Poll Are You More Angry At Your Perpetrating Parent Or Your Parent That Did Not Protect You?

[PaintedTurtle]

A parent's job is to protect. BOTH parents are responsible for this. So both are to blame.

 

[Heather]

I think I hate both of them equally

 

[Fadeaway]

It wasn't always like this, but I am more angry at my grandmother now days. I didn't really understand how big her role was in all of it. How she pretty much set me up and caused me to be excessively vulnerable and the fact she made my life a living hell for telling well into adulthood.

 

[J'qel]

My father dealt with chronic suicidal depression. I'm upset that I didn't get time to be a child, but I'm not mad at him-how could you be angry at someone who was so sad they didn't want to live? Between trying to keep him happy and trying to deal with my mother's issues and her abuse, it feels like I missed out on all the good stuff about being a kid. I was cooking dinner for us all at 12. I did the cleaning, the washing up, holding my mother's hand when she went off the rails and broke down, got abused and had to mitigate my sibling with substance abuse issues in the famil to keep it all from exploding. I feel like I was being the adult from about seven and on.

I feel like I was robbed, but how could I ever blame my father? He's the source of the few of my happy memories of childhood (on his good days, he was a great dad). He's also the only one who ever stood up to her in a rage. Only once, but I will always remember that once over all the times he fled or stood aside.

 

[Jadie Rose]

My father dealt with chronic suicidal depression. I'm upset that I didn't get time to be a child, but I'm...

J'qel, From all you wrote above, it seems our lives mirrored one another!! So glad to meet you on this forum:) Sorry to hear you had to go through ALL that, I did, too, so I know exactly how it all feels. Thank you for sharing!!

 

[J'qel]

Small world, no?

I'm still not sure if I should try and "get back" a childhood or if I should just continue on. I've never gotten far enough with a qualified T to find out which is better. Honestly, the whole thing kind of puzzles me.

Maybe I should start following you around the forum to see what you've learned and between the two of us we can compile some answers :P

 

[Jadie Rose]

Small world, no?

I'm still not sure if I should try and "get back" a childhood or if I should just conti...

Yes, my sweet and smart friend, let's do! I'm sort of in a hypnotic state right now after the event you just helped me snap out of so i will message you tomorrow, some more, to discuss :hug: TY, my friend, for what you just helped me get out of!!! You are extraordinarily fab :)

 

[J'qel]

Hon, you're fab, and you know it. I'm glad I could help :)

 

[turtlemoon]

Honestly? Both. Because my biggest perpetrator and the one who did not protect me are the same person. My mom doled out abuse my entire life, and still to this day will not protect me from the men in her life. She was with 3 men during my childhood, and then years later I was dumb enough to take her in (for 3 years), and it was the same thing, but on steroids. She would put me through all kinds of psychological abuse, and then expect me to shelter whoever she was with at the time and deal with their controlling BS. I did not, and she made sure I paid for having a boundary she couldn't cross. She even blamed me once when a relationship didn't work, after she went on a craigslist date and spent 4 days on some dude's couch complaining about me. Ended up in another state, where the man she is currently with has made akward comments to me repeatedly. (Maybe I will marry you instead of your mom, asked if being my roommate included benefits when i was on speakerphone with mom talking about problems with my current male roommates and them being sexually innappropriate, then posts on my social media about how skinny dipping would be a great way for him and I to get to know eachother... these were literally my first e interactions with the guy). He hit on my aunt too, but my mom only laughed it off then told me to stop being so full of myself. I was also molested as a young child, and she knows this.

 

[James McGregor]

I'm asking this question because I struggle with whom I should be more angry with... My father emotionally...

Strange one for me. My mother was both the perpetrator and the one who didnt protect me. At least in my head. I was emotionally neglected, physically never - which made it hard to come to terms with, for years i didnt think anything was wrong. Therapy has helped me see that my neglect has helped set me on the road to many problems i have now. A few other things like a car accident and assault and attempted abduction just helped solidify things i guess

 

[beautiful heart]

i was angry at my mother my whole life and i could never properly understand why and made myself wrong a lot for not being able to have a good relationship or feel and be like a daughter should - all i knew was that i was really f*cking angry ... i spent a long time trying to understand life and also deal with my problems with relationships, substance abuse and just generally derailing sometimes and not being able to get my shit together ... i could never work it all out and made me wrong a lot ... about two years ago I had repressed memories surface and I recalled the sexual abuse by my mother and two of her brothers - it sometimes seems like out of some sort of weird surreal movie except that i got a really good counsellor and was able to work through things as they surfaced like freight trains of emotions and memories. i couldn't sleep at night for almost a month because i was so terrified and i realised that i was actually terrified my whole life near her and it was constantly being triggered. The anger just masked the horror and as I've unravelled things i realised she has NPD and realised what this means and it explains a lot of my whole life. My whole life has begun to make sense and even though the sexual abuse caused massive trauma, her crazy f*cked up head games and covert narcissism really messed me up and damaged my self confidence and sense of self. I've worked through an enormous amount of it and healed a lot, begun to learn to love and nurture and accept me and the ptsd has reduced a lot (and what is ptsd that i never had a name for - like feeling cyclones inside me) I also have realised more about my dad and his background and what lead him to be with her and also be distant and not realise or protect me - i do think that on some level all non-perpetrating parents know and as the counsellor said to me 'if a child has someone they can trust, they will tell' made me cry ... the thing is that i felt at least protected when my dad was around, i know he loved and loves me (as he is able) and he did stop her a bit with her covert f*cked up narcissistic bullshit and take a lot of the fire ... i think because i needed him around it wasn't safe to admit how angry i was at him - i've got in touch with it more and more - looking at the anger with my dad is how i found this forum - it's really helpful and healing in a weird way reading everyone's stories - thanks - with the anger, i know it hurts me and i can feel it in my body and i'd love to acknowledge it all and release it - through the anger i also love my dad and our relationship has got a lot better and i think it's important to be honest with me and emotionally honest which is difficult and be able to show up like this with others - it's hard because i think my emotions were controlled and suppressed by both parents - i've just been reading Alice Miller's 'the drama of the gifted child' which i'm finding useful ... and i voted for both of them - f*ck them! (just a little bit angry i guess ) i'm angry that they both hurt me and that neither of them were there for me the way a child needs, that i felt like the parent emotionally and protected them and that they weren't the way parents should be and how i am beginning to realise that i deserved

 

[Hallie]

My dad was verbally abusive throughout my childhood; he also had a volatile temper. It wasn't until I was about 13 years old that he started to molest me. Eventually I told my mom and the abuse stopped. However, she blamed me for coming onto him.
It wasn't until I've been married several years that the memories resurfaced and I realized how sick it all was. I confronted my mom whose response was anger towards me. I never could confront my dad. I ended up seriously depressed and confused. At 13 I didn't know about sex; had a strict Catholic upbringing. I grew up in the repressed sixties. I've been depressed off and on all my life.
Both parents are dead now and my mother finally acknowledged what happened to me before she died. The sad part was that not only was I abused but I was also blamed for it. Can a child ever forget?
I'm a more angry at my mom.