Dom Violence Abusive Ex Husband Wants To Have Contact With My Family

[Beemo3780]

I wish I was just making this up, but it just got worse. My ex wasn't getting his way with the outcome of court, so now I'm going to trial in February where he apparently has 5 witnesses that are going to speak against me. I would like to know for what or who those witnesses are, because I don't talk to anyone that talks to this man. I left my hometown, and I never went back. I keep in touch with my friends, but have eliminated anyone else that has any connection to him. It's an absolute nightmare. He wasn't happy with the settlement order, so now he wants to force me to have to communicate with him, and be able to come to my new home, he wants to be able to go to my family's house when I am there with my daughter. It's insane. The fact that it is going to trial is insane.

This is what he wanted. He tried to take me to trial twice now. First time, he wanted a jury trial during my divorce. The judge told him no. He wants to be able to publicly humiliate me somehow and dragging his family and his girlfriend in to talk badly about me for him. He hasn't seen me since our last court date 2 years ago, so this is another way to be able to intimidate me because he paces by me and likes to stare me down. I haven't spoken one word to him in 6 years. He's tried several ways of trying to talk to me to get around the Order of Protection, none of which have worked.

So now, he gets to parade 5 people in a court room to talk badly about me and I'm probably going to cry, or throw up, or something horrible and I'm terrified. Men like this don't ever go away. I have a new life and I'm happy and he won't leave me alone. I don't know if he'll ever leave me alone.

 

[Deleted member 34561]

I'm really sorry you are going through this. It sounds like a bloody awful nightmare you can't wake up from. I had an abusive ex (my son's father) and he was just as evil as yours so I do know a little of what you are going through. I managed to shake mine off though because he proved he was an abusive drunk at contact (supervised by social services) with our son. They wouldn't let him see our son after that. So he gave up and left us alone. And when he came sniffing round 8 years later to try to see our son again social services sent him away with a flea in his ear. Finally 9 years ago he tried to make contact again and this time our son (by now 14 years old) agreed to see him. However it never happened because my ex had cancer and died before it could go ahead. Which I am eternally grateful for because if he had gotten hold of our son at the time he would have bad-mouthed me to our son and told lies about me to drive a wedge between me and our son. A thoroughly nasty piece of work just like your ex, except mine got his comeuppance in the end. I sincerely wish the same for you and your daughter. God bless xxx

PS its been a while since you last posted? any update?

 

[Beemo3780]

I'm waiting to hear back from my attorney. She is trying to get everything dismissed.

I found out that my ex's push for trial was 1 day after he received my certified notice that my husband and I bought a new house and moved 7 mins away from our condo. Nothing changed for my daughter except for her address. Same school and all that. So, clearly this is retaliation because he's angry. Apparently, he had hoped that if he bought a house that the court would give him custody automatically because we lived in a condo. We already had the plans to buy a home when my husband and I got married, we've just been saving money. My ex was waiting for his girlfriend to buy a house. She told my daughter that she had saved $1,500, which I'm sorry but that's not going to buy anyone a house.

I got a phone call from one of my friends from my hometown the day before Christmas to tell me that another friend's mother had died, but also told me that my ex showed up at the funeral and was asking my close friends to testify against me. Apparently, he and his gf were asked to leave the funeral very soon after that. I guess it got really weird.

I have been talking to a lot of my friends, and they all say the same thing. My ex is trying to make himself out to look like a great person, and is trying to get people to talk to him again by trying to make me look like a terrible person. He thinks that if he humiliates me in a trial, it will just prove all his crazy lies about me. Me existing how I do now is damaging his ego because it doesn't make his lies about me look very true. I've been forcing myself to keep the facts in my mind so he doesn't intimidate me, and I keep from setting myself into an over worried panic. And the fact that the people that know me are backing me up.

My ex used to tell me all the time that I was helpless, dumb, no one liked me, and that I would never become anything without him. He was doing me a "favor" by being with me because I was so terrible. I now see that as his attempt to destroy my self-esteem so I'd stay with him. He uses people for his survival, where as I am very independent and have only flourished since leaving him. He's stuck with no job, living off his mother and gf, and almost all of his old friends won't talk to him. They still talk to me though. He kept me pretty isolated, and since I got away, people have told me that they only invited him to hang out so that I would be there. I guess a lot of my closest friends figured that would be the easiest way to make sure I ok. He wouldn't let me go anywhere alone.

The only people he hangs out with now are not really wonderful people. They are drug addicts with criminal backgrounds. His best friend just was arrested for shoplifting. My friends are all young professionals, and I married a lawyer. I am active in our community and my daughter's school. My ex goes to drug filled parties with his girlfriend and gets into physical fights with people. He thinks that drug use is cool, where as I do not.

I'm just trying to stay positive, and have decided to work on home renovations to keep my mind off of things. Truth is, I'm terrified. But I have to stay strong and not let him destroy my life. He's not worth it.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@Beemo3780 The one thing a therapist told me years ago is..... "The truth ALWAYS comes out in the end. Keep your nose clean, do not engage, and the other person will always show their true colors."

Stay as calm as you can, don't engage with him, don't lose your cool, be polite even if it half kills you, and you will come out being the victor in this. Your ex will screw up in court and the judge will see right through him.

You're doing great... I know this has been hard on you, but keep your head held high....

 

[Beemo3780]

Thanks. It has been really tough because not only does dealing with all this give me PTSD flashbacks to his abuse when we were together, but it also causes a lot of anxiety related nausea and panic attacks. I've been managing the nausea with dramamine, and am working with my therapist to deal with the flashbacks, but there are days I don't function all that well.
My husband keeps reminding me that I have no worries and we'll get through whatever craziness my ex causes, but I feel really awful that my husband is dealing with all this in the first place. It makes me feel like a burden to the people around me, because I have a lunatic that won't leave me alone. My ex has already lashed out at most people that I'm close to. It's tough, and I have no choice but to stick it out, and hope my daughter sees her mom as a strong woman.

 

[Ladyghosthunter]

I read everything. This bastard wants you dead and the system can only handle so much of the issue. No one is willing to help you. All I'm going to say-if I was in this position, I do something to help myself. I wouldn't just stand there and take it. Eventually he'll get to everyone and God knows what he'd do to them if he doesn't do what you want. Just protect yourself, not by programs and that (insert ugly word.) PROTECT yourself. That's all I would say.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@Ladyghosthunter Yes, she is in a difficult situation, but advocating for her to take matters into her own hands is dangerous. Her ex is a complete nut job, and I suspect dangerous as well, so provoking him in any manner is ludicrous.

 

[Ladyghosthunter]

@Ladyghosthunter Yes, she is in a difficult situation, but advocating for her to tak...

To be honest with you, he's already provoked enough to pose an immediate danger to her. These kind of people will NOT stop until the person is dead. You damn straight someone should everything in their power to protect themselves as pieces of paper aren't going to protect you from a bullet, a knife, more triggers, etc. Even though I have PTSD, I own something that will protect me. I'm sorry if this offends anyone HOWEVER, as I said, a piece of paper will NOT protect you from that man from killing you. I think you need to talk to someone else about this as the problem seems to be escalating.

I've seen this behavior in men where the outcomes of such stalking and such ends up in tragedy. Go look at the news and read what happens to ex spouses when they let their exes back in their lives. I'm in criminal justice and I know as well as lot of others think this behavior on his part is malicious. When will it end? Think about it.

Protect yourself but not with some piece of paper or the courtroom.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@Ladyghosthunter I understand where you are coming from, and I agree that many men are just plain assholes, abusive pricks. But........... I also believe that to provoke them is just asking for more trouble. I think that the OP, is doing as much as she can to protect herself.

I think that maybe you are triggered?????

 

[Beemo3780]

I'm not sure you read my situation completely, LadyGhostHunter. My ex is dragging me into court, I'm not using the court system. I've already found it to be useless years ago. They will not protect me. My ex has been allowed to take plea deals in the past to stay out of jail. His physical abuse of me never seemed to matter to anyone. I'd find a helpful person from time to time, but still, when it comes to dealing with him I'm on my own.

Before I moved away from him, I had ADT and my house was like a fortress with 2 cameras outside the house. Now I live in an open carry state and we protect our home as much as we can. That's to protect me if he ever breaks in. I have safety procedures in place and I don't take my safety lightly.

That being said, I will never engage my ex in anything. My method of dealing with him is to stay away, not speak to him, and keep away from the people he knows and the places he goes. I do not use social media. I make sure that I don't ever publicly mention where I will be.

What he is asking for in court is to be able to go against all my safety plans. I have to wait until February and hope that the judge doesn't agree to this.

 

[Beemo3780]

Just an update, because it's actually kinda funny.

So we had to fly up to New York for the trial last week. After our flights, hotel and car rental, the 2 day trip cost us a mini fortune. My husband was a witness, so it was the two of us. My daughter stayed home with a family member for school and to watch our pets. It was the most ridiculous experience I have ever been through. It was a complete circus.

We got to court 1/2 hour early, my ex showed up late with his girlfriend and court appointed attorney. They were dropping off papers to withdraw their case. We got in front of the judge, and she was livid with my ex and his attorney. We flew up for a trial and he wanted to back out the morning of. She gave him a choice, either go ahead with his trial or he can pay all of our travel fees and legal fees, which would be close to $7,000. She kept repeating that he was wasting her time. But he went ahead with his trial.

It lasted 2 hours. He had to be asked to leave the courtroom twice because he was yelling at lawyers and the judge. He sounded like a crazy person. First he claimed that I was having a truck follow him around by his house, I live 400 miles away from him... Then he claimed I was brainwashing my daughter, but using examples where anyone would be at him for, it would be a normal reaction. Like for example, he once left my daughter at the airport for 2 hours, didn't pick her up when her flight came in. She was only 13 at that time. He used that and said that I was making her worried for no reason when he didn't pick her up on time. I live in another state, I was panicked that my daughter was at an airport and my ex wasn't there to pick her up. Any child would be mad at their parent for doing that.

He had emails that he was using as evidence against my husband saying that he couldn't communicate with him and needed to speak directly to me, but in the emails, my ex was swearing and calling my husband names for sticking to our custody order.

But my ex got really creepy when he started to stare me down in front of the judge who gave me a worried look. He said it was "necessary" to be allowed in my home, and wanted to coparent and have joint custody with me.

The outcome was perfect. The judge told him to stop trying to harass me. She said that he is not allowed near me or my home, and she was not going to change our custody order or give him anymore time. She told him that if he feels that my daughter and him don't have the type of relationship that he wants, he really has no one but himself to blame. She dismissed the entire case, and ordered my ex to pay the $1200 we spent in travel fees to get up there. If he doesn't pay by April, he will have to pay the full sum including legal fees. Neither my husband nor I had to testify. My ex was the only one who did, and his testimony was so crazy, the case was dismissed right after him. The judge kept saying that he wasted her time, and he would not be allowed to file anything else against me in New York. And not for the same stuff he's already filed for.

So, I hope that's done. I hope he'll stop this now. But I don't know... He looked unwell, he acted mentally ill, and I really don't know if he was really listening to anything the judge was saying to him. But for now, I'm happy with the end result.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@Beemo3780 OMG!!!! Funny, yes... But on the flip side of all of this, I'm so happy for you. At least you have the court in your court for now. I think the judge knows how crazy your ex is, and that will be kept on file too.

Good for you, for doing everything you needed to do, in a healthy manner!!!!!!!!! Really pleased and happy for you!!!