Relationship My So/exso Has An Abusive Friend

[boodle]

Thanks @boodle, admittedly tonight I broke down and cried, not so much about t...

When we get to a low point, it always seems to happen that several things are falling around us at the same time. I feel for you.

As we spoke before, you have to ensure you are strong in order to be able help anyone else. Its like they say on aeroplanes 'please fit your own oxygen mask before helping anyone else.' Its not selfish, its essential. It will help you to be there for your Mum, too, from a stronger place.

I'm glad you are open to counselling. Its been so important for me. I checked out local counsellors in my town. Usually you will be able to have a meeting with them to see if you connect with them. It is very important to connect with them, and don't be afraid to say thank-you but it may be better if I try a few counsellors. I found my counsellor on the second attempt. The first one I tried, I didn't seem to connect with. The second one is my counsellor now and is perfect for me. There are several styles of counselling. I find a counsellor practicing person-centered counselling the best for me. Its like having the most non-judgemental, wisest friend. I love the process.

 

[TheMinsterman]

When we get to a low point, it always seems to happen that several things are falling around us at the s...

You're spot on with the plane analogy. My friend is also right, my life has become built around her and her issues, I have to build my schedule and my life around myself first. We have a good day of talking? I'm on a high. It gets interrupted or this person interferes? I'm angry, hurt, low. I absolutely have to prioritise myself and working on putting myself first, not just in the hypothetical of her needing help but for myself, it's breaking me.

I guess you forget you're worth it as well. What's worse is all this make sense, I know I have to prioritise me, I know it's not "my problem" so to speak, I know I need to detach myself emotionally from it all and just be there when needed and otherwise say you do you.

Actually doing these things is proving sticky, and my logical rational mindset is giving me a kicking for allow emotions to get in the way!

 

[Mon15]

Thanks @boodle, admittedly tonight I broke down and cried, not so much about t...

I feel it is ok to breakdown at times! I've listened to those videos for Supporters and it says to take 15 minutes for yourself and breakdown. This go around, I've done extremely well to put a smile on my face and try to distract myself with co-workers from what I'm feeling. Luckily, I'm in my old division with work helping out and meeting new people which helps me to cope. Once I get in the car or back to the room, a memory or something hits and I have to let it out.

I totally feel you on everything else going on all at the same time comment... I finally scheduled my surgery (taking care of myself), which I'm scared shitless of having and thinking too, he wanted me to schedule it at a certain time so that he could be there, but now we are in this shutout/pushout and he's not even around for me to tell him I've got this scheduled. :(
I totally miss having my best friend that I tell everything to and would want nothing more than for him to be there for me and he's not. Makes me want to break now- and I can't say that I'm not. It's like for some reason, the more attached we've become and the more love that has grown makes this time a lot harder to deal with.

 

[boodle]

Actually doing these things is proving sticky, and my logical rational mindset is giving me a kicking for allow emotions to get in the way!

@TheMinsterman,
@Mon15 is absolutely right, it is ok to breakdown at times. In fact I believe it is essential. If emotion is not 'felt' it is turned inwards and can become things like depression. Feeling emotion lets it go. Its a hard thing when we are taught to just get on with things and not show feelings as it could be percieved as weak. Its especially difficult for guys I think. Personally I think feeling weakness is the strongest/bravest thing people can do. Feeling those raw emotions lets them go. If they are not felt then they stay as baggage.

I'm on a high. It gets interrupted or this person interferes? I'm angry, hurt, low.

Apologies, but here's me being blunt again. Please accept it is meant kindly (bluntness but fairness works for me no end). This guy who is controlling your SO/ExSO is indirectly controlling you too. The most positive thing in this though, is that you have the choice of whether you allow him to control you. Seems difficult/impossible at the moment but it involves a change in your mindset and the way you think about it. This is where my counsellor has been invaluable and has helped me.

I do hope I haven't overstepped the mark with my last comment. I feel it is such an important point. It is one that has helped me in the past, and is something I am working on regarding my current situation.

 

[TheMinsterman]

@TheMinsterman,
@Mon15 is absolutely right, it is ok to breakdown...

No need to apologise, you've captured my feelings to some extent. What has distressed and upset me is not only do I have to process that, for now anyway (and I suspect for good), my relationship is over, but now even our friendship is dictated by somebody else. She's quite willing to talk to me, but moment he shows up she has to hide her phone, stop speaking etc.

You're right, it is my choice, I think it's just an extreme frustration right now, we've been talking over things then she vanishes for hours because he decides he wants to show up, she rung me last night to see if I was ok (whilst also making a mad dash to just get out of her halls out of anger), but because they were waiting outside her room for her to come back, has to hang up, disappears for ages.

Just feels like he's going to strangle the life out of a connection a decade plus strong.

That makes me sad. I really hate the powerlessness of all of this, I didn't decide to just be friends, I didn't decide to isolate, I didn't decide to socialise with somebody so controlling and parasitic. Yet I've lost a girlfriend, I'll probably lose a friend too at this rate, cos I'm not that interested in a friendship that isn't dictated by either of the two involved.

You're of course right though , he doesn't have to control me. I'm just having to learn to accept more truths I dislike I guess.

As for breaking, it will probably help in the long run. I told a friend and he spoke to me most of the night, I can't keep living this way and I think that demonstrated the need to really commit to change. It got things out and forced me to face my feelings of extreme grief over the loss of what I had with my SO, how hurt I am that she is in deep with an abuser and how I feel that has contributed to that, the fact that this could really be the end of our friendship, the fact my mum was getting bad again making me feel I was going back to the dark years of isolated carer at a young age. All of it.

 

[TheMinsterman]

I feel it is ok to breakdown at times! I've listened to those videos for Supporters and it says to take 1...

Thanks Mon, you're 100% correct. I miss what I had, I miss the best friend I had, I miss the feeling of such a close loving connection. I think last night was the acceptance amidst other stressors that it's over and I've lost all that, for now. Will I ever have it back (with her or somebody else)? Who knows, I guess that is quite scary. That whole it's better to have loved and lost is to me annoying, it hurts much more because now I KNOW what I am losing.

I've promised myself to not hold things in, to just feel them and let them out, so I can grieve and move on.

Because I think the inevitable is that I will have to, this person will sadly destroy the connection I have with my ExSO, which is a shame.

 

[Mon15]

I'm right there with you! I miss everything we had together and the not knowing if you'll get that back is the hardest!!
Last night I had a "girls night" over the phone with one of my best friends and that helped get out of my slump for the moment. I also talked to my parents who are very supportive and uplifting. I've finally scheduled my surgery and at some point before, I'll will write my SO/exSO (?) a nice letter and let him know when it's going to be... I know he wants to be left alone, but during the good phase he said I could've/should've told him about my appointment even when he wasn't responding to me the first shutout, and also told me when I should schedule it so he could be there. That's the other hurtful part, I don't have his support at this scary moment and wish I did.

 

[TheMinsterman]

I'm right there with you! I miss everything we had together and the not knowing if you'll get that back i...

It's good you're indulging in self care Mon, it's very important and something I have neglected myself. I completely understand where you're coming from, this is a very stressful time for you and you need to know who you can rely on right now, even just on a practical level let alone an emotional one.

Focus on yourself, me and boodle will need to as well I think. It's very hard though, incredibly hard to decide to do that.

 

[tobunika]

I've listened to those videos for Supporters and it says to take 15 minutes for yourself and breakdown.

I did this two days ago. Went to my friends house and just let myself cry and talk about him.

 

[boodle]

@TheMinsterman and @Mon15

I'm with you on that. I miss my ex so much, I miss what we had, I miss the closeness and the loving connection we had. I miss that when she was present, we were so in tune. Strangers around us picked up on that too and commented on it. I have to accept though that that was not there at the end. I missed her while we were still 'together', I am hurt by the verbal attacks and the villification, the skewed thinking, the blame.
I do not blame her, she is a lovely person suffering and trying to survive a torturous condition. The crap she has had to endure from young that has done this to her. She is just frightened and trying to survive.

And yes, I broke down writing this too..

 

[Mon15]

@TheMinsterman and @Mon15

I'm with you on that. I miss my ex so m...

Yep, when we would be out and about, people would comment and thought we'd been married for years- no marriage, just talk of it before. Or they would say we were the perfect couple or cutest couple. And I too break down a little expressing this stuff on here, but it helps me having this type of support! What really sucks is when he used to always say, we had the perfect relationship and the last good time together before this last blowup, it was "we are me & you" and nothing can break that regardless of this illness, but then look where we are now...

 

[TheMinsterman]

@TheMinsterman and @Mon15

I'm with you on that. I miss my ex so m...

That is ultimately the saddest part, I don't hate my ex, she's suffering, she has suffered and she's doing her best to survive, sadly right now that doesn't include me in the way I'd like. It's a shame she is engaging in connections that will ultimately add to or make this all worse, but what more can you do than simply say I'm always there, it's their struggle and journey.

It sounds like breaking down is just a natural process in all this, we have to feel how we're feeling, we have to let ourselves grieve and feel those emotions.

I too miss and will always miss what we had, on some level. It is natural, I don't want my memories to just be this past few months, it wasn't what we were like for most of the time we knew each other. It's hard to remember the good times but long term it may be more productive to remember the good times, remember why you loved them, remember who they were, take the lessons you need to, but don't cling to the bad.

Remember the good times, wish them well.