When Is It A Good Idea To Pull Back At Work?

[theshadowoftheliving]

Essentially, without specifics, I managed to get hired two years ago into a really competitive, high-profile, fairly public, position for which I don't have the proper credentials. Someone took a chance on me and now my credentials don't matter (on paper) as I have the position and keep having contracts renewed.

I wrote about a bad review last December that really shook me. I got three more terrible ones, and, to boot, they are online, public, and connected to my name. There is nothing I can do to get them removed.

The problem is my dissociation has been really bad and I don't always have access to the part that works, so I can't really use it as an opportunity to improve or change things. I don't know how to do better when it doesn't feel like "me" whom is working. I don't know how to fix this.

I'm starting to wonder if the solution would be to pull back at work. Do less. Take on less. The financial implications would be terrible (especially with the ACA in limbo). But I'm worried that I'm harming my career too much by continuing if these reviews keep happening.

Does anyone have any experience in this? Has anyone purposely stepped back from work to focus on therapy and healing? Is this helpful or is it more helpful to just keep pushing through?

 

[Cannottakethis]

How far of a step are you willing to take? My cptsd was affecting me and my high profile job with heavy client interaction (all over the phone) to the point that I came in one day and couldn't use the computer system that I'd been using for 2 years. I just forgot what to do. That was in 2013 and was my last day of work. I'm now on disability and although it's been a bitter pill to swallow, it's been so much better for me mentally not to have that kind of pressure on me.
But that's the extreme. And I'm married so I have financial help and insurance from my husband. But you can get Medicare if you go on Social security disability.

What I did in the past was cut hours. I went from corporate to consulting and cherry picked the best assignments that I knew I could do well without making myself stressed. Can you raise your rates at all? I know that seems like an odd thing but in my experience (human resources and recruiting)
People often sell themselves short and don't charge enough.

As far as the evaluations, who is seeing them besides you?

Sorry for all the questions. Just trying to help.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

I have no financial support other than what I bring in myself. And medicare is great, but that's what's at stake in the current political environment and I don't want to make a decision that will destroy my future based on a program that may or may not continue.

I can't cut hours until the beginning of summer, when my current contracts run out. That's tough, and there isn't anything I can do about it. The question is more how I can plan moving forward as I take on (or don't take on) new contracts.

Pay rates are fixed in my profession, governed by unions, so asking for a raise won't do anything at all.

The world sees the evaluations; they come up under a google search of my name.

I'm just so tired and unable to even think straight today to get a head start on the week. My brain gets fuzzy even trying to plan this. I'm not the one who is in charge of work stuff. But she thinks everything is fine and keeps plowing ahead, and that's what's getting in the way of everythign else.

 

[J'qel]

If finances and healthcare are an issue, inasmuch as you can't afford to take too many less hours-I'd suggest looking into stress relieving hobbies. If you prefer something more sedentary, maybe meditation. If you'd prefer something active, maybe a contact sport.

I'm afraid I'm in canada, so being without necessary care is a nightmare I have never had to face (thankfully). While I have stepped back, I don't know when, or if I'll be able to get back in. I, unfortunately, waited until I broke (don't do that-is bad!!).

My husband and I did have a few rough times, but we had a bit of a cushion and while we did dig ourselves into debt during that time, he was fully supportive of my needs ( <3 ), as I was supportive of his at the time. We're also pretty low maintenance people, so we could cut back on a lot of our extraneous expenditures to save costs.

We're doing much better now, but for a while it was hard. It has been worth it though, because he's been able to return for his master's and is doing well. He's been a research assistant for a prof and done some light TA work for her (minding classes and grading papers).

It *can* work, but you will probably need to assess your lifestyle and decide what works for you. Can you get by on less? How much less? What are your incoming and outgoing finances? Will your spouse (should you have one) understand-can you talk to them about it? What is your support structure and are there programs you can get involved in should you need them?

Take a look around. I expect that there are programs that could help if you want to slow down and take a step back, but I'm not sure what or where that would put your health insurance. Again-no experience here.

I hope you can work something out soon.

 

[Muted]

Essentially, without specifics, I managed to get hired two years ago into a really competi...

I don't understand why they're online, isn't an evaluation confidential? Or maybe I misunderstood something...

Have you tried to get them removed in any way?

I did once years ago when I was in a complete disassociated state and had no other choice. It took me a few years to be able to function again, but went through additional trauma in the process. I also had a t that made it much worse and then I finally quit going. I started getting somewhat better, but hadn't worked through the trauma.

I had to go back to work, because we needed my income. After a year or so I started with my current t that has truly helped me so much. However, we are to a point I can't go deeper because I am struggling as it is with all of life's demands and my job takes everything I have just to get through the day.

I think it would help so much to be able to cut back on hours or be able to resign. But, financially we wouldn't be able to make it for long and we definently would be able to afford therapy. So it's kind of a lose lose situation for me. I know in my job the work load always only increases so it's not an option to not take the tasks in my department.

I think people can push through to a point, but eventually they're only further harming themselves (depending on their situation). And also, is more damage happening even indirectly to your family as a result of you working...

There are so many aspects to consider in this situation and that makes it difficult.

I do think if you can financially do it and not be stressed about the lack of income then it would be extremely beneficial.

It sounds like you are struggling at work and if it's making your symptoms worse it's kind of hard to heal. I refer to it as trying to undergo surgery in the middle of a battlefield....

I wish you the best.

 

[Suzetig]

I did it a couple of years ago - left a very senior job in my field and went into training and consultancy, took the pay cut and loss of reputation etc. I was a complete mess when I left the job - couldn't manage my emotions and was triggered all of the time. Simply put I was all over the place in a job where keeping my head screwed on was essential.

Pulling back meant I was able to keep working on some level while going through therapy. The financial implications were huge and we still need to manage money very carefully but I'm happier and my mental health is more stable than it ever was.

I've also been able to start a new business and begin a specialist course of study - it took about a year before I was stable enough to move forward with these things but I feel I'm building on a much steadier foundation now.

I didn't think we'd manage the lower income but actually it's been ok. We've needed to tighten our purse strings and that's taken adjustments but it was ok and worth my health.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

I'm single, and I don't have a family I can or want to ask for support. So, my ability to live independently and take care of myself has to take precedence. But I'm struggling and this whole thing is in my way as far as how deep I can go in therapy since it seems to take all my resources to manage the every-day.

I feel stuck. This job is killing me. But, this job is also why I'm not homeless and it is the reason I'm actually saving a little money (but not enough to quit working; I could survive a month or two or maaaaybe three if I unemployed). So, I have to keep working, but at the same time my ability to work effectively is compromised.

I just don't know what to do.

 

[Arebas]

Can't you maybe try to communicate with the working part? Find a way to make her see and understand the reviews so she can adapt? Maybe print them out and write what you think you could do to improve the performance or how badly having those connected to your name affects all of you and make sure you bring that with work with you so she can see it.
I am not sure if you feel like maybe there's something that part can do to change things or you just wish to get out of that job altogether. Either way, if that feels like a move she has to do on either direction, then it's important that she knows how it affects you.
Sorry I can't be more helpful here.

 

[Muted]

Would you be able to still afford therapy?

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

@Gia1019 No. That's the kicker. And my therapist only takes one insurance, which really limits me.

I also don't know if I want to continue in this job. I just know that it is what gets me external praise from others, and is what my schooling, etc has been leading up to. To give it up would be to give up so much of what defines me. But I'm not sure I want to keep doing this. I don't think I do, sometimes, but then other times I feel like it is such a good decision.

I don't know what I want. That's the hardest part.

 

[Muted]

@Gia1019 No. That's the kicker. And my therapist only takes one insuran...

Sometimes it's just not worth it anymore and sometimes in going through therapy you really figure out what your priorities are.

I get this, because I'm in a similar situation and it is so incredibly hard to decide.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

I just hate that not working means no therapy. I wish I could pull back and know that I could continue working on my therapy. But that's not the case, and that's scary.

I'm panicking. I'm so nervous about everything right now.