Childhood Does Childhood Abuse Always Cause Trauma?

[lostforgottensoul]

Imagine not knowing what it means to be freaked out or anxious. If you were to ask me how I feel emotionally right now, I couldn't tell you. I can look at the criteria all day long and see that some of my behaviors line up. Flashbacks to childhood? Check. Do those memories alter my mood in anyway? Nope. Think of your most traumatic memory and imagine feeling the same thing as thinking "2 + 2 = 4". Literally the only way I can describe my emotional state is by saying "I'm fine."

I dont have to imagine that, I know that WELL!

I grew up in a cult. I created "identities" that, at the time, had names so that I could say it wasnt happening to me, it was happening to them. That didnt lead to DID later in life but it did lead to a SEVERE disconnecting of me and my past. I talk about my past like Im telling you of the weather, boring weather. My therapist says "you are describing sadistic torture like you would tell me its raining" and I just shug.

I spent the first 10 yrs of adulthood in denial and the next 6 and a half so seperated from my past that it was literally impossible to feel anything about it. Its only since the last 6 months, the blame shifting to my abusers that started it, was I able to finally start to bridge the gap.

Do you have PTSD? I dont know and it would be very irresponsible for me to say yes or no, do you not have it because you are numb and disconnected, absoulty not!

I was quickly diagnosed with BPD, PTSD came a few years later and the only reason my therapist knew to go down that alley was the massive amounts of flashbacks I was having as when I first entered therapy with him memories were extremely fragmented. They came to me mostly by the way of flashbacks & some through nightmares. Now they are very crisp.

Am I delusional for thinking an adult can turn out unscathed by childhood trauma, or am I in denial over a diagnosis that seems reasonable compared to other poster's lived experiences? From what I can tell, it's only a mental disorder when it's debilitating.

Im actually answering this different.

I do not think one is fully "unscathered". I think some heal differently for different reason.

It is NOT a mental illness only when its debilitating! Could you have PTSD or any other mental illness? Absolutly! Could you not have it? Absolutly!

The answers will only come from time talking to a therapist and to allow yourself that time, however long that may be, to bridge that gap.

Not sure if this helps but hope it does a bit.

 

[Suzetig]

Will I admit my childhood was less than stellar and abusive on the rare occasion? Sure.

What you went on to describe after this statement was an incredibly abusive childhood. You don't need to have been sexually abused for abuse to have an impact - I would suggest that neglect, emotional abuse and physical abuse can have as bad an effect on child development, if not worse.

You talk about your girl friend being hit by a nuke (sexual abuse) while you were hit with an IED. I'm going to suggest your experience was more like sustained chemical warfare. No, you weren't blown up once and lost a limb, you were repeatedly manipulated, gas lighted and beaten, your parents weren't available for you emotionally and haven't taught you how to cope with strong emotions, so you just don't feel them.

If you think of you as a wall, it's your parents job to build you, brick by brick, to teach you how to cope when things go wrong, to teach you what safe, reliable, caring relationships look like, to build enough self esteem so that you have confidence in what you have to offer the world. I would suggest your wall is missing a lot of those things, and might be standing now but may collapse when tested. That's what @scout86 neant by saying it may crumble regardless of whether you are in therapy or not.

It's scary to start looking at this stuff, especially when you feel things are going ok. But then if you truly felt all was fine, I don't think you'd be here questioning whether all is ok with you. I don't know if you have PTSD. Ironically enough on a PTSD website, I don't know that it matters all that much to have a clearly defined label.

I do know the childhood you describe would set anyone up to experience challenges in adulthood. And I know you're already seeing some of those challenges - the question is how you respond.