I have been too much alone. For too long. It's changed me.
I don't need people in my life. I want them.
Just not that many, or that often ;)
But deeply & profoundly.
***
I'm one of a few people here on the forum that I know of who has gone bush. In my case, not that long. Some people have gone years. Decades even. For me? A few months here, a few months there. I always intended each time to be forever, but come to find? Forever is a really long time. The first time I was doing badly I used to cycle. Work for a few months, party a few months, be alone a few months. Rinse lather repeat. I can't even begin to count the number of times I just stuck both middle fingers at the world, or my life, and walked away from it. I always came back. Sometimes on my own, sometimes someone would come drag me out (my own fault, if I hadn't told them where I was at, they couldn't have, as it was about half a days walk down the beach from the nearest anything-people), sometimes I was doing the alone-in-a-crowd-thing (city hopping, my halfway version between backcountry & member of society) and tripped and fell into friendships/lovers/obligations homes/jobs/responsibilities. But whether I was miles away from anywhere, or just catching the next train/plain/boat going who knew where... I always came back. Not to a place, exactly, but to trying. Eventually I learned how to just "be" back. It took years. I was reeeeeally broken at the time. TBH I'm not that better now than I was then. I'm just trying to do things differently. Seems to be taking longer, but moderation & balance is a bitch like that.
This time? I've been fighting like hell not to go back to that pattern. I'm not good at it. This middle ground stuff is really f*cking hard for me. It doesn't parse. Doesn't make sense. I was too much of a wild thing, for too long, I think. Before I found this forum I was reeeeeally close to walking away again, and there have been a few times since that I've gotten that close, again. Promises. Promises. Damn them. Same. I keep my promises, or die trying. And I made promises.
But it's been the people in my life, then & now, that have changed me for the better. My times alone may have made that *possible*; but it was never just me that out me back to rights. It has always been the influence of some truly extraordinary people, in my life, at the right time. I've also come to the vexing realization that I'm simply better around people. More myself in a team than solo. & Best partnered up, but c'est la vie. Can't have everything. :P
There's a quote on the forum I hold on strong to when things get hard. When all I want is to be in the wind:
"Depression and trauma are disconnective disorders. They do not improve in isolation. To fix them you have to be connected to others."
