Viewed Child Porn On Accident, Reported, Now I Am A Mess

[Deleted member 12723]

You are authentic and quite real. I know where I stand with you which is a safety thing for me. You have wonderful qualities.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Awe, thank you @gizmo! :hug:s. I know I am super honest but that can be a fault I think.

I don't see any good qualities in myself. My therapist and I are still working on the first two attitbutes lol.

Sigh! My head is still all over the place. I settled a bit when I saw the link was dead. Which I had just remembered was on my clipboard when I copied & pasted on the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children site. But I'm still breathing fast and moving constantly and just, I don't know. I still feel very young too.

Sigh!

My past is still flashing. How many times I had to make child porn. How many times I couldn't do it "right" and the punishments that led to. How hard I tried to do it "right". How dirty it made me feel and how much I tried to scrub that off of me afterwards. The feeling again. It's a sick at the pit of your stomach feeling.

 

[pixel]

Even though you may feel dirty, I see someone with a pure heart.

Support to you :)

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Thank you @pixel! :hug:

I did some training with my service dog in training and then just cleaned the f*ck out of my kitchen. My back is killing me but I am trying to stop from getting high again which is what started it all last night.

Cutting urges are super strong. I'm just trying to stay as busy as I can and then put myself to sleep as fast as I can.

I f*cking hate living this way! So often I wish they'd just kill me and put me out of my misery! But then many times I am glad I survived until now so I dont know how I feel. I feel like getting f*cked up at the moment so just trying to let these urges pass.

I've been clean before but never without cutting. I've always cut or had drugs. When I stopped the drugs id start cutting again and when i stopped the cutting id start the drugs again. Ive never had a time i didnt have either one until now. Ive been clean two years until last night and free from cutting a few months so i was doing good.

I felt it coming. I had been talking to my therapist about the urge to huff the last few sessions. I knew this was coming. I just never saw seeing child porn on accident coming. That one was a blind spot T Bone train wreak for sure.

 

[Lola Nocheprieta]

I just want to offer you some support, @lostforgottensoul. I'm sorry you saw that and also for what you went through. I know what it's like to be tormented knowing that there are probably pictures and/or videos of you as a child out there for sick people to jack off to. :( I know how hard it is to fight those urges, to just do what you know works, the self-harm. I understand that your self-disgust is deeply rooted, but I also know we are just doing and feeling what was programmed into us from very young ages. You're just doing the best you can after one of the worst possible triggers for those of us that were not just abused, but commercially exploited.

Keeping busy is good -- that's another example of what @Friday said about mixing in new skills. Distraction is a learned and practiced skill.

Stay strong, lost. You have come so far! You are not actually dirty, you did not do anything wrong, you have nothing to be ashamed of. I try to remind myself of the same. Hang in there.

 

[Gs172003]

I'm wondering if you should just stay away from the adult sites of any kind period. There are plenty of ways to entertain yourself that don't involve that and it's not worth the risk.

I hope you get the help you need as quickly as possible as it sounds to me like you need it. I'm sorry it's so hard right now but one little girl could be saved because of you. Rest in that.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@lostforgottensoul I'm thinking and I'm sure that you already know this...... Getting high shouldn't be an option on your plate anymore. We tell people that drink and do shit, or get depressed and suicidal from it, that they should step away from it, so I think the same applies to this with you.... You need to understand (in a big way) that getting high, makes you do shit that isn't healthy, porn, cutting and then you spiral....

What triggered you to get high in the first place is yet another issue you may want to delve into....

Hang in there!!!!!! And BE KIND TO YOURSELF!!!!!!!!!

 

[Gs172003]

You said you huffed. People die that way. Whats worse than dying? Severe Brain damage. Please stop doing that. We care about you even if you don't care about yourself.

I'll leave you alone now.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I'm wondering if you should just stay away from the adult sites of any kind period.

I do. It was the first time back to it since i stopped the rituals. It doesn't really have anything to do with entertaining myself but playing out my past.

And i get "punished" afterwards for going there and doing that to begin with.

Getting high shouldn't be an option on your plate anymore

You said you huffed. People die that way. Whats worse than dying? Severe Brain damage. Please stop doing that.

I had been clean for 2 years before this. Doing the best I can to stop. It isn't an option on my plate, it was something I have been fighting for a few weeks and exploded that night.

It wasn't huffing. Though i did have a bad huffing addiction, that's not how I got high.

Doing the best I can guys. I am not defending anything I did. Only saying that i am doing the best I can. Shit rolling down a hill just caught up with me. I saw it coming a mile away and said so in the thread about reduction of therapy sessions. It was building and exploded at that point in time.

I've already "punished" myself for going there and doing that. Several times between the night before last, yesterday, and now today.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Keeping busy is good -- that's another example of what @Friday said about mixing in new skills. Distraction is a learned and practiced skill.

Oh, I see. Sorry, I couldn't see where I was using any new tools. I can see that one though.

Last night I had to keep myself busy with phone games and youtube videos and pintrest, just anything to get my mind off it and occupied.

Hmmm, it's intresting to see that I have deployed new tools. Thank you and @Friday for showing me that! :hug:s

 

[Gs172003]

I do. It was the first time back to it since i stopped the rituals. It doesn't really have...

you don't need punished. You need peace.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

you don't need punished

Comes from my past as well. It is done for "being bad" or "doing bad" which also includes human errors.

My therapist says the same thing and we go in circles about it.

Being able to change then stop one ritual and then by doing that stop all rituals has helped as I would punish for that as well. And then I was able to stop the majority of punishments. I'd punish for making someone upset, for doing something wrong at work, for every single possible "bad" and "wrong" thing I could or would do. So that has gotten better as I have been able to give myself a little bit of room for at least human error.

But it is a process that will take some time to stop completely and see it as unnecessary. It is has been pounded into me that I am bad and do bad and am animal so lower then human and i deserve less then human and get punished for being bad and just for being me and being alive.

Its hard to explain but im trying.