Sexual Assault Blaming Myself And Making Up Excuses...

[Viv1198]

I feel like i was sexually violated or taken advantage of, but everytime I think about it a part of me tells me that I'm just trying to justify myself because this resulted in my bf breaking up with me.
I was at a party, very drunk and this guy was insisting on making out with me but I kept telling him no. At one point my friend told me she wanted to leave so I went upstairs to look for my sister and he followed me. My sister was in a room with a guy so he told me to help him look for his phone while she finished whatever she was doing. Foolish me followed him to a room and he closed the door and turned the lights off and insisted again and again on kissing me. I kept telling him no while i hugged myself and put my hand on my mouth but at one point he was on top of me kissing my neck and trying to use his force to get to my lips. At last he kissed me and pinned me to the bed so i couldnt fight back, but i kept telling him no. From this point on, it gets blurry but what I remember next is not having any clothes on and him telling me that I was his while I told him no. But then he started doing things to me and my body responded and i got confused because i didnt want to. And then he told me it was my turn to do something to him and I started to but then I said no and I grabbed my clothes but he stopped me and pinned me again to the bed and this time he penetrated me and i just felt numb and frozen. But then my sister knocked on the door and he stopped and I got up as fast as I could and grabbed my clothes and got out of the room.
Then the next day he had already told everyone that I had f*cked someone, he didnt say his name cause he has a gf too.
I feel dirty and violated but i feel like it was all my fault because i was weak, I didnt say no enough and physically Im not very strong.

 

[Deleted member 34328]

How long ago did this happen?
This isn't only sexual assault, this is all out rape! 150% NOT your fault!!!!!

Saying 'no' once is enough. You did everything right. He did everything wrong.

Have you told anyone about this? Filed any reports? It's a criminal offense and should be treated as such!

 

[Viv1198]

How long ago did this happen?
This isn't only sexual assault, this is all out rape! 150% NOT your fa...

It was a week ago. I feel so confused and a friend told me that it was my fault because I was drunk and I did stuff to him, so that meant that I did want to even though I said no later

 

[Deleted member 34328]

I'm more sorry than I can possibly put into words.

Unfortunately, I know how hard and confusing this feels. Regardless, how it feels and what it really is, isn't the same.

It doesn't matter what anyone tells you or suggests in any way. You are a victim of a terrible rape.

As a victim recently myself, I can tell you that although putting a real and accurate title to what happened makes the whole thing feel worse and more violating than we can process.

You've barely had time to even comprehend what happened. I would say be careful who you speak to and take council from.

You probably are struggling with self-blame and just numb all over. It's a nightmare that you can't wake up from. You will, but you'll need qualified, trained people to work with you. Validate your feelings and yes, walk you through the police system. That's the worst part for me. I'm only starting into that phase.

Please find a trusted friend who can properly direct you through the authorities and get you to an established crisis centre.

You NEED help, and you need it now!

 

[Viv1198]

I'm more sorry than I can possibly put into words.

Unfortunately, I know how hard and confusing this f...

I told my ex, he gave me the opportunity to talk to him and i thought i could confide in him. At first i thought he had believed me, i even told him who the guy was and because he knew him he knew what he was capable of. But then he started blaming me, telling me i was drunk and that i hadn't said no enough. He got really mad at me and told me that he didn't want nothing to do with me anymore. Now i feel even more discouraged to tell anyone, i just don't know what to do other than lock myself up in my house and cry.

 

[Deleted member 34328]

Awww no! He probably doesn't want to believe it. I don't blame you for wanting to hide away from the world. I went through all that. Sometimes still do.

Your X is your X. He's not your bf for a reason. Stay away from him! You are telling the truth and everything you feel is normal and right.

You did nothing wrong to permit this. You said no and should have been respected. You don't need to keep repeating it for it to be rape. Keep telling yourself that! You also fought back. That takes courage.

I still strongly encourage you to look up a women's crisis shelter. They'll be able to offer you many resources and help. Protection as well. Please try!

 

[TheMinsterman]

I'm not a sufferer myself, but having been in a relationship with somebody who suffered this sort of trauma, I definitely recommend you stay away from your ex for the time being, you really do not anybody reinforcing self-blame right now. It's so easy to slip into self-blame and the power of hindsight, if only you did x or y, but the reality is you said no, he ignored that request for his own gratification, you did nothing wrong.

I hope you can find some genuine support because you absolutely deserve it.

 

[Deleted member 34328]

@Viv1198 how are you?

 

[Viv1198]

@Viv1198 how are you?

I can't function properly. I've not been eating well, I have nightmares almost every night and I can't accomplish anything, not even the easiest task. I keep thinking about it.
And now I'm even more afraid because my ex talked to the guy and accused him of being a liar but obviously he denied everything again and said that I was a manipulative b*tch and asked my ex how could he believe me if I was the one who cheated. And because my ex has that mysoginistic mentality I think he believed him.
I then talked with a good friend of mine who is also a friend of his and she supported me and told me that if he didn't undestand the situation then it was better if I didn't get close to him anymore, like you guys told me.
I'm looking for a therapist but i can never find a good one in my town, and I feel like I'm going crazy and I don't want to go out because I don't want to run into him.
But I'd like to thank you for the support, I really feel like I can vent in here and that I will be listened and understood.

 

[Deleted member 34328]

I'm sure it doesn’t make you feel any better, but you are doing the right thing in sharing with your friend.

It would be more helpful to not focus on any information she may bring back to you regarding whether your x believes you. That won't help at all. In a sense, make it worse. I can say that from experience.

You need to focus on you.

Do you have a regular doctor that you would usually see? You may be able to get a referral from him/her. It might be worth it to start a thread asking anyone in your area how to go about getting the best help. You wouldn't have to share your story again, just ask the question.

Since I live in Canada, I don't have the knowledge of how things work where you are. Your friend will probably be able to go out with you as you are very correct. Leaving your home is frightening and makes you very vulnerable.

Consider what I have suggested regarding a second thread simply asking how to go about finding some help and proper support.

 

[Nymeria]

Dear Viv,
that is absolutely horrible and definetely rape.
If there's no psychologist in your town that could help you, maybe it helps to search for help online (web therapy).
Also, you did the right thing coming to this forum!

Your body and mind reactions are also perfectly normal. Take good care of yourself now. Your self has been invaded and now starts the difficult task to restore it.

What has helped me also a lot is listening to trauma-related podcasts.

My favourites are:

Heal my PTSD
The Trauma Therapist Project
Shrink Rap Radio (Trauma)

Also speeches from Peter Levine, Eckart Tolle and Pema Chödrön you can find on youtube.

Stay strong, you can get through this!

 

[Deleted member 34328]

Hi @Viv1198 it's been a little while. Just want you to know that I'm thinking of you. Have my email set to hear anything from you.

Post when you feel able.