Sometimes Living Through Torture

[Deleted member 38242]

Some times being alive after torture can be a trip. I socialize I have too, but on bad flashback days, or even if just naturally tiered I find I can't physically keep up with the mental, or physical demands that human interaction takes. I get exhausted in weird ways that others don't. The energy it takes to keep engaged when everything you have seems to be pulling you into dissociation, or even if your mind is clear and completely together you physically feel bad emotions like tears somewhere way beneath the surface, or just physical muscle pain for certain areas of your body from muscles tensing and relaxing non-stop as if your body has gone a little haywire for a minute.
Even when life is pleasant within my mind my body is going haywire, and while its not all the time it takes me out of living a normal live about 3-4 days a week. I don't know if anyone can relate.

 

[Astrid_Shadow]

*raises hand* I know exactly how that feels. Trust me. What I find helps me is being able to talk to someone. When things just aren't going well and I find myself just wanting to drop to the ground and scream, I turn to someone I trust. My T. Do you have a T you can talk to? If so you should really talk to your T about this. If not, well you have us. I'm a great listener and have been through a lot so I can relate to people on a different level. If you ever wanna talk or just vent and scream your lungs out, you can always send me a message. I'll be there. I promise.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I don't know if anyone can relate.

I can! Fully!

I was tortured in a cult as a child. It was from 6 yrs old to 18 yrs old.

My body is often exhausted. Like head in lap falling asleep like a drug addict and i know its a mental symptom but no idea on how to fix it.

You describe interactions so well! Even over the phone is hard for me. Easier but still hard. And so at work its super hard to stay awake many times and after work i often crash. On weekends i def crash from the up and down of the week.

It all sucks!

 

[Deleted member 39333]

I understand as well. I was tortured from the ages of 10 to 16. I was always a loner, but the aftermath of this is what made me decide to deliberately cut myself off from people as much as possible. I find any kind of interaction stressful, pointless, unrewarding. I don't even have a phone, I am self employed, and try to arrange my life so that I never have to interact with anyone at all. I have found a lot of peace this way, though everything I read tells me that I am "wrong" to isolate, I disagree. It works for me. I am here and sharing only because I recently did get a therapist to help with 5+ a day flashbacks (I didn't want to do that either but I was desperate) and I promised him that I would come here and post at least once a day. I don't find this comfortable either. Everyone finds their own way to cope. Perhaps you could try to change the level of interactions and/or the depth of them that you feel "obligated" to maintain, or at least try to control when and where they happen. I think that being in control is the key, however that plays out for you personally.

 

[Sophie's Daddy]

I agree with astrid_shadow. Talking through it with someone trustworthy-tough to find that person outside of therapy but that's okay-makes all the difference for me.

*This forum's a great place, too if you don't mind the written versus spoken word... (-:

Being alone makes the flashbacks more frequent and more serious, and feeds my agoraphobia something fierce. I end up talking to myself, and I am my own worst counsel.

My thoughts simmer in directions that might get out of hand, then the dissociation kicks in and back into defense mode I go.

Talking's what brings me back and helps keep me grounded when I need it most.

 

[Deleted member 38242]

This forum if used properly helps so much. I am now just putting the pieces together in a puzzle of life long abuse, love, scapegoating, and bad decisions. I was misdiagnosed which allowed further scapegoating, and abuse. Love, hate, rage, manipulation, kindness with constant insults, and worse being bullied inside, and ouside of the home throughout life made it very difficult to live. Being completely enmeshed with my family because of having little to no friends out side of home as a young kid, and part of my teenage years was tough. At 39 I'm barley realizing this becaue I couldn't before. I had two realities, and carried so much shame over being bad that I couldn't even talk about what was really wrong until this year. I hope this is the worst of it. Getting educated about PTSD is a trip, and the torture affects come and go. Today is better. I pray prozac works for the brain damage psychological abuse causes. This Friday I talk to someone about medication. Thanks for being there. Sometimes you just need someone to acknowledge your reality instead of hurting you because you didn't have it as good as others. Thank you again.

 

[Sophie's Daddy]

Best wishes to you!

 

[Powder]

I'm sorry to hear that others have dealt with this trauma.

 

[Friday]

I've been doing a lot of parsing out what's PTSD vs what's Trauma, lately. <chuckling> In fact my status update read just that, the other day The polished tip of a nasty iceberg. // Just thinking of the difference between PTSD & Trauma.

It just blows my mind how often, and in how many different ways, trauma informs my everyday life. On every level, or nearly. It's something I often don't catch unless I'm talking with others. Either because they don't do things they way I do, and here's why, or because they do do things the way they do, and here's why!

It's one of the things I very much love about this board. So many different experiences, and perspectives. So many different solutions, tips, tricks, work-arounds. Whether we're taking a step back & talking PTSD specific symptoms, or taking a step closer and talking trauma specific side effects.

Yep. A definite trip.

 

[Freedomfighter]

Some times being alive after torture can be a trip. I socialize I have too, but on bad flashback d...

I can totally relate to that, I have often experienced total breakdowns of my physical energy after being assaulted mentally. My brain shuts down and the rest of my body follows, being totally drained of physical energy, it is like my entire system is on a shutdown. Not easy to take and when such periods happen then it is almost as if someone stuck a knife into my body somewhere where my legs collapse and my arms can not move.
I am also experiencing periods of brain symptoms that mimic epilepsy, how scary that is even I myself can not fully comprehend....

 

[Sophie's Daddy]

I can totally relate to that, I have often experienced total breakdowns of...

Regarding the epilepsy symptoms that you mentioned, I developed seizures 40 years ago, at age 10.

It coincided with the time my father really started coming down on me in terms of discipline his way – emotional abuse, and physical abuse without leaving bruises, e.g. hair pulling, and so on.

My baby sister-the apple of his eye/princess-was only three then, and she understandably required, and received the attention.

His abuse didn't just flip on like a switch- it had progressively been working toward outright abuse.

But the seizures did, and they've continued ever since. I believe I reached a tipping point where I could no longer bear the stress of my fathers anger, coupled with my mothers encouraging him.

Doctors and specialists, etc. have never diagnosed it as "epilepsy". Instead they've called it a "seizure disorder" and the seizures are referred to as "intractable".

But I think I know the real source-the stress. And like a shark is drawn to blood in the water, my father jumped all over the notion of my having seizures, especially when I became incontinent.

It provided him with a relentless source of shaming, which I've carried with me since. It's why I think I still carry the seizures, too.

Often, when I hear of someone or meet someone with epilepsy, I can't help but wonder if they've walked a similar path that I have.

So when you mention all of those physical symptoms, sharp pain, fatigue, etc. and also the possibility of neurological symptoms as well, it's not a stretch to consider it.

If/when you consider it serious enough, you might want to talk to a doctor about it. Seizures, which are neurons firing uncontrolled in areas of your brain, are serious business.

Untreated seizures can get worse, can limit your every day functioning and getting progressively injure your brain.

They can also repeat the cycle of physical fatigue that borders on exhaustion until you recover physically, at which time the cycle begins again.

Sounds bleak, I know, but seizures aren't a bright spot in anybody's life.