Relationship Good Days They Want All These Things With You And Then Bad Days It's The Total Opposite. Why??

[Mon15]

I get it. I've been in the hole since October and I'm only now climbing back out of it. Yes, abou...

@desiderata310 I hope and pray that you can get out of the hole soon and can get back to normal day to day tasks without it feeling like a burden!

No, my S/O is not in therapy, nor does he talk to ANYONE about anything! He keeps everything to himself, which is not healthy- I would explode if I did that! He did admit the last time we had a heart to heart talk that he knows he has a problem and that he needs help, hopefully he'll take what he's said and get it.

 

[Mon15]

If it helps, me and my SO/ExSO (I hate typing it that way but it's so unclear) stopped speaking f...

@TheMinsterman I'm so glad to hear that your S/O (we'll leave it at that, I'm in the same boat with status) has opened up the communication line! It's extremely hard because they tell you they want to be alone, but then wonder why you don't text them. Half the time I don't know what to do except take it as it is and if he communicates, go from there. I've been following your posts and I know how you feel! Hugs and best wishes to you, buddy!!

 

[Mon15]

Also, let me add a perspective as somebody who suffers from OCD (it'll have it's own nuances but...

@TheMinsterman Ahh... I'm OCD and ADD!! I don't think mine is all that bad, but I can't stand for things to be out of place or to see a mess! I clean like nobody's business, especially when I am stressed. And let me say, when you throw in the ADD, I'm all over the place starting one task, seeing something that I missed get distracted and then remember I didn't finish the other task, lol! Sometimes I wonder how he keeps up with me! Sometimes I can let things be when they aren't how I like them, but it's not long until I have to get up and fix it.

I understand being in the calm state of mind and meaning what you say, but when in the angry stressed out mindset, it's hurtful to read the messages that are sent. Half the time they are so vague and leave me wondering if we are done or not! Then when we actually talk, I get the "we didn't break up" speech, but he deletes the relationship status, untags photos, and even deletes me as a friend. Who does that and expects the other to not think they are broken up???

 

[TheMinsterman]

@TheMinsterman Ahh... I'm OCD and ADD!! I don't think mine is all that bad, but I can'...

It's so difficult, I honestly have absolutely no idea what we are anymore. I got "I'm not into this right now, but without your there is a gap in my life and I won't abandon you", very vague and nebulous. Does that mean we're broken up? Broken up with intention of revisiting at a later date? Not broken up but just on ice right now? Just plain old not broken up and I'm reading too much into it?

I can't really ask this question, it gets her very stressed out if she's not ready for that kind of discussion. But I find the lack of any sort of certainty leaves me wondering how I should behave around her. Right now? I talk to her, I have a bit of a joke.... but I don't flirt, I don't say I love you any more, I'm not affectionate like I was, because I feel like that would make her uncomfortable.

Then there's my friends etc, the standard "how are you and x?" and I am just like well hell, what do I say!? Are we even a "me and her" any more?

Sadly my OCD is the "pure OCD" form, the obsessive thought patterns and mental compulsions, this is like a gold mine to my OCD!

 

[TheMinsterman]

@TheMinsterman I'm so glad to hear that your S/O (we'll leave it at that, I'm in the s...

It's very hard yes, I took it as so you didn't want space then, but you didn't want to talk? We can't do both! I can do the whole I don't want to interact but just be in the room/building with me if we were in person, but when we're just reliant on texting etc at the moment it's a total minefield.

I'm learning to just take each day as it is, much like it seems you are. It's very hard to know what to do for the best, I don't think even after years you can ever know 100% for sure as communication is obviously vital to a lot of resolutions and one thing this horrible disorder snatches away is that vital link.

 

[Mon15]

It's so difficult, I honestly have absolutely no idea what we are anymore. I got "I'm not into th...

I totally know what you mean with the vague and nebulous messages! Honestly, I would be kind of confused with that as well... It's like she said she wants to break up, but doesn't want you to go anywhere? Maybe she's saying she just needs space and hopes that you won't move on and will be there when she comes back to?

My best friends and parents are so supportive and don't really understand the "why's", but I have sent them a couple of blogs or talked to them so that they can have a little bit of understanding about what is going on. They are just as confused as I am, because the guy they know, is the same one I feel in love with and still love. They know the guy that had heart to hearts with them about how much he loved me and that I was the best thing that has ever come into his life. I don't think he would have ever said anything like that if they were just regular friends, but my group is a different bunch- we've grown up together since kids and have been a tight bunch since, and we are all super close and tell each other everything (males and females).

It's like the last message I got after he left and didn't return (already stressed out and on a mission to confront someone), "I tried. I'm still not happy"... Of course not, you're not in the right mindset. Then it goes on to "I don't want to talk about it anymore. I don't want to fight anymore for it. I don't feel the same and don't want the future I'm headed for. I'm never leaving. I don't like trips. I want to be left alone. Take whatever. I've started over before." Damn, that shit hurts! Just a few days before that, he was the one wanting to plan trips and having me get with the friends to see if they were in. He was the one telling others of future plans (building a house, etc). Said he was selfish and knew he had to move to be with me. He's never had to fight to keep me around, I found the first go around to keep us together. Like I said, with that last message I can't say that he'll come back to me, but I do recall hearing some of those things the first time we experienced the shutout.

 

[TheMinsterman]

I totally know what you mean with the vague and nebulous messages! Honestly, I would be kind of confused...

Yeah I'm not sure, she was asking if I read the articles about how PTSD affects relationships last night and was pretty happy to hear I was learning about PTSD, so on that hand you could say she still thinks of us as together, just on ice. I'm not entirely sure, I know she won't want me gone forever whatever we are "now", but for me, I want to eventually know where we stand, what exactly we want to "do" in the future too. I don't want to watch her be with somebody else, it'd kill me, so that is why I feel I deserve some clarification eventually, because I feel we owe each other enough to let us both decide what we want to do. My choice would be to walk away sadly right now.

You're in a very hard spot, its great those around you have some understanding, but equally it must be very difficult hearing all those things, I know it has been for me. We hear so much good in the positive moments, we probably hear everything they WANT to do, but when they're in survival mode all that can go swing, it's not important right now, surviving is. They are focused solely on that, to keeping themselves going, sod any plans that may interfere with that.

I am really glad to hear you have that support network around you, I have a very good friend who is very supportive and it just makes so much of a difference. You'll pick up patterns in speech, I pick up patterns in behaviour i.e. I'm ok. Then she'll not say much, I'll keep talking and suddenly BOOM. Here come's a blurt of how she's feeling. Other ones like, short, sharp answers = not good mood. You do learn and pick up patterns, I think it does help when you do because you can think right, ok, I know what I am dealing with.

It's all about learning those though.

 

[Mon15]

Yeah I'm not sure, she was asking if I read the articles about how PTSD affects relationships las...

Yes, not knowing what your status is with her is very devastating and I understand that you want those answers! Believe me, I wish I had some myself. It is easy to say you want to walk away, but give it a little time and when she comes back around, just simply asks what it is she wants from you- relationship, friendship, etc.. It's not right to string someone along without any kind of intention of it going anywhere. I think that if you love her enough and it sounds like you do, that moment will come along (sooner rather than later) that you can get that clarification you need so that you can decide what you need to do for you. And honestly, if she does start dating someone else, that should be your answer to walk away, because that isn't fair to do that to you after all you have been through together. They can at least have the decency to spare your feelings and the feelings they had for you and allow healing before moving on.

I'm glad that you too have a friend you can confide in. This site has helped me a lot this go around. If I wouldn't have found it last year, I'd be in the same boat as I was then just sobbing and feeling lost with no real answers at all. When you are left in limbo with vague messages, it leaves the supporter going nuts wondering how they can be such a-holes and leave me hanging like that?!

 

[Mon15]

Yeah I'm not sure, she was asking if I read the articles about how PTSD affects relationships las...

Oh, and I have picked up on the patterns too... When the triggers come, He's usually in a bad mood, seems a little distant and become a mean smart ass. We're both sarcastic, but when it's coming, he's a major ass about everything.

 

[TheMinsterman]

Yes, not knowing what your status is with her is very devastating and I understand that you want those an...

Fingers crossed, it's a very tricky one because you don't want to just drop it on them, but obviously I am very much set on, if we're not going to work on a long term relationship I'm not interested in just being friends with her, because you're right, I do love her, she is the love of my life (in sense of majority of my adult life) and we have such a long history. I can't just be "some guy", of course if she was dating somebody else that would be the nail in the coffin and I'd be gone. I understand a very set answer may be hard to give, but I think there will come a time that she needs to at least be honest about if the chance of us being together is done and dusted for good, as you say, otherwise it's just stringing me along and not being open.

I'm glad you're picking up on those signs, I think it is vital because when verbal communication ceases I think we have to learn body language and if we know their patterns we can learn more easily to take less offence to them. It's very hard to not be hurt but when you know it's part of a pattern I genuinely believe it is much easier to do so.

You're spot on, this place is a God send, even if it all goes wrong and we break up at least now I know some of what happened instead of being left with no answers. I too wish I'd found it much sooner.

 

[Esterio]

hi there Mon15
I have read all of the replies you have so far. I have to agree with most everything that has been said. The Thing is when things go south they go there now and then it is not much iI can do but Isolate for my own safety as well as others and try to figure out what is happening. Never being able to. My wife smothered me with kindness and affection and it drove me further away. I am not the least bit interested in trying to restart relationships or start a new relationship or friendship in my life now. I don't know how I could add something more to my mountain PTSD is all I can deal with and I don't deal with it well most of the time. Yesterday just the slowness in peoples responses took and good day and turn it into a crapy night. That happened in minutes. There is no easy way to deal with PTSD at least I have not found it. Things go south in a heart beat and once they do it is hard to turn them around. I hope that gives you some more insight.
Peace be safe

 

[Mon15]

hi there Mon15
I have read all of the replies you have so far. I have to agree with most everything t...

Thank you, Esterio! Yes, it does give a little insight and something for me to take note when that time comes back around. I will say that I'm going to hold on to the pure happiness we have in this moment and will continue to learn more about it as we go! Hope you can find peace soon, I you can! Hugs