• 💖 [Donate To Keep MyPTSD Online] 💖 Every contribution, no matter how small, fuels our mission and helps us continue to provide peer-to-peer services. Your generosity keeps us independent and available freely to the world. MyPTSD closes if we can't reach our annual goal.

Childhood is this torture ... do tell

i wonder if what i went through would be considered torture. specifically psychological.

i was driven to attempt suicide 3 times and backed out on all of them because i was told that if i died, i would go to hell and it somehow kept me alive. i was told that every single little thought i had would send me to hell, it's where i got and still have intrusive thoughts about people reading my mind.

i believed that if i was afraid of going to hell, that i was automatically going to hell because i "knew" i was a bad person, but if i was excited to go to heaven i would also go to hell because 'i don't deserve to go to heaven, that's prideful'.

its where i distrust any authority figure, especially older women. tired of repenting for my sins, taught & encouraged that i was a horrible person and i deserved to die, that i should die, and the only way to avoid infinite suffering was to tirelessly worship and never think negatively of or question, always worship and obey god.

all of my sermons were inconsistent and i tried to obey all of them, it got worse when my gender dysphoria exacerbated due to my changing body- i was 9-12 when this happened, and i was told transgender people deserve to go to hell simply for being transgender and should be imprisoned, so i repressed my transgender identity.

i forced myself to have a crush on someone who constantly belittled my work and emotions. was abused emotionally and spiritually so much whenever i "misbehaved" or spoke out. i had one friend there ("there" refers to the cult private school where this all happened) who was the "good kid" was very traumatized and abused by the same person who took pleasure from my pain and helplessness or just cared more about her dying school but still getting money off it.

i don't even feel traumatized even though literally all or most of the symptoms are there. i'm too afraid to ask for anything, working on it, but i know people are going to turn their back on me, feels like they are passive aggressive just like one of my abusers. and i feel they wouldn't mind if i died, even if they saved my life, everyone has a moral obligation to save lives.

i imagine people's faces to be purely disgusted at me sometimes, i believe they disgust me and i reject expressions of love, i say i'm fine when people ask me if i'm okay. i was deprived of love and community, and i continue to reject it a bit still. i think none of my symptoms are even real.
 
Last edited by a moderator:
Torturous, certainly.

Straight Up Torture? It doesn’t sound like it.

Is the word important, to you? Because if it’s how you can conceptualize what you went through, & get a handle on it that lets you deal with it… you could call it Freddy, or a guillotine, or tuna fish; for all it matters to me.

If it’s not the word, itself, but the actual definition? It sounds very different… and complicated in entirely different ways… than torture.
 
I have a thread here that goes into detail on torture, and another one on brainwashing. As far as I'm aware, there is no commonly accepted definition of "psychological torture," so I would say this qualifies, as it's designed to break down your identity. You can check out both of my threads here (torture) and here (brainwashing). I think you might fit in most in the brainwashing section.
 
Back
Top