Relationship My So/exso Has An Abusive Friend

[TheMinsterman]

So tonight, my suspicions were confirmed. My So/ExSO told me a lot about her "friend" she has, without really divulging all her private details (that's unfair) suffice to say, they're possessive, controlling and abusive. They read her phone, including our discussions, tell her she's stupid, tell her to just smile and get over her PTSD, are generally just not understanding, get upset at her for not just getting over it etc. That's just a droplet, suffice to say this person is toxic.

I feel as though that as our relationship had some issues, they were there and supportive during a time I couldn't be as that has a lot of credit in her bank, though it's clear she is seeing their behaviour more for what it is.

I remained calm and I just listened, last time she shared some about it I understandably got very worried, but then that made her feel in danger and unsafe and upset and that's what started the shut down that led to my joining this website. We spoke a lot tonight about how she needs to make decisions and see things for herself, I feel this is the same, she needs to see their behaviour is wrong, not have me tell her.

I am at a loss and I apologise for yet another thread, but I need some genuine help. I don't want to "lead her to the water" etc, I know she needs to come to realise she deserves better of her own accord. I am though, understandably worried. She lives 3 and a half hours away, she's obviously been pushing me out and away but I'm concerned about how she's been treated.

What have you done about SO/ExSO with other people in their life who are abusive and mistreat them?

I can clarify I am 100% not exaggerating, this person will not help her recover, period. They're probably why her recovery is stalling so badly, she's cried most of the last two weeks.

 

[Eagle3]

I must admit, I was living with a guy who did this to me, under the guise of "training" (he was my Martial Arts Instructor and I was his top-ranked student). Even though people told me he was bad news, I wouldn't listen until the damage got to a point where I could NOT be in his presence without a severe reaction. It took about a year of therapy and hanging out with people who didn't treat me like crap to see what was really going on and be able to call it what it was. I'll still defend the a**hole, but abuse is abuse, and I had to leave or be even more damaged (physically and mentally) than I already was. There are still days I'll text him, but I soon realize he never really cared about me at all. Now I have to repair the damage.

I'm sorry you're in the middle of that. Its never fun for those watching, because its up to the person being abused to leave. If it gets severe enough there are legal things to do, but it will probably damage your relationship with SO for quite some time. Basically, they need to be able to see how bad things really are. To this day I still don't care about the mental damage, its the physical that convinced me to leave, not because I feel any sense of self-worth, but simply because I couldn't train anymore, and Martial Arts is my only reason to live. He was destroying my reason to live, and it became a choice of stay and die, or leave and heal enough to find a new style.

This is a difficult place for you to be. I'm sorry for you and for the SO having to deal with that "friend", and hope you guys can find a way to distance yourself from the person without damaging y'all's relationship too badly...just get counseling as soon as possible. It really helps if you find the right person.

 

[boodle]

So tonight, my suspicions were confirmed. My So/ExSO told me a lot about her "friend" she has, wi...

In times of shut-out, I was glad of my ex's friends as they seemed to support her, however on reflection I do see that one controlling friend in particular is being manipulative of her as she was fearful of losing control since our relationship began. My ex could not see this so intervening in the situation would have had a negative effect.

In your situation intervening could make your SO/Ex-SO distance more. I think in any situation where someone is manipulated by/abused by/addicted to another person, rational thinking goes out the window. They show an irrational loyalty to the abusive person. They will have to see the situation as it is before they realise. The positive thing is that she does seem to be coming to that realisation. This is just my thinking, but holding back, remaining patient and demonstrating your care, kindness and reliability may be the way forward. By what you say she IS starting to realise.

Good luck my friend

 

[TheMinsterman]

Thanks @boodle, you're correct, she does on occasion still excuse their behaviour (i.e. but they really care) and even feel a little guilty "moaning" about it to me, but it's clear to me this friend, regardless of any positives, is manipulative, controlling, disrespects her and is a very negative influence. A few moments making her laugh and caring doesn't erase that behaviour in my eyes.

I am hoping she is going to come to this realisation sooner, rather than later. She's come to me with this three/four times now, first couple were just brief but this is the second time she's opened up massively and shared a lot. She even said "If I posted all this on one of my groups they'd be telling me to run", so I think she can see the behaviour is bad and unhelpful.

I really think this is a massive contributing factor to the distance between us, she can't even have privacy on her phone so no wonder our conversations go dead and it makes me feel uncomfortable knowing what I am saying to her isn't private.

I won't lie, I'm incredibly concerned, I am deliberately not showing that so she feels safe speaking to me, but this behaviour is incredibly disturbing to me and I feel will continue to make her feel really bad. My worry is, how long will she take to truly recognise this for what it is, abuse, and what on earth can we do about it.

She's welcome to live here, several hundred miles away, for as long as she wants or needs, but I feel very... I don't know, pushy to suddenly start telling her that. She is at this campus until at least May in her halls of residence. I'm very worried about what it will do to what was once a very close bond we had, it's already had a impact.

I'm keeping calm with her, keeping the conversation safe, but I'm just.... all over emotionally. It explained so much, why she goes so quiet sometimes (not just isolation, her phone been taken off her, her messages read), why she is so stressed etc. I feel like she has PTSD to cope with and this other person is also stealing her "true self" and repressing her.

 

[TheMinsterman]

I must admit, I was living with a guy who did this to me, under the guise of "training" (he was my Martial...

Thanks for the reply. It's very difficult, I've had to watch her get abused by several men under the guise of "friendship", such is the difficult of being long distance, I'm not around, because if I was there's not a chance in hell this behaviour would be getting anywhere near her. I feel very powerless, like I just have to sit here and watch and wait, in December we were definitively boyfriend/girlfriend, now we're iffy who knows what and she's tangled up with an abusive friend who is so controlling and possessive.

I appreciate their are legal routes if needed, I think she's seeing the behaviour for what it is gradually, but I'm very worried about her getting in too deep, it's already had a massive impact on our relationship. We've known each other for almost a decade, I can't bear to see another person mistreat her, it kills me inside. What's worse is, I can do nothing. If I share my concerns my fear latches onto her and she rejects me more and isolates, with this friend.

I'm in this hard position of I'd drive down there at a drop of a hat, collect her and let her live with me for as long as she needed, but I can't really tell her that, not just out of the blue. Yet, she has a "refuge" here, one where nobody would know where she is, where she could truly heal and get some space (I'm not trying to get her up here for my benefit).

I'd do anything for her, but I am so scared she will get in too deep and be unable to get out, no matter how much she realises that she needs to.

 

[boodle]

M

Thanks @boodle, you're correct, she does on occasion still excuse their behavi...

@TheMinsterman Before I comment further, may I ask, and please don't feel pressured to answer it, has your SO/ExSO's had abuse in the past?

 

[boodle]

Just read your latest post, and realised we'd crossed in the ether... but was abuse the source of PTSD? Again, please don't feel pressured to answer.

 

[Mon15]

This is hard advice to give, because you don't want to push them further away. In my opinion, the best thing you can do is listen and if she says she doesn't like how her friend is making her feel, reassure her that you are there for her. When she comes out of her isolation, maybe then you can talk to her about how her friend does her using her own words. Your S/O is going to have to be the one that realizes that friends is not a friend and will have to cut those ties themselves, you can't do that for them although you know it is torture to/for them.

I just wish mine had friends to confide in. He has very few close friends, but they have no idea about his PTSD or our relationship issues that arise (which are very few, just the two months out the year when the PTSD rears it's ugly head and ruins what he calls a perfect relationship).

 

[TheMinsterman]

Just read your latest post, and realised we'd crossed in the ether... but was abuse the source of PTSD?...

Just out but to confirm without too much details, yes abuse is part of her PTSD. She's had a lot of bad men in her life.

 

[Sweetpea76]

You can't be responsible for her bad decisions. She's an adult, right? She's not tied up in a room somewhere forced to hang out with this person? Why is she choosing to hang out with them if they are like this?

Don't fall into the supporter trap of treating her like a child or porcelain doll.

Be an ear, listen to her when she needs to talk. You can't fix this. She has to fix it.

 

[TheMinsterman]

You can't be responsible for her bad decisions. She's an adult, right? She's not tied up in a room s...

Don't get me wrong, I certainly don't feel responsible for it, she chose to open up to this person and invest themselves emotionally into them at a time she was closing a door on me. I know I can't "rescue" her, I don't think she's a child or anything like that, I mean it's pretty clear the cogs are turning and she's reticent that the behaviour isn't respectful or acceptable, I guess it's still that difficult stage people who are being abused go through where they excuse the behaviour "because they care" or whatever else.

Why is she choosing to? I suspect because she feels he's her only "ally" down where she lives. That frustrates me because I've always been her "ally", I've never judged her, I don't think she's a weak mess, I don't give her "I told you so's" when she f*cks up, but it feels like because they were there with support when we started to have our "downward patch" that she let it blind her to the shitty behaviour. She's mentioned before that abuse, mistreatment is just what she knows, there's a weird comfort in it because it is normality, she always found my behaviour a little confusing because I never hurt her or expected too much of her.

 

[TheMinsterman]

This is hard advice to give, because you don't want to push them further away. In my opinion, the best th...

Thank you for the post @Mon15, time seems to always be the answer in so many things PTSD related. I appreciate my fears about it just being too late and getting too far gone are my own, she isn't useless, and she's brining it up more frequently so it clearly bothers her and it clearly upsets her. She's not stupid, I guess she just needs to come to terms with the fact that anything "nice" he does can't outweigh his behaviour, the fact he has always had feelings for her for me erodes it even further because of course you're going to be "nice" when you want something from it.

I understand I can't do it for them, I guess I am just at a loss at how to express my support and demonstrate I am there if needed without being quite forward and blunt about it. It's taken a lot of effort to get back to this stage again, knowing what I know now I definitely don't want to trigger anymore isolation, because it is 100% clear she won't be around anybody positive to her recovery.