in these kinds of situations, it can be especially heartbreaking, especially after dedicating months to another's wellbeing. Sometimes, things like this just happen. Lots of individuals with PTSD seek some kind of control in their lives, depending on the nature of their trauma. Sometimes, ways to initiate this feeling of control is to break up with signficant others, or lash out at family members in an attempt to control the situation and get individuals to react in a predictable manner. (Obviously this does not apply to all people with PTSD. Some wouldn't dare do this, and some just feel completely overwhelmed in the heat of the moment and seperate from loved ones due to panic and terror at being spoken to or confronted, since loved onces are normally the first ones to approach a person and ask what's wrong.) Know, however, that it's not unreasonable to ask a partner for emotional support. Sometimes though, especially with individuals with PTSD, it can be hard to ask for support when they, themselves, are emotionally struggling. Do you have any friends or family you can speak to and hang out with during this time? Surrounding yourself with people who care might help you get through this.

Best of Luck to you, friend. :)

 

[Jensen]

Oh dear, I really feel for you. I've been there believe you me, actually I am still there. In the beginning I genuinely believed she was a gift that could only have come from the angels. We had four incredible months then it all changed. She said that she was not as well as she thought she was and could not have a relationship. It hit me like an emotional earthquake, I found myself being accused of things I hadn't even thought of let alone done. I have been beaten up so often my head is not my own anymore.
But we still see each other, still text and phone, still keep up to date with what we both are doing. In fact we are out to a party later tonight. You say you're confused.
I am now stealing a phrase that was given to me here on the Forum I am in a "Friendship Holding Pattern" Apart from the occasional cuddle and lip peck the loving is on hold. There is nobody else, I have absolutely no idea how long it will last but I am still there hoping.
My heart goes out to you.

 

[boodle]

Dear RecedingMoonlight,

Thank-you so much for your considered and thoughtful reply, and for passing on your experiences. A lovely way to make a positive from what was a negative situation for you.

Thank-you for your reassurances, they have helped a lot. I have been pacing the room wondering what I could have done differently. I'm sure I could have been more skilful when asking for support but, it happened. I tried to speak to her about it but she wasn't hearing anything I was saying. I had to give up.

I don't really have anyone locally to talk to as I am quite new to the area, although I have just skyped with my friend from where I used to live. I also have a counselling session on Wednesday so there is some support out there. And of course, this forum and your help is invaluable too.

Thank-you my friend:)

 

[boodle]

Dear Jensen,

Thank-you for your supportive reply and for sharing your experiences. It does make you realise you are not alone here, although I am sorry you are also going through the mill.

The “Friendship Holding Pattern” is an interesting concept. I'm not sure if or how that would work for us at the moment. After she called it off, I received a raft of texts blaming me for everything. I did ask her that if we had broken up, then I would appreciate her not sending texts as its hard enough as it is. She has stopped sending them for a while so will see how it goes.

Thank you friend, my heart also goes out to you. :)

 

[RecedingMoonlight]

Dear RecedingMoonlight,

Thank-you so much for your considered and thoughtful reply, and for passing on...

It's no problem, my friend. :) I know that after months of trying to be compassionate and caring towards someone, seeing them lash out and want nothing to do with you is hurtful and all-round pretty shitty. PTSD or not, just in general getting slapped in the face after taking care of someone is just a terrible feeling. Unfortunately, hanging onto what could have been done does not change what did happen. However, it does enlighten you and provide a better insight, perhaps on what can be done in the future should a similar problem arise.

It seems here that her vicious anger is directed towards a desperate feeling for control. This used to happen to my sufferer as well. It's why I never, ever tell her my problems when she was in a good mood. Because if something negative presented itself, her anxiety and depression would basically cause another feeling of emptiness and uncertainty - even if it isn't related to her herself. She would end up being very, very angry and upset - because for once in many months she felt happy, and suddenly she felt that stripped away from her, like she could never get it back again, and it angered and upset her because it was unfair. Truth is, positive, happy emotions are attainable and are capable of being achieved, even if they are temporarily lost for long periods of time. But for a PTSD sufferer, envisioning the possibility of happiness returning is completely foreign since the presence of trauma is so prevalent. It could be another reason why she was acting aggressively - she felt happy for once and through bringing up negative thoughts and emotions, it vanished, and she could have sought for a way to fight back against these internal feelings by getting the source/causer of that original source to "go away". Unfortunately, once the deed is done, eliminating the source isn't going to bring back happiness. I could be completely wrong - please don't take my testimony at face value, I don't know the internal feelings and emotions of your sufferer. But, it is an experience I've learned from my sufferer that I thought I could share.

I hope that things get better. Pick up a new hobby, start something new. It tends to keep the mind preoccupied on more positive thoughts. I personally have a wide collection of adult coloring books that I've filled out for fun. :)

 

[boodle]

It's no problem, my friend. :) I know that after months of trying to be compassionate and car...

Wow, that is insightful and makes complete sense to me. I am still kicking myself for how I approached things at the time, but as you say, its done and cannot be changed. The positives are that I am learning a lot. I hope I can use this learning in a positive way for my sufferer. I don't know if she will come back, I hope she does but I am being realistic.

Thank-you again for your wisdom :)

 

[boodle]

Just to let you know, she texted today. We're meeting up tomorrow. A glimmer of hope.

Thank-you guys for your support on here.

 

[RecedingMoonlight]

Just to let you know, she texted today. We're meeting up tomorrow. A glimmer of hope.

Thank-you guys f...

Best of luck to you, friend!

 

[Jensen]

That's wonderful news Boodle, I wish you good luck too.

 

[ldj]

@boodle and @Jensen - I feel your pain and torment so much!! Each time I read posts like this, that I could so easily have written, it fills me with strength to know that I'm not the only one living this hell and heartache. But equally, it fills me with sadness and despair to think there are so many of us out there trying to make our love felt. And getting hurt in the process. It sounds like your relationships might still have a chance - you still have some contact. Good luck to you both! The door has well and truly been shut on me, however. In my heart, it's not over though. I won't move on. But I have to tell my head it's over so I can carry on with life in the meantime.
@RecedingMoonlight - "For many, many supporters, they report the same "intense love" at the beginning of relationships it seems, until around the 3 month mark where that seems to leave." This is an eye-opener! Gosh, is there really a pattern here?? Now that I think of it, lots of the posts I've read on here do say how amazing things were for the first few months and then BANG! It all goes wrong. Is this actually a thing? Do sufferers enjoy the initial romance of dating and then when things get too serious, then panic and run away? Hmmm. I keep trying to find a reason for why my partner suddenly flipped. What the trigger was. I had no clue he had PTSD when we got together. Nor did he. He'd talked about being depressed in the past, but I thought that was behind him. Things were so good for 4 or 5 months, then it was like he woke up one day a different person. So difficult to not feel like I was to blame in some way.

 

[RecedingMoonlight]

@boodle and @Jensen - I feel your pain and torment so much!! Each tim...

Honestly, it truly depends on the person. When I notice a "pattern", honestly, I feel this "pattern" is not related to PTSD at all, as much as it's related to what is commonly known as the honeymooning phase - it happens to pretty much everyone who's ever gotten into a romantic relationship ever. There will be a set period of time where feelings of intense romance at the beginning will feel exciting and passionate because it's experiencing romantic and (possibly) sexual feelings towards someone knew, which in turn, usually after a 3 month period, settles down from infatuation to a more long-term affectionate love. Many people like this long-term love because it gives a feeling of security, or a feeling of safety and trust within two people. However, that might be where the issue lies with many individuals with PTSD: the concept of "trust" is foreign and complete malarky to many, many sufferers, depending on the nature of their trauma. Once the adrenaline provided by the honeymooning phase is gone, the brain settles back to a 'normalized' state, or rather, the earliest state of mind that it can remember adopting before meeting said loved one. And this is where things can often get horrifying for sufferers: They have grown attached to a person. In the past, whether it due to loss, abuse, or what have you, attachment was seen as dangerous and a leading cause to pain. So, as a result, many sufferers can recoil, isolate, distance themselves or grow abruptly angry in attempts to defend or protect themselves, since they haven't yet learned to cope or address their traumas properly.

But, to be very fair, please don't take my word as the "ultimate godsend", because I'm just a supporter. I could be completely, totally wrong about everything I'm saying on the above, I'm just a university student after all and I don't know much about psychology or the short/long term effects of love in-depth. :P I'm just picking up bits and peices of information I've learned throughout the years by talking to my sufferer, and by just doing a bit of research on various things. Perhaps a sufferer themselves may want to weigh in more on the subject? Although I assume that these situations are all different for everyone.