DiamondBug
Bronze Member
I have only just realised I need to probably tell my therapist about this. I have huge problems with food. From the texture to food contaminating other food by touching. I try and hide my eating from people, if I hear people walking around my house I'll hide in my room until it's "safe" to go and get food. I was treated like I wasn't worth food. My parents (mum and dad) regularly fed me extremely moldy food, I can remember this happening from about 4/5, it used to completely traumatise me, because I'd trust them and eat it then get really sick from it. I never got taken to the doctors. Now my parents (mum and stepdad) always comment on me making food because everything has to be to surgical precision, which embarrasses me. I can get quite protective over food, because I wasn't fed enough (about 1 meal a day) and my mum would seem to wait until I was nearly done then come in and steal the last of my food off my plate, leaving me that hungry I'd steal raw veg from the garden to eat as I hid in my room. I also sometimes have to sink to eating things that weren't edible like tissue paper, just to try and stop my tummy hurting so I could sleep. It's making me well up just thinking about it. I'm still underweight now but I think it's almost natural now because I've always been so tiny. I was abused in multiple other ways but this is really affecting me now. I am literally terrified of food. Sometimes I'll be eating and I literally can't swallow, i feel like it's going to get stuck and choke me, it sends me into absolute panic until I can get it out my mouth. I get scared that people have tampered or touched my food. If I find something in food that isn't meant to be there, my trust is completely broken and I can't eat for sometimes a few days, it gets that bad. I can't eat most foods e.g. Wet food, food with too many ingredients that I can't see. This is literally ruling my life, it's a control thing I think. I sometimes am too scared to even make food because of the cleanliness of utensils and space. Also sometimes I really struggle with whether things look edible or not, like I can make food and be too scared to eat it because I can't figure out if it's safe or not. I don't know whether this could be classed as some form of ocd? Or if people that have been in similar situations do this?
