Hi all, first post.
I was repeatedly sexually abused over the course of a year when I was 12 and started experiencing gradually worsening symptoms of PTSD when I was 15. I'm 23 now and identified it and began treatment a year and a half ago, but I've made hardly any progress and struggle a lot with alcohol and drug habits I picked up as a teenager as ways to cope.
Growing up I was a really happy, adventurous, talkative, free-spirited kid, but now I'm very reserved, severe, cautious and averse to being exposed or drawing attention to myself. I realized several months ago that for years I'd been unconsciously trying to avoid any stimuli I associate with the pre-trauma period of my life. The first instance happened when I woke up after a party at a friend's place and went into his back yard without a shirt on to look for my phone. I always wear pants and a jacket even in warm weather and feeling the sunlight on my back was unexpectedly seriously distressing. It was something I hadn't really felt since before what happened, when I was really carefree and used to run around all the time without a shirt or shoes. I realized that for years I had hardly ever thought about childhood memories, and that remembering them now made me feel sick and angry, especially if those memories were happy ones.
I won't swim anymore. I talk quietly when I used to be the loudest person in any room I was in. I can't be barefoot unless I'm in bed. I hate looking at pictures of myself when I was a kid. My dad put all of our old home videos on a DVD for my mom this Christmas and I felt sick to my f*cking stomach watching myself as a child, as this different person, and kept leaving the room until my family would yell for me to come back and watch whenever I was onscreen. Eventually I left the house and just sat in my car in a supermarket parking lot.
I hate seeing images of myself before it happened or experiencing any reminders of how I used to be. It doesn't so much remind me of the trauma as make me feel enraged at and envious of the person in the photo or video, because that isn't me anymore. It's a different person and I hate them for being what I should have been, and I hate that I'll never be the person they would have become. Does anyone else feel like this? It seems ridiculous to me that I look at a picture of me when I was better and feel like it's a stranger that took something that belongs to me.
I was repeatedly sexually abused over the course of a year when I was 12 and started experiencing gradually worsening symptoms of PTSD when I was 15. I'm 23 now and identified it and began treatment a year and a half ago, but I've made hardly any progress and struggle a lot with alcohol and drug habits I picked up as a teenager as ways to cope.
Growing up I was a really happy, adventurous, talkative, free-spirited kid, but now I'm very reserved, severe, cautious and averse to being exposed or drawing attention to myself. I realized several months ago that for years I'd been unconsciously trying to avoid any stimuli I associate with the pre-trauma period of my life. The first instance happened when I woke up after a party at a friend's place and went into his back yard without a shirt on to look for my phone. I always wear pants and a jacket even in warm weather and feeling the sunlight on my back was unexpectedly seriously distressing. It was something I hadn't really felt since before what happened, when I was really carefree and used to run around all the time without a shirt or shoes. I realized that for years I had hardly ever thought about childhood memories, and that remembering them now made me feel sick and angry, especially if those memories were happy ones.
I won't swim anymore. I talk quietly when I used to be the loudest person in any room I was in. I can't be barefoot unless I'm in bed. I hate looking at pictures of myself when I was a kid. My dad put all of our old home videos on a DVD for my mom this Christmas and I felt sick to my f*cking stomach watching myself as a child, as this different person, and kept leaving the room until my family would yell for me to come back and watch whenever I was onscreen. Eventually I left the house and just sat in my car in a supermarket parking lot.
I hate seeing images of myself before it happened or experiencing any reminders of how I used to be. It doesn't so much remind me of the trauma as make me feel enraged at and envious of the person in the photo or video, because that isn't me anymore. It's a different person and I hate them for being what I should have been, and I hate that I'll never be the person they would have become. Does anyone else feel like this? It seems ridiculous to me that I look at a picture of me when I was better and feel like it's a stranger that took something that belongs to me.
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