I Dont Know What This Is

[ladee]

Walked into work Friday morning, as soon as I walked thru the door, for lack of a better description..I felt myself "spilt". There was me and me watching me.
I remember thinking.."what is this?".
I didn't feel fear,anxiety, and it wasn't my normal dissaccoiation .
This went on for hours. I did my job, interacted normal.
On two occasions I felt myself have an intense flash of rage while being criticized,but did not act on the feeling or even feel deliberate self regulation.

I have been seeing movement out of the corners of my eyes. This has happened many times on this journey. Again, no fear..just aware.
Only thing that was really any different was my chronic pain level had been at 9-10 for two days.
I am startled easily..more than usual...
Having memory flashes. Not trauma..just memories pushing thru.
And angry..bordering on rage.
Just wondering if anyone had any suggestions as to what might be going on.
I just know this is different.
I don't feel fear, but I do feel dread.
Thanks for any feedback.

 

[Esterio]

Walked into work Friday morning, as soon as I walked thru the door, for lack of a better description..I f...

Hi Ladee. Thanks for the post. I don't think I know what it was. I had a similar experience. When everything fallen apart for me in 2000. I had been camped out for a month or so 80 miles in the bush. I was cooking another supper that I was't going to eat, I felt sick and started to shake and sweat, I climbed into my Van and layed down in my bed and soon after I seemed to slit into two of me. One laying down and the other floating above me looking down at me just watching. Not sure how long it went on for. I wasn't scared at all but I really didn't know what to think. At that point in time I think I was in the worse shape I have been. Extreme pain,brain going crazy,suffering depression, barley eating and I'm not sure about sleep. I think I slept as I had My 2 Dogs to protect me. That only happened once that I remember. I have never been able to figure it out.
I'll try to think more of that and pull out some of the books I have been given to try and address it. I think it is spiritual. I'm just not sure. I tried to figure it out for a few years never got to the right place. I don't read very well or fast so the books have not done me very well but may help you. Here they are; The Life You Were Born to Live. by Dan Millman, Earth Medicine by Kenneth Meadows, Where Eagles Fly by Kenneth Meadows and Shamanism and Personal Mastery by Gini Graham Scott. I think that the closes i got to finding anything was in the last one.
Hope you can get something out of them maybe just a good read. I think I will try to read them again.
Thanks for the spark.
Peace be safe my friend

 

[ladee]

@Esterio ...thank you so much. Will surely try to get my hands on these books.
I hope it IS spiritual and not a pre.-rabbit hole experience.
Thank you. Take care..I know you are having a rough time right now.

 

[Esterio]

@Esterio ...thank you so much. Will surely try to get my hands on these books.
I hope...

I'm in a little fog right now. Getting lost just sitting staring out at the snow. My T called Last night and he is going out of town for 2 to 3 weeks. so now I wonder what I do. That will make 5 weeks that I don't have any sessions. I am afraid I am just going to shut up again.
not sure

 

[trying2movefwd]

I was almost diagnosed with a dissociative disorder...and your description of being split. Happened to me often. My doctor let me know it was indeed dissociation.Can happen under lots of stress.

 

[Deleted member 38242]

I think its a form of out of body experience. I have been meditating for 30 years, and have some wild stories myself. I imagine a line right in front of my spine going all the way up to a core source (known as the Hara line in Buddhism), and pull all my energy into this tube of light. I imagine all parts of me coming off everyone, and everything, and back into my core. It sounds like both you, and Esterio are spiritually gifted. Gifts can sem like a curse sometimes, but they have been well documented over time. Binaural beats, and isocronic beats help me get back into myself as well. your an amazing person, and not crazy. Sending you angels, and hugs. It will get better.

 

[Sideways]

There was me and me watching me.

This is almost the quintessential definition of depersonalisation, isn't it?

Personally, I find that my experience of dissociation varies a lot, depending on my level of distress in particular. I tend to get derealisation quite a lot, and often it's kind of amusing, then occasionally the experience will be different and not amusing at all.

Dissociation is said to be on a spectrum, which makes people think it's a simple linear case of mild through to severe, but personally I think that mild is more like a centre point, with different forms of our experience of consciousness heading off in all different directions from there. I think we have a long way to go in understanding, classifying and describing different types of dissociative experiences.

Just because I most commonly experience dissociation as auto-pilot, derealisation or a full switch, I might still expect to experience altered states of consciousness in different ways. Occasionally I do, and it freaks me out. Whatever the case, bringing my SUDS down, and grounding myself with self-care and healthy lifestyle stuff always seems to be key, because however I experience it, it does seem to indicate some degree of distress.

Having made it sound like a different version of the status quo, I'd keep track of what's happening and bring it up with the doctor. Not trying to suggest you've got a brain tumour but it's good to check these things out. For example I get the seeing things in the corner of my eye when I'm anxious, but it's still reassuring to check it's not something going wrong with my eyesight.

I'd also throw in that an anti-depressant I recently increased in dosage caused me to have a new and very frightening form of derealisation which progressed to full hallucinations. When I checked, turned out they were both known (albeit uncommon) side effects. Didn't see that coming!

Summary: be gentle with yourself, and perhaps be prudent by also ruling out other causes with your MD:)

 

[ladee]

@Ragdoll Circus, I have a Dr's appt this month and will certainly get these things checked out..
The seeing things out of the corner of my eye is stress related. I have experienced this most of my life.
I am becoming very aware of how much stress and anxiety I carry in my body.
Walking is the best excercise for me because of the chronic pain. I have come to realize how I put myself on that hamster wheel. I hurt...I am anxious about whatever (journaling helps me uncover that most of the time).Then if I am unconciously holding the stress, the pain gets worse..and on it goes.
This has been a life long battle. When I was younger and had more options to working off the stress and anxiety..it worked.
I am not someone who can set quietly and relax. The thought of that makes me anxious..lol..
But am going to research depersonalazation.
Thank you for taking time to share. You know I cherish you..so thank you from my heart..a real hug..not a yucky one..ok?

 

[Sideways]

You're not one to back down:)

We're all guilty of brushing things off as "ordinary stress" that we should be able to handle, and we tell ourselves to push on. We all do it. So this is me reminding you, like you would remind me: remember to check in with your body regularly, because it's the way your body feels that tells you how you're traveling, not the impossible standards your mind is trying to set for you.

Hugs back @ladee :hug:

 

[ladee]

Thanks everyone. This is what it was. The fact I felt No fear should have tipped me off I have done this before.
The good news is that it has been so long ago..I didn't remember.
The article I read also described things being in 2D and everything Gray. I DO remember that!. A long time ago..but a very very hard time in my recovery.
I'm crazy...but fun crazy..I know too well the "other" crazy. Thank God and a lot of hard work I haven't been there in years.
Yall know what I feel is so awesome about this..it has been so long ago that I forgot. To me that marks how far I have traveled on this journey. Very proud of myself for asking for help and finding how far I have came.
Thank you all for helping me understand.

Now I can just keep on keepin' on!
Hugs to all of you !!

 

[Enaila]

I'm in a little fog right now. Getting lost just sitting staring out at the snow. My T called Last nigh...

Keep posting on this site, chatting, and reaching out for support from the members. They will help get you through until your next therapy session.

 

[Enaila]

@ladee I have had similar experiences with feeling I was just an observer of my life. Generally it happens after many rough days of poor sleep or intense stress. It feels like it is a way my body takes a break from the stress. I just am....no good, bad, just am. It also happens sometimes when I have a new memory surfacing and am just starting to get glimpses of what the memory is.