Families Are Impossible

[Slh64]

I have finally pushed my partner to his limits. His children would come over I stay with us a couple days a week. It was half the time because I pushed him to have the kids 50 50. Since that time I have grown bitter of his ex wife and his ex mother in law. I greatly dislike them. This has and having a break down where I no longer want to be a part of the kids has push him over the edge. His argument is that he doesn't want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't want to be with his kids. He goes on to say his parents are his family, his ex wife and his ex mother in law are his family. I need to accept this I need to become more accepting and let go of the control I canno have. It's not my place as a stepmom.

It's not just the kids it's his parents also. They are so loving and accepted me the day they met me but I get so anxious around them that I'd rather not be around them. He doesn't want me around them because of how I might act.

It's come down to them or me. He will always choose them his family. I'm trying to work on this and started going to therapy. He's willing to give me another month but I have to show some major changes.

This sounds like I'm the victim here but I'm not. I have put him and his kids through hell by my vindictive mood swings and anger for the ex and anxiety attacks.

What can I do to prove I'm trying to change? What can I say to him that might help understand PTSD? He knows about my bad experience with my own family as a child and how f***ed up they've made me now.

 

[shimmerz]

If you don't like them, then do yourself and everyone a favour and find a man who doesn't have children. I have no idea whether you are a good or bad role model, but I can't help but think that your dislike of the children and the hostility that you have is bad for the children.

Why try to change? You don't like them.

 

[RecedingMoonlight]

In moments like these, it's important to step back. Take a deep breath, find peace of mind. Ask yourself: According to the facts on what has happened, what is the best possible outcome? What is the worst possible outcome? And finally, what is most likely to happen?

You are already doing what you can, since you are seeing a therapist. As hard as it is, him telling you that he wants to see change in a month is unrealistic. He needs to know that. Offer him some online sources to check out, or even link him to some stories about PTSD and the healing process. PTSD is not something that can be magically healed within a month. Heck, in the first month of healing, that,s when things normally end up feeling worse because confronting traumatic events and learning to file them and leave them in the past as opposed to projecting them in the present can take months, and even years to fully accomplish. Many people on this site have said that they haven't told their therapist about any of their trauma until at least about a year or two of seeing them. That says a lot about how slow a healing process actually is.

What is it that keeps you to your partner? What kind of love and affection has he shown to you? If he is constantly going to side with his family rather than you, that says a lot about him. Mainly that he doesn't see you as a part of the family, even if that's, theoretically, what an eventual permanent partner should be.

I know that in times like this, it can be very, very difficult to make choices, especially if you're reliant on someone financially, for example. However, if you believe that his advancement with his agenda (ei: getting custody over his kids) is damaging to your full recovery (your therapy and healing) then it's time to perhaps reconsider a few options.

Best of luck to you, my friend. I know that things can be very very difficult, especially in a situation like yours. Hang in there. You are worthy of love and kindness. :)

 

[Deleted member 541]

Life is about choices. You've made some really bad choices. I think it's time that you make a choice to put things right.

 

[Slh64]

I want to make things right. They were for about a year with all four of us but now I can't think straight without a warped reality. Being a step mother is very difficult on its own. Recently I've learned that the very thing I want the most, a family, is also the very thing that is causing my distress, my childhood family. I want to over come this. What do you do when triggers ARE your life? Has anyone had similar experiences with childhood trauma "rubbing off" on their current family? I don't want to accept that in order to come to grips with myself and my disorder that I have to live without a family and someone that loves me.

It's not the kids I greatly dislike it's the ex wife and mother in law. Regardless it's still his family and I must accept it.

 

[horsecrzygal]

Personally this a long range problem that I DONT see improving. Personally your husband should not being having a relationship other than cordial with the ex and family. He should be backing u, not them. Frankly IMO he isn't worth it. He isn't about u, the wife. He hasn't let go of the last family. jmo, BUT I think u need to move on.
Sarah

I want to make things right. They were for about a year with all four of us but now I can't think straigh...

 

[EveHarrington]

Are you in treatment?

You don't have your own kids so you don't know how hard parenting is, let alone step parenting which is often much more difficult. Yet you dive right in to half time parenting. (What were you thinking? I'm thinking you hated the ex from the get go and didn't want your partner to give in and let her have primary custody.)

You're highly symptomatic and yet pushed your partner to get 50/50 custody. This is probably a huge source of your problems, but can't really change this now without making the kids feel crapped on.

Please for the love of God divorce this man so his children are no longer subjected to this horrible dynamic.

I really don't understand your question about how to show big changes and fast. Healing doesn't work like this. I can't help but feel that you just want to find a way to fake it so your partner doesn't give you the heave ho.